levi's 5th birthday slideshow

 

Easter

It has been over a YEAR since I last blogged. I hardly know where to begin, or even why I'm writing now...except to say, I've missed it...I miss typing, actually - most of my 'plugged in' life has converted over to ipad use, but I miss the clicking of the keys. And I just got my computer fixed the other day...so...here I am.

I kind of re-read my last post...and I have to say, I wonder if there will be a part of my heart that will always feel a little 'jipped' that my heart wanted another baby and my body just wouldn't cooperate. BUT - I'm not writing about that. Not now. I have asked Him so many times over this past year to help me accept that these two boys are IT for us. He is helping me still. I'm grateful for that...the process of infertility is brutal - and one that will always likely be close to my heart and emotions when I hear of others' struggles, as well. But - I do feel grateful to have this gift of these two little boys...

I mean...look at them:

 

 



Jonah is almost 8 - grade 2, and having his best year so far at school. He is with quite a few boys from his grade 1 class - and his best little buddy, Montgomery, is with him, too. He loves his teacher and talks about her often - we're so thankful for her - she's made a big impact on him this year. He is really great at reading, so smart at math - and is still such a sensitive and fun little boy - always up for anything -- always looking for the next fun thing, which is a little bit annoying challenging for his Mama, who doesn't always love committing to the 'next thing' or time constraints...He loves good food, which often doesn't include school lunches - though he does manage to get his teacher to warm up his pizza when I send it in his lunch - he says she only does it for him. He loves to be comfy - doesn't really care what he wears as long as its comfortable - doesn't really love dressing up...He loves swimming, loves watching movies together all cuddled up under blankets together on the couch. He loves his Papa and Mammie, and all his aunts and uncles and cousins...he is one of Malachi's favorite people, and he is so sweet and good to play with him and is quite happy how excited Malachi is to see him...Jonah doesn't care how old people are, he has a love for people that doesn't show much partiality -- I hope he keeps that. He loves music - loves listening to it loudly and singing along.  He started piano lessons in January from Montgomery's mom, and is doing quite well - I think he has a bit of a natural ear for music, we just need to be more diligent at getting him to practise and work hard...a lot of things come easy for Jonah - and if they don't...he can tend to move on to something that does...he's smart, and a natural in a lot of areas of life - especially creativity - he's a good artist - has a good imagination, loves to draw, build, play video games...he gets bored fairly easily if he isn't kept busy. He loves listening to Jason and I tell stories of when we were kids, or our Bible school days - loves to be part of our conversations, and loves visiting when we have people over...he doesn't want to miss a thing! He's very social and lovable - still has quite a bit of people-pleaser in him...but also has strong opinions of his own and isn't afraid to share them with us! He is still pretty easy to 'win back over' when he's upset if we call him over for a hug - his love languages are pretty clearly quality time, words of affirmation...and physical touch -- it doesn't take much to make him feel special - we try to be intentional about one-on-one time with him - and when we do, it makes a big difference in how he interacts with all of us, and his level of peace and happiness...he's an awesome kid. He loves when we tell stories about him, or tell people about what we think of him - he occasionally is shy about it, but mostly loves us to recognize things about him...He is easy to love - seems to make friends easily and can carry on a conversation with people of any age. He is a lot like me and we tend to butt heads when we are at odds with each other - I worry that I am too hard on him sometimes, and that I expect too much...he hates to disappoint and I hate to be the cause of any of his disappointments, which I know I am sometimes...he's very good at communicating his feelings, both of happiness and disappointment...I hope we always have a close relationship...I'm so thankful for him...he still calls me Mama and I hope that never stops.

 

Levi is four and FULL of personality - he is not a charmer, necessarily - in that he isn't trying to 'win you over' - he's authentic...if he's being sweet to you...its because he likes you, not because he's trying to get you to like him...he seems to be strong willed - but maybe its just that he's sure of what he wants and what he thinks...and when it goes against what his Mama thinks or feels...we are most definitely both fighting for our wills!! He can go from zero to sixty in 1/100th of a second...if he isn't happy -- we know it. No pretending or hiding with this guy. He's also the most sensitive and sweet of us all - constantly snuggling us and telling us he loves us - very quick to apologize when he's upset us or done something he shouldn't have...he has a bit of a sneaky side sometimes, if he's away from us - but usually it ends up coming out before the day is done...i'm not sure he has Jesus in his heart yet, but he often talks about how he doesn't know why he does things he shouldn't, and that he doesn't want to, and that he needs God to help him. (my heart...oh my soul.) He loves to sing and dance - its like he can't help it - he often begs us to let him get up from the table when we're eating 'cause he just needs to dance. I'm trying to not be so controlling. Ha. He gives me a run for my money where control is concerned...he's not always obliging to do things he doesn't want to do...like sit still, stay in bed, or eat more than three bites of his meal...we haven't totally figured out the best way to discipline him - sticker charts sometimes work...and sometimes don't...time outs...don't usually work...spanking certainly causes him a great deal of grief in the moment - his heart breaks, for sure...but it doesn't necessarily teach him to obey the next time...even if its two minutes later. Getting to his heart...like most people...is where we see he will start to change. I'm grateful for his sensitive heart...when he is desiring to please God...I think his persistent heart will be a huge asset to his personality. He loves his family - he's the happiest when we are all together...(though I think he actually quite likes having me all to himself, too!) - he is quick to share, and doesn't seem to have any jealousy...he's a busy, active, verrrrry energetic little boy - he makes us laugh all the time -- his sense of humor seems more advanced than I would think of for a four year old - he genuinely makes us laugh so hard every day. He loves playing with Jonah and seems to have very similar interests - lego, drawing, video games, music -- he's always asking us to turn it up loud! He loves to be read to, loves playing games and playing outside...He's very smart - can count to 20 or more, dresses himself every day (he's quite opinionated, so its best to just let him pick out his own clothes!), knows all the things he should know to start kindergarten this Fall...but we are going to keep him home another year...His strongest love language would definitely be physical affection - and as I think about it...maybe gifts...he is so grateful when gets gifts - very appreciative and eager to share...as soon as he gets in trouble, he needs to be snuggled - he often needs to just be snuggled during mealtimes - he has a hard time finishing most meals...and if he can just get that snuggle in half-way through, it seems to help. Levi is so cute - gets attention almost everywhere he goes...but he doesn't milk it or strive for it - he just seems genuine - which can be frustrating when I WANT him to care what people think...like when he wants to freak out in the grocery store or at a family meal or at a restaurant...but...I also envy that quality a bit...being a people-pleaser, myself...I have always envied the people who just do or say what they want...its something that gets easier for me with my age and level of impatience and intolerance. (ha!)...Levi is such an amazing kid - so fun and adorable and hilarious - I love being his "Mom" as he seems to call me...one of our friends last week referred to Levi as being 'cool'...and he is that, indeed.

 

I am increasingly aware of my need of Jesus on a daily basis...as I am about to enter my last year in my thirties...and very keenly aware that life doesn't always pan out as you expect...I realize how intentional I need to be about seeing how blessed I am - counting the gifts...paying attention...I'm grateful that aside from 8 hours a week where I work at the APM Centre, I get to be home, being a wife and mother, and whatever else I decide I want to be: cook, friend, reader, cleaner, daughter, sister, aunt, shopper...but I get distracted often, I get concerned about whether or not I am doing 'all' I 'should be' doing...I want my one life to please Jesus...as I get old and tired, I get selfish sometimes...resentful even of what I have to do for others, or what I think people expect...when I clean, I feel like I should be sitting still - when I read, I feel like I should be playing with Levi  - when I visit a friend, I feel like I should be cooking or paying attention to my kids - when I go out, I feel like I should be home - when I'm home, I feel like I should be doing something, in my community, with my family, friends, connecting with someone...but I know I need to be doing whatever grand or seemingly small thing, every day...that He puts on my heart...and that includes especially, time spent with Him - I know He's always here, always with me...but I get distracted sometimes and don't SEE HIM...don't read His Word that speaks such life and peace into my heart...I have had a word on my heart since January 1st...well, two words, I guess: pay attention. Last year my word was intentional...they're similar...and words that are a challenge for me with a personality that likes to please...I get pulled in lots of directions, even if just in my heart...and I want to pay attention...really pay attention to...Him. to Jesus. The One we think of on Easter Sunday as having RISEN. He is RISEN, INDEED. I love the songs of Easter that remind us of the cross, and what He has done - who He is today, being alive and resurrected...He's here. With me. With you...what a gift.

 

secondary infertility...third baby infertility...

...so I didn't really know there was a term for it...I don't know why...'secondary infertility'...and I guess 'third baby infertility'...just plain ol' 'infertility'...however you call it...its all the same...yet very different, at the same time. I've never really read a lot of blogs, to be honest...I have a bit of a gift of discernment and reading between the lines that can also easily become a tendency toward judgementalism, envy, woe-is-me, I am no good at mothering, being a wife, crafting, home-making, writing...anything...if I read too much about other people's lives...I wind up being discontent with my own sometimes, for how life can often be portrayed, when you only see a small percentage...the part people write about or share publicly for all the world to see.




But lately I have been reading a few infertility blogs. I don't know why I never did before. It has made me feel not quite so alone. I have had several friends over the years who have struggled with infertility, or have taken a little longer than they would have liked to get pregnant. All but three of these friends have had at least one baby. And I haven't ever really known quite how to articulate how I feel, now...trying for a third, so far unsuccessfully. Reading this blog yesterday helped a little. And I read a few others, too, that verified the feelings I have.


I do feel incredibly blessed to have Jonah and Levi...I knew since high school that it would likely be difficult for me to get pregnant. All I can ever remember wanting to be, was a Mama. I cannot understand why it never even occurred to me to get a good education so I could get a good job. Its just not even in my DNA, I don't think, to be a career woman. I've had many jobs -- a lot of which I've enjoyed, actually -- I went to Bible school, did alright, and when I graduated and didn't get married and didn't have any skills...I went to CompuCollege, and did awesome, worked for the government; I've done customer service, cleaned hotel rooms, worked at a bookstore (one of my favorite jobs!), worked at a gas station, cleaned old people's homes, worked with mentally and physically challenged people, got involved in a few different churches leading worship, teaching kids, being a youth leader, taught kids clubs, taught English to Russian students, saw the mountains of Alaska, worked with inner-city kids and families in New York City...I've done a lot of stuff...soo much of it good stuff. But always...in my heart...I was waiting until I would get to be a Mama.


When I first got married...we didn't take any precautions to NOT get pregnant, as I knew it would be difficult...I wasn't really in a hurry to have kids right away, though...I was loving being a new wife, and wanting to soak that up for a little while before adding a baby to our mix. But sometime in the first two years of our marriage, I began seeing a doctor to start the process of what it might take for me to get pregnant, as clearly it wasn't happening. Then we moved to PEI and the process had to start all over again. So we have almost been married 12 years...which means I have been involved in fertility assistance, meds, etc...for 10 years. Wow. A long time.




I have two boys. So the thought certainly occurs to me that I shouldn't be so 'greedy' to think I deserve more. I have two more than I actually ever thought I would have. And the urgency is different with a third...trying for one, I was afraid it would never happen...trying for the second...I was afraid I'd never have a sibling for Jonah...so trying for a third...is in a class all its own. I'm almost 38 years old. and I FEEL it. I sometimes wonder if my body can even handle another pregnancy. If my mental health can, for that matter. If our bank account can, our house...our car...


But yet...the desire is there. I question it sometimes, because the longer its taking for it to happen...the harder it is to imagine it will. When the one and only fertility doctor on PEI left last summer...She was kind enough to give me several refills on meds - and my own family doctor has been kind enough to refill THOSE refills when they ran out and still no baby...so I'm here. Still waiting. Wondering if our family is complete, or if there is going to be another  member. Its hard not knowing. Its a loss, but a strange loss to know how to grieve: for someone that doesn't even exist. Its hard trying to 'move on' when it has to be a conscious decision to STOP taking medicine. Of course, miracles happen - and I really do attribute the fact that I have two kids to being a miracle, and not a result of modern day medicine...but God has allowed this medicine to be effective two times before...I can't understand now why its not...and I have no doctor to counsel me or change things, or look into it for me. Its frustrating.


And I beg God every single day to just make it clear...some might think the fact that its not happening is clear. I disagree. because sometimes good things come to those who wait. sometimes the miracle is in the trusting and the waiting for His perfect timing. But also sometimes...He knows its never going to happen, and just hasn't made that part clear...


So we wait. We trust that He knows best...and I beg Him to show us clearly and that His grace and peace will be always ever-sufficient. We know He is in control, even when it seems that this is just one more straw on the camel's back that is just making life seem a little too heavy right now.


I don't write this to make you feel sorry for me, or to offer me hope that you can't really promise me...or to try to convince me that two is enough or anything. Just to let you into my mind, and the mind of others who may silently be struggling...and I write to get it out of my head...swirling whirling thoughts are just a little too much to keep inside this brain sometimes.

my boys

I want to write so I won't forget...


Life has been a little sad around here lately, just with things happening in our family, and in the lives of some friends I love, and just...life...there is a lot of sadness sometimes. its not always something I can hide from my kids...even when I think they aren't noticing...


the other day when I was talking to Erin about some things that were making us sad...Levi seemed to not be noticing, as he was playing with the little nutcrackers she had given him that morning. After she left, and we had eaten lunch I was cleaning up, and he says out of the blue "I sorry about you, Mama...."


I ask what he means...and he says "I sorry you sad. I want to hold you."


so sweet. I have always felt like my boys were very sensitive and aware of the world around them - they seem to have always had sensitivity towards others, and compassion...I'm so grateful, and it has been my prayer almost every day of each of their lives, that they would love God, love others, and bring joy to people around them. They bring me much joy. and frustration too, of course...but I am so thankful for these two little sensitive boys that call me Mama. They are so forgiving, so adoring and full of grace for their weary, short-fused mama.

Counting the gifts

I've been keeping a journal of gifts for a long time -- I'm not a faithful journaler anymore, really -- depends on the season -- I've been writing more lately, because I am trying so hard to be intentional about being thankful.  Its not always easy...but as our friend Ann says "there is always always always something to be thankful for"...and its so true...there's always a lot to gripe and complain about too -- and that somehow comes easier, but...doesn't reap the same benefits, for sure.


So...

• for waking up before the boys this morning and being able to make coffee and a little lunch for Jay before he headed for work. I usually just grunt and we kiss quickly when he wakes up at 5:40am, bless his heart...so it was nice to see his face this morning before he left...
• for snow covering the ground - and Jonah being excited when he saw it on the deck (he missed it out the window at the bottom of the stairs) - and how he said he was wishing on his way down the stairs that there would be snow! so cute!
• for an email full of links to my pastor's favorite Christmas music - I don't know why, but this made me so happy! He was chatting with me lastnight at our worship practise about his favorite Christmas music -- and that he took the time to write so many down with links, just made me smile this morning. He's only been in our lives a few months, but we are so happy he's our pastor...he's quiet and unassuming, humble, authentic and a thinker...I am appreciating him more and more.
• shopping with my sister and my boys -- and picking out some little treasures at the dollar store to send to our friend Ryan in NB...and knowing that fella will be so happy to receive our funny little gifts.
• having a sister who invests so much in my boys - I know they drive her (almost!) as crazy as they do me sometimes...but that shows that they are close and have spent a great deal of time together...I can't wait to love her little babe, who could be arriving any week now!! I cannot wait.
• my dear Momma and Dad, picking up Jonah after a busy few hours in town...I know Mom is tired, but the fact that she wants to spend time with Jonah alone, on his day off school...means so much to me - and he was so happy to be able to go without anyone else. Quality time is that boy's love language.
• Being invited out to friends' for supper -- who have boys who my boys adore -- and not having to make supper!! makes my time right now even more precious, that I don't have to be spending it cooking!
• a kind and generous gift that couldn't have come at a better time.
• seeing my hubby for a few minutes at McDonald's today -- he still brings a smile to my face!
• the smell of those peanut butter brownies that just came out of the oven.
• my driveway was fixed yesterday -- and didn't cost me a dime. I am beyond grateful.
• a co-worker who has been so pro-active in making sure that driveway was fixed...
• finally getting that broken necklace untangled...and having the patience to fix it myself. yup - I'm quite proud of myself. and happy to have a necklace again. I'm not one of those people who has a necklace to match every outfit. I have one. I bought it for myself a couple months ago -- so when it broke a couple weeks ago...I was...not surprised!!!...but also not happy. It stayed in the bottom of my purse until today...so it was a tangled mess...but I was determined to not have to wait for Jason -- who is much more patient and fine-motor-skills-y than I am. but: I did it. he will be so impressed!

And that's it for today, in a nutshell.


Honestly - Levi was a handful this morning when we were shopping...he is a handful most days...and I haven't quite figured out how to 'control' him...he exasperates me, pushes my buttons - screams and cries when he's not getting his way -- in public, alone, doesn't matter -- he has absolutely no care in the world for who sees him acting like a crazy kid. But...then he can be so 'soft'...so cuddly and sweet and...he melts me, quite honestly -- he's the cutest little thing - he makes us laugh so much...he's so smart and so full of life...so truly LEVI...just...what ya see is what you get with him...and I love that about him...I envy it a little, to be honest...and I am grateful for this little one who not only infuriates me at times...but slays me with his adorableness...I don't know if God will give me another baby...I still pray that He will...but if He doesn't...He is still good. He has give me the best two boys in the world. I really am so happy to be their Mama. 

"Though You Slay Me" (featuring John Piper)

I first heard this song a couple years ago -- and what a challenge...I want to be able to sing this song sincerely -- "...Though You slay me, yet I will praise You...though You take from me,  I will bless Your name...though You ruin me, still I will worship, sing a song to the One who's all I need..."




I read this morning II Corinthians 4, and my heart was so heavy for so many in my life right now who are going through such deep sorrow and dealing with life and death...challenges in marriage, challenges with children...health issues, loneliness, anxiety, depression, despair, abandonment, rejection...we all are, though, aren't we? These verses, this song...such a challenge to me, this life -- this temporary life...is working for us an eternal weight of glory...

 

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. (verses 8-10)

Isn't that interesting? So that Jesus can be seen in us...that's why we suffer?? I don't understand it, really....but I try to think of this, try to trust Him, that as His children, He has a purpose for any, and every thing that happens to us...even if we don't see it, even if we NEVER see it here on earth...that He is working for us and He is receiving glory...

on being thankful

I can actually find about a million things, I think, to be thankful for...perhaps I should start with that...not even trying too hard, I bet I can just easily type off a bunch right now:

1. My hubby, picturing him out there somewhere on this Island, driving those people he loves, likely with a smile on his face, music blasting, enjoying this beautiful, sunshiney day -- anticipating him coming home and telling me what adventures he got up to today with some of his disabled clients -- apple picking, taking a 'leaf tour' - or just regular doctors appointments and dialysis, stretcher runs, and school kids. I'm so happy he has a job where he doesn't have to sit in an office - I know that would eat at his soul a little bit each day. I know he is making a difference in people's lives, every day. He's a hard guy not to love.
2. This amazing weather lately. There is a breeze today, which is nicely drying those towels out on my clothesline...and the Fall sunshine -- oh my soul, its so lovely. I love Fall -- I mourn the loss of summer a bit every year, because we love the beach...but I do love Fall -- wearing jeans and sweatshirts.
3. I love that Jonah is up at his Papa and Mammie's this afternoon, enjoying his cousins. No school today - he has a five-day weekend, and he couldn't be happier!! I love seeing all those cousins playing together.  I love my boys having so much family around all the time - they adore their "flamilies" as Levi would say.
4. Spaghetti sauce all ready and simmering in the slow cooker. I love that I won't be rushing to get everything on the table when we all arrive home, hungry, after picking Jason up from work.
5. My pup is clean!!! we have a dog groomer just the next driveway over, and though she doesn't always do exactly what I ask her to do...she is cheap, and convenient...and saving me the hassle and gross-ness of cleaning Sophie up myself. I can let her on my couch without puking now. ha. she wasn't actually that bad. But it is nice knowing she's clean.
6. The lawn-mower sound outside my window. even if its not my lawn that's being cut! ha! something I like about hearing that sound, I don't know why.
7. The six little squares I just ate of the Cadbury Fruit & Nut bar. yum.
8. This book my Mom got me at our library book sale, The Explicit Gospel, by Matt Chandler. I haven't read much yet, but I have loved what I've read so far, and am excited to get into it a little deeper.
9. Sitting around the table lastnight with my little sister and my sister-in-law, talking about babies...I love having those two girls in my life...anticipating my little sister's baby, who is arriving sometime in the next two months...I can't wait!!! I really can't.
10. I deleted a few programs of this computer about an hour ago...and it is not humming at 500 decibels...that makes me happy. am I a techy, somehow???
11. See -- already -- I came on to write on this blog, intending on giving into my sometimes melancholy...but chose to think about good things...and it actually has changed my mood. awesome.
12. I hear that darling little boy upstairs, having a little cough...and it reminds me, seriously...how blessed I am to have him. In our conversations lastnight about babies and siblings and parenting, etc....I was saying again how grateful I am that I had ONE child...let alone two...I am so, so, so, so happy my boys have each other. I would have imagined I'd have four or five children - my whole life, I imagined that...but really...two?! what a blessing. I'm still hoping for and begging God for that third one...we shall see what He has in mind, though, I guess. just waiting on Him.

And that's all for now. I have some left-over pumpkin in the fridge just aching to be used for something delicious, and I'm going to run out of time here if I don't get off this quiet little laptop.


I love Thanksgiving weekend. and I love that we get to celebrate TWO Thanksgivings in our family. October and November. I can't wait to eat that delicious meal on Monday with my family.

always wrestling

I wish this post title was the Segway into a cute little story about my cute little boys doing cute little boy wrestling moves. But -- its about me. and my mind. that is always. always. wrestling.


I am always in conflict - wrestling - in my mind and heart - between how I actually, genuinely feel and act or react...and the way I know I should feel or act or react. I tend to do/feel/act how I should, and 'pep-talk' myself often, or reprimand myself for feeling 'less than' I ought. Its exhausting. 


Truth is...I'm discouraged. I try to be so hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of having a third child...I know I am beyond blessed that I even have two...but for as long as I can remember...ALL I have wanted...is to be a Mom. I always looked up to my own Mom, who made the choice to stay home with us...and I knew I wanted to do the same. For as long as I can remember...this is what I've wanted. I knew at some point in my adulthood, before I got married, that it would likely be difficult for me to get pregnant, having very infrequent periods. But it was a blessing, in some ways -- no periods? Sorta great... But then when I got married and started wanting to have babies...the never having periods thing...wasn't so awesome anymore.  Before we were even married two years, I started seeing a doctor in New York about my fertility issues. And when we moved to PEI just shortly after our 2nd anniversary, I waited to see Dr. Brodie, the one fertility doctor on PEI.  We were married 5 years when we had Jonah.  In hindsight, I love that we had that much time together, living 'care-free' and enjoying each other...so much life happened, just the two of us. And I love that. But having somewhere in your heart, your deepest desires - to become a Mom - not being met...for so many years...and so many months of disappointment...that is not an easy thing to go through. Something hard to explain, really...a deep sorrow and grief even I can't really find words for. So - when I finally got pregnant and had Jonah - the joy - and relief...was unfathomable. A healthy, happy, sweet and perfect baby boy. And I imagined that getting pregnant a second time would be easier....like perhaps my body would 'right itself.' So...the discouragement that came with almost two years of trying for a second baby...surprised me again...I am naively hopefully oftentimes...like, I know its a 'good thing' to desire to have a baby...and I love God, and live my life (mostly) for Him...like I expect that I should then get my hearts desire. How many times do we say that verse "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart"....like that prosperity gospel idea, sort of. Or we reprimand ourselves for not having enough faith, or not trusting God enough. Oh my soul -- if I had the energy to divulge every thought I've had in my struggles with infertility....you'd be alarmed. one moment positive and hopeful, the next at the depths of despair...


So, here we are. "Hoping" for a third child. The almost constant mental and emotional effort, not to mention the financial and the physical...a daily, conscious effort - emotional highs and lows, of charting temperatures, taking vitamins, getting bloodwork, waiting for results, taking pills on these days -- taking more pills at these times on these days...and even more pills...waiting....waiting again....more bloodwork....waiting to see if I ovulated, waiting to see if i'll get my period, being terrified at every twinge in my abdomen, if it means I'll get my period...every time I pee, wondering if I'll see blood...praying - begging God, that the medicine will work, and begging Him that I will ovulate...and then begging Him that I won't get another period...seeing my nurse - charting any and every little change in my body...and squeezing in one last doctor visit in there...oh -- did I mention...the ONE Fertility doctor on PEI....just left. I had my last appointment with her last week. She won't be replaced. As if the process wasn't complicated enough. Now I don't even have a doctor. Oh yeah....and sex. The actual thing necessary to even get pregnant. Though it doesn't feel like that sometimes...its so conscious, everything is so planned, so calculated...


Its discouraging.  And when I don't get pregnant...I have moments where I forget to feel what I should feel....and I let myself feel how I actually feel. And its almost unbearable. The sorrow and shame, even...that my body does not do...what it is supposed to do. some people have sex...on a fluke, even...maybe unprotected one time....and they get a baby.


And I really, truly -- don't resent the people in my life who get pregnant effortlessly...its not that. Its the frustration and shame that I can't. The knowledge that I cannot have babies without medical help. And even then....


I'm 37.  The idea that I will have a large family...is not so realistic anymore. And I berate myself for feeling discouraged about that...when I know people who don't even have ANY children of their own...and I have the two CUTEST, best boys. in the world. I do.


But...the heart wants what the heart wants. right????


ha. And me???  I want another baby. My little sister is pregnant - I have hoped for the last several years - once I realized she had finally fallen in love!! - that we would have babies at the same time...- and one of my best friends is pregnant (and to date, both of our pregnancies have been at the same time, months apart.) -- I feel like I was surprised when on the 40th freaking day of my cycle...that big fat ugly - sign showed up on the friggin pregnancy test. 40 days. come on.


I write, because it helps a little....to record my discouragement, somehow helps. because most of the time I MAKE myself be positive and hopeful and trying to trust God...and then there's times I question whether or not I can even handle another kid....I have so many days of frustration with the two I have...I think God must not think I can handle another one. And if that's true...I just am begging God to let me know, so I don't have to keep trying, so I don't have to keep doing this 'hoping' thing that is so unbelievably consuming and emotionally draining....pumping hormones into my body that alter my moods but don't alter my womb.


anyways. I will plod on. because I don't feel 'done'. I dread the moment when I know I am....I like to believe I'm still 26 and have many years ahead of me that I can hope for a house full of kids. I wish it was up to me. But...none of life really is, is it??? we make our plans...we do our best to see those plans fulfilled. But in the end...are we really in control????


no. we aren't. I look at people sometimes and wonder why the things they set their minds to...actually happen. I look at people with ambition, who meet goal after goal...get the jobs they want, the houses they want, the kids they want...or don't....who knows how people really actually feel??? 'cause we're always spinning people, really, aren't we??? its so ridiculous. And I'm not really a super pessimistic person, to be honest...but sometimes...ya just feel what ya feel. and so you write it out...not really for anyone else's benefit so much as for your own...and you question a little bit, whether or not you should even hit the 'publish' button...but then you think 'why not? everyone else does.'


and hopefully moments from now...the 'therapy' of writing will do its thing...and I will feel how I 'should' once again.

Nutshell happenings here these days

I feel like I always have thoughts swirling around my head - and while I need to process sometimes...journaling is helpful - and I have been doing that...but I've been talking - to real people. Also good. But - then...I like looking back on this blog and seeing what's been going on in my mind too. So -- I'll just snapshot my life, so I can look back on something a little less detailed than my journal and real conversations, but...still something to take note of on here just the same.

• Levi is up these days around 6:30 - which seems far too early in my opinion. But - he's still a great napper. I suspect he will sleep in later once I give up on the nap, but -- I'm not willing to do that yet. Jonah sleeps til 7:15 if I can get that loud little brother of his out of the room in time!
• We have been watching Suits lately - and are loving it. I have always loved lawyer shows -- my first lawyer love was Matlock...and I was certain I would be a lawyer or private investigator when I grew up. The thought of that makes me laugh now. Although I'm super good at reading people and remembering faces - I could probably work for Cal Lightman on Lie to Me (check that show out if you've never watched it. It used to be my favorite a few years ago.)
• I got my oil tank replaced today. It has a 'lifetime guarantee'. I likely won't live in this house long enough to make all the cash it cost me worth it for ME though. Next home-owners: you're welcome.
• I got my hair cut today because Erin was willing to walk around with Levi checking out the stores and listening to him repeat "hair cut?" about a million times. I believe he did that, too, 'cause that kid LOVES to repeat. He is a really good talker. Incredibly verbal. Which has its advantages and disadvantages. Never a moment of quiet around here. Except for right now while Jonah is at school, Levi is sleeping, and Sophie is happy laying beside me.
• We enrolled Jonah into baseball (t-ball) this summer instead of soccer. I hope he likes it -- there's only 33 kids at his age level - 3 teams of 11, instead of hundreds of kids all playing on our local soccer turf at once...one little guy from his class is on his team. So - I'm excited to see him play and to be part of this smaller community of parents and kids.  I'm hoping my work schedule doesn't interfere with it too much. He plays Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings...and my shifts are different in the summer, and I will likely be working a lot of Saturdays. Blech.
• Its freezing cold here even though its almost June. I got a sunburn 2 weekends ago, but since then it has been super cold. And we haven't had oil in our tank as we knew we were getting it replaced. Not cool, PEI. Warm up already.
• I'm really trying lately to be more disciplined in reading. The Bible, a novel, a parenting book, and still Tim Keller's "Counterfeit Gods" -- which every Christian should read. I'm super slow and easily distracted, but I do love what reading does for my soul.
• Still loving my Bible Study on Monday nights with the girls from our new church...I love getting to know people and digging into God's Word together...I have been so encouraged by these girls the past several months and love being part of this group as we are studying gifts...so interesting and vital to the church body.
• Jonah has lost three teeth in the past few weeks. He's so adorable, and his little voice is so cute. He's getting so big - and his love of the Wii is driving me crazy a little bit, to be honest...but we try really hard to limit his time...I resist this 'day and age' sometimes and the technology -- but I find myself falling into the pull, myself. Its a balancing act.
• Been feeling encouraged these days with the girls I am able to connect with - I try really hard to get together with girls during the week - the availability of people is hard, with a lot of people holding jobs during the day, but -- I love getting together with people and having quality conversation...it brings me great, great joy. I try to not feel too lonely when I don't get to 'connect' though...I also love being home and doing things around the house...and try to rebuke myself when I start to fall into loneliness...its hard sometimes spending the majority of my time, just me and Levi...but I refuse to be super duper busy all the time too, and neglect this boy and our home and just my own time of being quiet and resting, or working in my home, whatever it is...I don't want to always feel the need to be seeking fulfillment from relationships...I crave time alone, as well...

Anyways. this is for my benefit, don't feel like if you're dropping by this blog, that you think I think I'm an amazing writer or anything...I literally write, and post, and sometimes go back and re-read. I don't edit, and I don't sit here conjuring up ideas that might make me appealing to you. Not my goal.

Healing and Spring

I am not in a real 'write-y' mood, but just turned on my laptop to sync my music to my ipad, and...well -- its on, so...why not write a quick little post?


I will say the 'year of depression', as Erin and I refer to...well -- more than just 'one' year of depression...is lifting.  I know it will likely return, as it seems to every other year or so! ha! its my thorn in the flesh...when I'm up, I'm up...when I'm not...I'm consumed with the crazy place of my mind...its awful. but -- I am finding my joy again these days...I have found myself in such deep anxiety over the past year and a half (at least!!) with church, relationships, parenting, etc...and I am delighted that God is giving me hope...He is restoring my soul...He is teaching me, and rebuking me and changing me...and offering me mercy when I stumble back into unhealthy thoughts and insecurities...He is using His Word, His people...His Spirit, music, sermons, books...Spring! and sunshine, and sweet snuggles from my babies, and tender loving and patience from my husband...and new relationships, and a heart that sometimes, not often enough...takes my focus off myself and looks at others, long enough to see that I have GOT to get my eyes off myself if I am ever going to have joy...because self-centredness is not going to make me a more loving or godly or patient or lovable, for that matter...person.  As I open myself up again to people, and do what brings me the greatest joy: connect with people...get to really know them...I am reminded of at least a part of who I am, that God has made me...and as I seek to encourage and know others, and not just see how I've been forgotten or rejected, or what I've lost...I see how He is restoring me...healing me...little by little. 


Was that just one big, long run-on sentence??? wow...


anyways. I don't generally go back and edit before I hit send...I'm not a 'writer'...I don't have a large 'audience'...I'm just writing...as fast as I can before my battery dies...so...I tend to write as I think...and am likely not grammatically correct. oops.


This puppy is at my feet, trying her hardest to get me to throw her toy to her...oh my soul.  Even when the kids are in bed, I am at the mercy of a little one. geesh.


So -- we are enjoying our new church.  I have been going to a ladies Bible Study for a couple months now, which is really nice - a pretty small group, and we are studying 'gifts'...so its interesting, and good for letting us get to know each other a little deeper, too...and they have made me feel so welcome, and just a real 'part' of the group. Its so nice to be with girls who talk about reading the Bible, and express love for the Lord, their husbands and kids and their church...not that our old church didn't have that...but a lot of things have been so messed up in the last couple years, especially...there wasn't a lot of encouraging going on...so, I am just feeling so encouraged and blessed and enjoying this group. And we have been talking to Jonah as openly as we could over the past number of months, regarding church...trying to keep up with his feelings and opinions.  He has been sad about losing our church...has had a lot of questions over the months about where everyone is....and we have been honest as we can be with a 5 year old...and I asked him the other day, again, if he still missed our old church...and he said he did a little, but he was happy at our new church and glad we were there.  (It helps that we had a family over for supper the night before and when we went to church on Easter Sunday, he was delighted to have '3 friends there now!' instead of just one!...) so. I am grateful for that too. 


Anyways...lots still swirling around this mind of mine (that won't change, happy or not!!) ha! but...my battery is dying, and the cord is hard to reach, and I will be mad if this all gets deleted. so...bye for now.

Winter

We talk about the weather here in Prince Edward Island. A lot. I think we've had record snowfall amounts this winter -- and the longest consecutive days off school I can remember in my lifetime: Jonah finally went back to school on a one-hour delay today after 5 days in a row (plus the weekend!) off for snow days. Insane!!!


I admit there were some stir-crazy, get-me-out-of-this-house-and-away-from-these-kids!! kind of days...but...for the most part, I enjoyed us all being cozied up and home together.  Jason even had three snow days in the past week! His boss is retiring in June and finally having a little bit of sensibility to cancel and not have these poor people driving all over creation and pushing wheelchairs in the blizzards and freezing rain. So...its been a long while since life has felt 'normal' around here -- March Break was two weeks ago, so there have been a lot of non-routine type days lately. I'm not really a 'routine' type of girl anyways, so it hasn't bothered me.  This morning I read one of my friend's posts on facebook saying she kind of missed her kids.  Funny that that stood out to me!! But...it seems most people are getting sick of all the time they're spending with their kids...so, to hear of someone who wasn't...it stood out to me.  Now...I know there are days that spending time with your kids is just a little...crazy.  I don't have a lot of stay-at-home mom friends these days...and I can't speak from experience what its like to be a 'working' Mom...but...I do know what its like to be a mom who stays home.  I've been doing it almost 6 years.  And I don't savour every moment and count it all joy each and every moment of the day, that's for sure...but...I am soo incredibly grateful that I can do this.  I have a lot of people who comment that it 'must be nice' to be able to stay home...like we're somehow rolling in the dough, and that's the reason we must be able to 'afford' for me to do so.  Ummm...my husband works for a non-profit organization that barely pays its employees minimum wage...so...its certainly not because we are wealthy.  Its a choice...one we have both made, and though our bank account and credit card debt might indicate otherwise...its one we still believe, the 'cost' is worth.  Because there is a cost...in the decision to work, or stay home...or what job to do, where to live, what car to drive, what house to buy, how to educate your children...there's always a cost...and each family is different, and makes their choices...and though I wish we had more money...this is still our choice...we could easily double our income if I went back to work full-time, but...and there are days I wish I could get out of the house and have more adult connections and feelings of productivity than I do...I still would rather be the one raising my children, than paying someone else to.  I still have a bit of a struggle even sending Jonah to kindergarten, where we spends the best part of his day with someone else...where he is one of 17 kids crammed into a room full of noise and activity and an adult who is managing them all, somehow...but not emotionally connected to each of them like their parents are.  So, I still love the days I get to spend with him, even if he occasionally drives me crazy and we are cooped up inside and rummaging the cupboards and fridge to find something to eat and he is spending a little more time than the usual 20 minutes playing games on my ipad...and I am not nearly as productive as I wish I was, and I feel guilty about the lack of time they've spent outdoors playing and the lack of time I've spent reading, or crafting, or organizing, or being an awesome little home-maker...its just our life. And we are happy (most of the time!), and I am grateful...so, so grateful, when I actually sit down and think...about all that God is doing in my heart these days...which is still a work in progress, but all the healing He is doing regarding church and helping me move forward...I sit and contemplate what I have to be thankful for...and I remember...that is half the battle: actually looking for what I have to be thankful for...'cause there is always something...always multiple things, really...and I realize again, how truly blessed I am...sometimes I just don't sit down long enough to think about it...my love of TV gets in the way of that sometimes!! ha! But I have so much to be thankful for. And I love that the majority of my days are spent with the people I love the most on the entire planet. So lucky.

a jumbled mess...

...that is my mind these days. Its January. I expect it, to be honest. But -- its not just January. It has been a hard several months for me. a hard year, to be honest. I feel like I have experienced a lot of 'loss' in the past year. A lot that I've had to just accept and try to reconcile in my own mind, trying to figure out how to 'move on' in this complicated place that is my mind. I am a 'muller'...I don't consider myself to be a person who holds grudges, really -- I like to think I am a fairly level-headed person...I take responsibility for my short-comings and don't think I pass blame quickly...but...I mull things over in my mind...almost constantly. I am hard on myself...I don't handle change or loss well...I don't 'let go' of things -- or people, I should say -- easily...broken relationships...are hard for me. I think I am a loyal person - I hold on, I put a lot into my relationships...I like to think I do, anyways...its all a matter of opinion, I suppose...you may ask people on the 'receiving side' of my relationships if they feel like I put a lot into them...and they may feel I don't...I have no idea. Maybe I'm disillusioned and don't have a heart for others at all, who would know? But...my point is: my mind is a mess. I am constantly asking God to help me think on things that are true - to hear HIS voice and not be discouraged all the time by the relationships I've lost...because I know I am blessed to have some true, deep, and unbelievably beautiful relationships.  Some of what I've lost in losing my church...is the reality that what was lost...wasn't as much a 'loss' in and of itself...as it was the reality that it wasn't what I thought it was...or tried to make it.  I've hung onto a handle of those relationships...but when you're used to seeing so so many dozens and dozens of people on a weekly basis...and they gradually dwindle to...say...15????? its a loss. and a punch in the gutt...my church fell apart. like...literally...fell apart. it does not exist anymore. And we were there until the very end. All 15 of us.  Week after week we showed up, wondering who would meet us...and it was like a reminder every week that life was going on without us....it became unbearable, honestly. I still cannot believe that 8 and a half years ago when we started going to our church, there were over 300 people...and we no longer exist. There are still groups of people meeting together in various churches around the area...but...its not the same. Anyone I talk to about it, feels the same...like they're not 'home' - not sure where they 'belong' - they miss the old church. And I do, too...but...there's not one thing I can do about it anymore. We are scattered. I don't even have the ability to reconcile myself with this 'church' because...everyone is everywhere...there are several relationships that I have tried, over and over again to try to connect with...and after awhile...the few that seem mutual...prevail. Jason has told me for years, he thinks I invest in the wrong people. I don't know when to give up.  I pour my heart and soul into some people...and the realization that its not being reciprocated...stings a little. I feel responsible for every broken relationship. But why???? It is really, truly...not all my fault. Its in the reality of some of the truth depth and mutual CARE of many of my friendships...that I see the LACK of that, in others. And I need to tell myself its okay to let go. Never stop being loving and having a heart of approachability and acceptance....but...I need to know when to let go. Its not realistic that I should hold onto every relationship that has ever been in my life...things change...and its not all my fault. I do, however...have many people in my life, worth the effort...and the effort is reciprocated. I get so disappointed and discouraged and hurt when I feel misunderstood, and unappreciated....I feel most valued when I am pursued and listened to...not qualities many people like to put forth...its hard, putting someone else's needs above your own....but -- I've experienced it...I have felt so heard...by only a few...but...I have experienced it. And I know that true, true friendship...is rare. and beautiful...and the fact that I have more than one true friend..is a gift...and one I don't take for granted.  I just need to stop counting my losses and dwelling on what I don't have...and being more grateful for what I DO have...it makes the loyal friendships that much sweeter.  To love...and be loved...what a gift. 


I have experienced a lot of anxiety the last few months especially. Its just grasping reality and walking through pain and loss, not just in my own life...but in the lives of those I love...life is getting harder...its not hard like, I'm hoping a certain boy likes me, or not having the nicest clothes, or not making good grades or having the car on Friday night...its hard, like...life and death...people walking out of your life...financial burdens, marriages failing, parents being sick, parents dying, friends not having babies...friends losing babies...


and I'm reminded that

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - CS Lewis

But I don't want to live with a hope for another world only....because I know I have the true Author of HOPE in me...now. today...and I am trying, desperately...to let Him have control of this jumbled mess, that is my mind...I need Him. I have listened to so many amazing messages about Jesus lately...and every time I am challenged and feel encouraged to hand things over...again, to Him...and He takes me and gives me new mercies...every. single. day. I lose heart so easily when I feel like people fail me...the grace I extend runs dry so quickly.  But...He. Jesus -- He offers it to me over and over and over again. 

I can't even understand that, really.

And I can't think of a great way to wrap this post up...but I'm tired of writing, so...this is it for now.



Levi is TWO!

I'm a terrible blogger...and terrible at recording things, it seems, lately...But I need to do it more...otherwise I'm left to my thoughts, swirling around in my head all the time...and getting them OUT at least gives me some release and offers some perspective and sense to what is going on in this crazy head of mine.  But...I'm not writing about my thoughts right now. I don't have the energy.  But...I will write a bit about this sweet little babe in the picture above...who just turned TWO on Christmas Day.  Still seems crazy to me that I have a kid with a birthday on Christmas Day. As if its not crazy enough and expensive enough...we were up wrapping Christmas gifts and birthday gifts on Christmas Eve 'til 2:30 in the morning...(why we think its a good idea to keep THAT tradition, I don't know!) - then we still had to decorate Levi's birthday cake. Oh my word.

ANNNNNYWAYS...

This kid...has quite a little personality! He doesn't seem to have as much of a 'people-pleasing' personality as Jonah does...he kinda does his own thing. He's not a performer - not crazy about having his picture taken...he does sooo many cute things...and inevitably stops once I go and fetch the camera to take a picture of record him. He loves to dance! He has rhythm! Can barely listen to music without raising his hands and shaking his hips...he's super cute.  No-one makes him laugh like Jonah does...he is quite a fan of his big brother. He calls him 'N-ja'. He is not going to be a pushover - Jonah may be twice his size, but he can fight back if Jonah takes a toy from him. He's very vocal! He's saying a lot more words lately -- quite a little chatterbox! Jonah and Levi share a room, and Jonah often comes downstairs saying he can't sleep 'cause Levi keeps talking to him! haha -- so cute! Jonah is a chatterbox, too though...so I think he can handle a little taste of his own medicine!

Levi loves books!! It is about the only time I can get that kid to sit still, if I read him books.  or strap him in his high chair and let him watch Sesame Street! He does love Elmo and Cookie Monster! And Thomas the Train. Jonah never liked Thomas - so I'm trying to convince him he likes Chuggington better since we have so many Chuggington trains and books! He does seem to enjoy that too! He does often wanna watch 'a show' - but doesn't sit still for very long to watch one! He likes family nights when we watch a movie all together - and he immediately goes and grabs blankets for all of us so we can snuggle together on the couch!

Levi loves to tease -- he's always pretending things are something different than what they are, to get a laugh out of us...and teases us with kisses and tickles.  He loves making us laugh! And we do, often...he's quite entertaining! He still loves to cuddle - mostly before bed...and he loves his blankie, and sticks his thumb in his mouth when he's ready to go to sleep.  He still LOVES milk! I go through the carton of whole milk for him quicker than the 2% that Jonah, Jay, and I all share...He's not a very big eater, but doesn't seem particularly picky about any specific foods.  He loves cookies!

He's not overly big - though I haven't had him to the doctor in awhile to have him weighed.  He's wearing 24 month clothing, mostly.  He gets a lot of attention in the stores, flashing his smile and saying "hi" to everyone that walks by. But he can be finicky, too, about who he likes and doesn't like.  As curly as Jonah's hair was at this age...Levi's is pin straight and very fine. We all just sit around watching him sometimes and cannot believe the cuteness of this little fella. I cannot imagine my life without this little boy. 

He loves our little puppy, Sophie. He's always hugging her and sitting on her...I think Sophie likes the attention -- she's very patient with Levi!

He loves playing mini stick hockey -and loves the little golf club set his Mammie and Papa got him for his birthday...he's always running around the house with those sticks and clubs and hitting things!!

He's still a really good sleeper - usually naps a couple hours in the afternoon and is in bed most nights around 7:00 -- usually up around 7:00-7:30 - though the odd time he will sleep in past 8:00.  The last couple of weeks, he's not as 'happy' to go to bed...he fights me a bit - but usually is quiet within a minute or two after I leave his room. He's been singing "God is so good" with us lately - and it is just the sweetest thing!

We love this little fella. He has added a lot of joy - and energy!! - to our home, for sure. I look forward to seeing his little personality continuing to develop, and am just so thankful I get to be his Mama.  Our little Christmas miracle.

worship

I love Jesus Culture...if I could sing like anyone, I'd probably sing like Kim Walker.  That girl can sing, oh my word.  I was listening this morning to them sing You Won't Relent, and the phrase that stuck out to me...

"I don't wanna talk about You, like You're not in the room.

Wanna look right at You, wanna sing right to You..."

 



I was thinking how odd it would be to sit in a room with a bunch of people...and talk about one of the people sitting there with you.  To go on and on about that person, describing them, how you feel about them, what they've done for you and what they mean to you...with them sitting right there listening...like they're not there...instead of talking to that person. 

 

I know Jesus is different...there are times we talk about Him and times we talk to Him.  But I was thinking how much more it seems to actually BE worship when you're directing your thoughts, words, music, actions, whatever...TO HIM.  I'm not trying to think of something new and profound to say about this...just have been thinking about it for the past hour...and wanted to write it down...so I think about it and remember.   

My man

So...Jay. Is not, by nature, a fighter. Which I love...but also it makes me crazy sometimes...because I...am ALSO not a fighter by nature...but sometimes I get worked up...I get analytical and introspective, and beat myself up, and criticize others, and get discouraged and disappointed...and I want him to join me and get riled up and fight and rant and join my side...or fight me and let me 'win', depending on the situation that is riling me up.  But the truth is...when I push him, and press those buttons...and get him to the point of 'fight'...I hate it...I hate that I push that guy sometimes and make him be someone he's not and upset him and try to 'convince him' of whatever my point of view is...because...in ways...I'm a better fighter. But in other ways...he is. 'cause he's more level-headed...less led by emotions...which at times is not good...but...at times it is...because he's often...usually...led by his convictions...by what he feels is right and godly and 'others-led'. 

Like...church.  For so so so long...church has been such a conflict...such a source of discouragement and dissention and anger and hurt and disloyalty and stress and disunity and frustration...and...we have gone through major, major...MAJOR change over the past couple years...and especially the past year. It has been rough, rough going, to say the least.  I have experienced incredible anxiety and distress on so many Sundays over the past year especially...there have been more times than I can count, that I thought we were done.  Like, REALLY thought we were done.  And yet...we keep showing up.  Like suckers for punishment.  Or...people not yet ready to give up.  I don't know.  I struggle with the idea that maybe we're just stubborn...hanging on when almost everyone else has walked away...and I do mean almost everyone.  When we first started going to our church the summer of 2005...over 8 years ago...it was thriving! Over 300 people, busting out the seams of the little country church building they were meeting in...people driving from all across the Island and even from New Brunswick...just to come to church...there was a buzz about it...it was growing...it was ministering to broken people, our pastors were united and a power-house team of spreading love and grace...people loved our church...it was definitely bringing hope to people who were jaded and cynical, and showing grace and redemption to people who hadn't experienced either. 

And without going into it all again...hashing it all out...here we are now.  Not quite 30 people.  We have lost MOST of our congregation...most of our leadership...most of our teens and kids...most of our families...both of our pastors...our name, our building, our location...and we are...bare bones, really.  Almost everyone who has made church 'church'...are gone...either to other churches, other provinces...or no church at all.  And we....remain.  Not without conflict...not without sadness and the lure of the 'grass is greener on the other side'....for me, anyways.  There are a couple of churches I know of that many of our people have gone to...some of them happy and settled...others still not quite there...and I wanna 'test it out'...see if I might be 'happier' somewhere else.  I kinda wanna just show up and be ministered 'to'...too.  I've spoken to many who used to come to church with us...who are now needing to go to church to 'rest' and just show up and not have to do anything, or talk to anyone or connect or get involved...and I GET THAT.  I kinda want that too.  But...

I have this husband...who is convicted that that is not what we should do.  He continues to show up to the youth group he's been a leader of for the past number of years, even though all but one other leader has left...when a few years ago there were over 10 leaders...and sometimes close to 40 kids...and this past week they doubled their group of kids from the two weeks prior...and had 8.  But...he's not discouraged...because he sees the opportunity to love these kids...to show them they matter, even if they aren't necessarily the 'cool kids'...to continue to play games and give them a devotion about Jesus and encourage them and love them and give them a snack...because those 8 kids love going...and they need to know they matter.  And he is good at making the 'unimportant' people feel important.  He does it every day at his job...he loves those people who sometimes can't communicate even a word to him...who can't give anything back, who certainly don't draw a crowd or have much to offer...but he shows up...looking for ways to love and encourage, even if they aren't the 'coolest'...even if its not a lucrative job with very good hours...because its an opportunity to show these people that someone cares...even if he is 'just a bus driver'.  He's much more than that...

And he continues to show leadership in our little congregation...continues to show up and encourage and minister...and show the people remaining...that he hasn't given up on them.  Which is important.  There's a part of me that wants to leave and move on to bigger and better things...and I resent a tiny bit, honestly...that many of my family and friends have done that...all for various reasons...I want that freedom a little bit, too, honestly.  But...I am challenged, too...by my husband...and his conviction to show up and give and minister and encourage, no matter if there's 300 or 30...because those 30 people...call that place home...even though the face of church has changed, our name has changed...we have...almost nothing, by comparison to what most churches have...but...there are 30 people who we love...who need to feel important and cared for...and that the idea of these people who are left, want to love the community around us...want to learn more about Jesus and how to show that love to others...even if we don't look like your typical church...even if we can't afford a pastor right now and our Sunday School consists of three or four kids...I want to be part of something where I am valued, where I can show up and have opportunity and be challenged to give of myself, and not just show up and expect to be 'fed'...I am glad that I have a husband who is different than I am...and that his example and leadership and loyalty and perseverance is not as flighty or selfish as mine.  I need that challenge.  I may have almost walked away a hundred times...and I don't know for certain what the future holds for us...but...for now...I am thankful to have a husband like I do...that man...drives me crazy sometimes.  Absolutely.  But...I have utmost respect for him, and am challenged daily by his ability and desire to minister to others...Not to say he doesn't need ME, as well...my high-and-low emotions and my flighty convictions and commitment...must have a place there too...right???

But. Its all grace.  it is really ALL grace.  That God just continues to pour His goodness and grace over me...despite my lack of commitment and my lack of vision and heart for others at times...that He lets me serve Him and experience Him...and be blessed by the kindness and love and encouragement...of so many...and...that I see HIM more clearly in the presence of some of the people He has placed in my life...and right now...I see His heart through seeing my husband...because Jesus...loves ME like I am the most important soul in the world...He pursues me and gives grace to ME and mercy to ME every morning...He gives me joy when I don't expect it...He offers me forgiveness and another chance to try again when I fail Him...He lets me read His Word and be spoken to even when I often, often fail to look there to hear from Him...He lets me SPEAK to Him...He lets me cry out to Him on the behalf of others who I love and hurt for so desperately...and He shows me that His care and compassion is far greater than mine...and He shows me His goodness and His love for me when He has chosen to let me be the recipient of such love and kindness from others...He has not forgotten me...I have been so unlovable...and He has never, for a moment, stopped loving me...or stopped showing up for me even though I have stopped looking for Him to show up...even in a tiny little congregation...its like I think He's forgotten us...or that He is meeting in some other churches' congregations, but maybe not in ours, because so many others have left...like I think perhaps we're the fools who keep showing up...and for what????

But...its not really, actually...about me. Or how I feel.  Or how Jason feels, either, for that matter.  But...his heart, his conviction...the wisdom I see in him from Him...I am grateful for.  And as I anticipate church tomorrow morning...I want to go looking to meet with Him...looking for ways to allow Him to shine through me...to look to the hearts of the other ones who show up...and how I can love them and encourage them...and try not to feel discouraged by who doesn't show up...but to be encouraged by who does.

Wow. There's a few unedited ramblings I may or may not regret posting. But...its my blog. And how I am processing thoughts these days it seems.  Others of you reading...probably checked out several paragraphs ago...I wouldn't blame you. 

Anyways.  That's all for now.  This man I love...is sound asleep on the couch beside me...so I think we should head up to our comfy bed and get some rest after a busy family day celebrating Thanksgiving. The hike through the woods and the turkey and activity...is definitely causing me some sleepiness even though its only 10:30...

A good day.  A good 24 hours, filled with goodness and things to be thankful for.  I have much, much, much to be thankful for.  I was taking note of some of it tonight...and reminded of the importance of actually 'counting your blessings'...which is why it is important to be intentional about recognizing the gifts. Something I fail to do too often. But...tonight.  I'm grateful to have a husband who loves the Lord, who loves his family, and loves the world around him. 

on writing

I've mentioned before that I don't claim to be a 'writer', or even a real blogger, for that matter...I have a blog, but...mostly 'cause it seems to be easier for me to write thoughts down here than to comfortably find a pen and write down on one of the many journals I have lying around here. I'm not sure why, 'cause I do actually enjoy the art of actually 'writing', rather than typing. But...I am concluding that, either way, I need to write. On paper, on computer...on random little pieces of paper...its how I process...how I remember.  As I am watching my boys develop their little personalities and figuring out what makes them tick, what works or doesn't work to teach them or discipline them...I reflect on my own style of learning and being disciplined...

I was never an over-achiever academically, that is for sure.  I was more interested in the social side of things.  And I used to feel 'less-than' when report cards came out, or exam grades came in, because my grades were...certainly 'less than'.  But I do wonder if it was just the style of learning, and the fact that I had to be good at memorizing...and I was for the most part, 'lecture' taught....I am a visual learner.  I have to see something if its going to sink in to my brain.  Which is why I always loved writing papers in school...it was about the only thing I enjoyed academically...the opinion ones more than the research ones, mind you...but still: writing. It helped me learn, it helped me process. 

And I have been neglecting this art of writing lately.  On purpose, in some ways...as I feel there is a lot going on in the world around me...that really does need processing...but instead of processing...all the thoughts and feelings and sadness and anxiety and emotion of it all...just keeps swimming around in my head and heart...occasionally showing itself in tangible ways...but mostly just swimming around...and lately it seems when the thoughts come to the surface...they are coming out in frustration...not at all aimed toward the cause of frustration...but at my little boys.  Who don't seem to know how to be quiet when I need silence, or stop running around and being crazy when I need stillness. 

But...its actually not their fault. 

Not their fault that there is stress and sadness and sickness and heart-ache in the lives of so many that their Mama loves...and I internalize it all, and don't know how to not be able to do anything about most of it...and when I snap, and can't keep it all in or hold myself together...they are there...being the unfortunate recipient of said emotion and frustration...

And they are gracious, and forgiving and love their Mama despite it all.  Its humbling, really.  But, not fair.

So. I need to write...I'm not really the type to pour my heart and soul out onto a public blog, but...sometimes its not just pouring my heart and soul out...its recognizing and taking note of the little things...the sweet boys I get to raise and their adorable and peculiar and hilarious shenanigans...and food, and the great joy I seem to get out of making it and sharing it with my family...and pictures...and songs...and whatever else I feel like I need to write about to just...get it out!!! To notice, to be a little 'One Thousand Gifts' from time to time...I need it.

So...little blog...you need some more action.  And you're about to get it.

This day, for the record...is gorgeous.  Breezy and sunny and perfect...exactly as Fall should be. 

Invisible Buckets...

So....I think besides MISSING Jonah every day...the thing that is so weird about him being in kindergarten...is just imagining him spending all those hours away from me...sitting in his little class, building relationships, doing stuff...without me there to interfere...control him...discipline...observe and perhaps offer advice if need be!! I sometimes fear I am 'on him' too much...not always knowing that balance between shaping him and adjusting his behavior as needed...and just letting him be...him. 

He's always been really good at communicating his thoughts and feelings...and he's much more detail-oriented than I may have expected, considering who his Mama is...but, I love hearing him tell me things about his day...some of it prompted by me while he eats his snack after he gets off the bus...and little bits and pieces intersected within other 'less pointed' conversations...

He's been telling us about who he plays with at recess and who he sits with in his class...I try to encourage him to ask people questions...and especially their names so we can know a little more...and simply because its polite!

He has been hanging around with a little kid...we're pretty sure his name is Drew.  Drew asked Jonah to sit with him the other day, and it seems they have been buddies every since...he says Drew calls him 'friend' instead of 'Jonah.' Which seems very cute to me.  He says they laugh and play at recess and sit by each other in their classroom.

But today he told me his teacher said they can't sit by each other anymore, 'cause "they act too crazy."

Yikes.

He said they didn't get in trouble...and assures me his teacher never got mad at them...

But I just got to thinking...about how much of his day I can't observe...I can't be there to make sure he's acting the way he should act...I can't prevent anything from happening before it happens (like Mama's seem often, to be able to do!)...I can't discipline him after he's done something he shouldn't have...I can't tell him to stop throwing dirt at a kid who just threw sand in his eyes...even though all he did was throw dirt on the other kids' jacket...I can't make him eat the carrots I send in his lunch...I can't pick his friends, or tell him where to sit...I can't offer suggestions about what he should do at recess...

And I've really purposely not been a super structured, hyper controlling mother for his first five years of life...but I have tried really hard, to shape his character, to teach him to listen and be respectful and kind...and have taught him so much about Jesus love for him and how that love changes us and shows others that He is good...

And now all I can do is trust that while he is not under my watchful eye...he is still developing into the little person God has created him to be, and continue to do all I can when he is with me.

On the way in to pick up Jay from work...Jonah was in the back seat, trying to get me to turn around and look at the bucket he had on his lap.  I kept saying "I know you don't have a bucket on you, Jonah...I can't turn around while I'm driving..." But he kept insisting.

Then he says "its invisible."

Which triggers a memory of something he mentioned the other day about his teacher talking about how they each have buckets.  He may have missed some details about how to fill up these buckets...but, basically he was connecting that a full bucket is when you're happy and an empty bucket is when you're not...and little things happen that either fill or empty your bucket.

So, as I convey my understanding...He tells me his bucket got a little bit empty when he wasn't allowed to sit with Drew at circle time.

His first of many drops out of a full bucket...and I wasn't there.

I do hate that a little bit. 

But I do love to see how already...in just a few days...he has experienced such joy and such independence and had so much fun learning new things...and I am so proud of that little boy...and grateful even more, that I get to be his Mama...and that I can spend time with both my boys...and consider it a great great privilege and blessing to be raising them...

Increasingly so...I am a happy little Mama.  The seven hours a day that I now DON'T get to spend with Jonah...make me so much more grateful for the remaining 6 that I do.

Kindergarten

This is my baby's first day of kindergarten...He did so well, that dear boy of mine...Jay and I both took him to school, as the school request you do that on their first day of kindergarten...he was pretty excited...but once we stepped into his classroom and reality was setting in a bit, he got a little nervous...and a little teary when it was time for us to go...I gave him a Kleenex to put in his pocket if he needed it...when he came home on the bus that day...he told me he didn't need his Kleenex, 'cause he wasn't sad for long at all. So -- that's good!! I knew he'd do great...and every day since, he's done well...its still not quite real to me that this is now the new normal...I miss him...I think about him soo many times during the day...I'm used to spending all day, every day with him...I really do miss him.  But I'm so so happy he's enjoying school...and I LOVE when he gets off that bus and comes in and tells me about his day while he eats his snack.

I'm so happy that his little friend Hunter is in his class...Hunter and Jonah have known each other since they were babies...and I'm so happy they get to play together every day now.

Seriously. Where does the time go????? I love this kid. I am so proud of him.  He comes home every day from school and tells me all about his day...and its strange, to have so many hours that I am not with him...but its such a relief to know he is happy and having fun...and I'm so grateful I get to be here when he gets off the bus, and that I still have over 4 hours to spend with him before he is completely exhausted...I'm still so grateful that I get to be home instead of working and missing out on time with these boys. 

And its been really nice spending more one-on-one time with Levi...the first two days Jonah was in school, Levi was soo so happy!! He just seemed delighted to have my full attention!! Now yesterday and today, I think the novelty wore off a bit!! haha....he seemed to be missing Jonah a little today.  But I am enjoying having some time to spend with Levi...and he is changing so much - learning new words every day...and just developing his little personality more and more. He is BUSY!!!! Does not stop moving...until I take him to bed...which he fights sometimes...but by the time I step into his room, his head is snuggled in to my neck, and his thumb is in his mouth...and he is more than happy to lay down in his bed with his blankie...he seems to say 'menay' like Jonah did, about his little blankie...and he LOVES LOVES that little blue blankie.

I'm exhausted tonight...but felt like I should record SOMETHING about Jonah's first few days of school...I tend to spend more time on my ipad these days than on my laptop...and though I've gotten much better at typing on my ipad, I still can't quite imagine doing a whole blog post on it...so I have to make it more of a point to actually turn my laptop on so I can write on here...

So. that is all for tonight.

School

I bought Jonah a BACK PACK today for school. Like...my kid. is going. to school. in four. days. I'm not ready for this. I froze a piece of our home-made pizza tonight, so he can take it in his lunch. at school.  Where he will open his lunch box himself, and sit at a little desk and eat his lunch and spend 6 hours a day away from me. How is this possible?? Isn't he, like...2??? or maybe 3??????

That is all.

getting back into the groove

...and oh my soul...I forgot how at the end of the day, I near wanna pull my hair out...or Jonah's hair...or someone's -- anyone's -- hair. Levi is as exhausting as he is cute...the boy is vocal, and stubborn and bu-sy!!!! good grief, that child never.stops.moving. Its funny, though, 'cause he doesn't seem to mind being confined to his stroller, or car seat, or high chair...once we get him there...but, unless he's strapped down...he is on the move.  We went to visit some friends tonight for dinner...and I wondered 10 minutes in why in the world I thought I'd have a chance to catch up with my friend...and why in the WORLD I thought I wouldn't need to bring his high chair??? Thank goodness these friends have literally had dozens of kids in and out of their home over the years, with 5 of their own, and dozens of foster children over the years -- they are laid back, and very non-judgey...and still a joy to be around, even if the conversation is interrupted every...oh, 5 seconds or so...

Pretty much FINALLY got most of our stuff from the summer put away today...now, to find places for the things my dear mother is slowly, but surely sending down to our house...she re-decorated, spruced up, re-organized, took advantage of the fact that we weren't home and couldn't refuse her things she was donating...offered to freshen our house up just before our renters arrived this summer...and...we have a few little extra's hidden in various locations in our house...and some other extra's my great-aunt so graciously gives us every time Mom goes through Moncton...to add to our already over-stocked house that is quickly running out of storage and floor space...and its driving me crazy. Sorry, Mom. I wouldn't say I'm a pack rat...and I wouldn't say I'm a minimalist, but...I am really finding the lack of storage, and all these toys and books and blankets and STUFF that I have no space for...a little overwhelming.  A Yard Sale seems like so much work, but...I think it is going to have to happen in the near future, or this Mama is gonna lose.her.mind.

But -- its Friday night...we have just completed a download of a movie...Jay has just woken up from a power nap...and...I'm signing off.  Randomness...I don't put much thought into these posts...I write...don't re-read...hit 'publish'...and that's it...that's how this blog rolls...won't be making it into the Top Ten Blogs to Read List or anything, but...sometimes it just is nice to sit down and type a few words for the cyberspace world. You're welcome.