Bread

I am a good cook, is that rude to say?! I'm a good baker, too, at most things. Most things, except...Bread. I cannot make good bread. I have tried a few times, unsuccessfully, and...all the time and effort put into making bread, and then not having it turn out...is very. very. discouraging. and frustrating. and makes me mad. BUT. I have a goal. In 2011, I will become a good bread maker. I think I will. I'm certainly going to giver 'er a 'go.' My mom just made 19 loaves (yep - that is NOT a typo!) of delicious, seriously - DELICIOUS - oatmeal molasses bread...and I have decided: its time. Time to become a good bread maker. My grandfather's family owned a bakery: Bredin's Bakery (not a very original 'name', but...whatever.) - he was a good bread maker, my mother is a good bread maker, and...I think its in my genes: so...I have made a goal - that is about to be published on the world-wide-web: to become a good bread maker. There ya go.

I love toast. I love bread. And have never comtemplated a no-carbs diet (or diet of any kind, to be honest) - so...it only makes sense that I should be able to make my own. So. 2011...watch out. I will not be making New Year's resolutions to lose weight -- I will, in fact, probably gain even MORE weight if I accomplish my goal, but...whatever. I look forward to the challenge.

Christmas 2010

Well, it has been a whirl-wind of a holiday. Christmas was sooo much fun with Jonah this year! He has turned into quite a little bundle of energy the last several weeks, and...I'm not entirely sure its just the holidays...he's soo hilarious - he genuinely makes us laugh! He loved Christmas -- he figured out after he opened the first couple Chuggington trains, that there were more under the tree...so, we weren't able to take our time quite as slowly as we anticipated! But - he was THRILLED! It was so fun watching him open his gifts...and he is very excited about 'claying' with his toys every day -- a couple times today, I tried convincing him to watch a show, and he didn't want to! Hahaha!

And we've had lots of time with the family - which is always...fun, and...draining a little bit, too -- there is a lot of us!! But - I would say everyone had a great time together - and we're happy to be able to spend so much time with Mike, who is only home for a few more days 'til he goes back to Toronto...

Lots of food -- lots of games -- and...I think Mom and Dad's highlight was the slideshow of old and new pictures, and the letters of 'memories' from each of us kids...it was a little 'emo', right, Erin?! But...a keep-sake we all enjoyed doing, and it was a special thing to sit down all together and watch our life in a slideshow...and I was thankful my annoying computer didn't shut off, like it is VERY prone to do at very in-opportune times!!

Its always a little nice to 'get back to normal', though, I'll admit...I haven't taken down my decorations yet, but -- I'm a little anxious to get things back in their proper place, and to figure out where to put the new stuff -- mostly Jonah's toys! All his toys this year are small, but...there's a lot of them!!

So -- no real 'news' to tell, but...figured I should write a quick entry, at least, before the year is up...2011 -- here we come!!!

band concert

Soooo... Jonah was 'that kid' tonight. you know: the one dancing like a maniac and causing a scene, and 'attacking' the kid sitting beside us at an attempt to play and wrestle and make him laugh, and yelling out while we were in between songs, and running up and down our row, trying to play on everyone's ipod's (we were with a bunch of people from church, so it was okay, but)...still...oh my word. out. of. control. And having the time of his life...he's getting to be quite a little monkey...doesn't for a second think he might not be 'welcome', so...he just plows his way into everyone's hearts. I love him. He's a handful sometimes, but...he brings us loads of joy and laughter. And peace...when he is finally snuggled and tucked into his bed...

no snow

We don't have a speck of snow, and...I'm super bummed about it. It makes me feel so much less Christmasy not seeing snow on the ground or in the air, or anywhere. Oh how I wish it would snow. We have a week and a half to go -- pleeeeassse --- let it snow.

In other news...I worked tonight. Jason started his day schedule yesterday, so I will work one night and one morning so that my mom watches Jonah in the morning, and Jason is home with him on the night I work. Its still hard to wrap my mind around Jason being home every night for supper. Every. night. And he will be off every weekend. I'm sooo excited about that!! Annnnnddd...we're going on a DATE this Friday night...for supper, and then some Christmas shopping. Which means, I won't be shopping for HIM, but...we do have some shopping to do together, so...that will be nice. I can't wait!!

We have no youth group tomorrow night, 'cause every kid but 2 of them is either attending or playing in the junior high school's band concert...sooooo...Jason, Jonah, and I are going to go watch!! I'm so excited!! We're starting to enjoy these kids more and more -- and I'm happy to be able to go see their band play!

And...life is...just happening right now, I guess...Getting busy with Christmas just around the corner -- and excited for my little brother to come home this weekend!! I love the holidays with family: and Jason does NOT have to work this Christmas -- which is awesome!!!

I have nothing note-worthy to share tonight. Not on here anyways...

Christmas tree

The tree is up, lit, and beautiful. And smells delicious. And only costed 10 bucks. SAAAAA-weet!

little rascal

Its 2:34, and Jonah has been in bed almost an hour and a half, and he's STILL talking....what on earth?!?! I keep debating going up there and rocking him to sleep, or scolding him, but...do I dare?! Oh my word. Osmosis?!?! Go to sleep, Jonah, go to sleeeeeeeeeeepppp. What a little rascal. Seriously.

my weekend with people I love

I don't 'work for the weekend' anymore, but...I still enjoy them: there's something 'refreshing' about feeling like there's a different pace and expectation, and you can do 'what you want'...which, as per a conversation this week with my oldest friend, I verbalized, and she agreed the same thing for her: we rarely 'allow' ourselves to just do what we want, and be 'in the moment' as we 'should' be. Its funny, realizing how I even formed that sentence, using the word 'should', because it is CERTAINLY a daily part of my life. When I'm cooking or cleaning, I feel like I 'should' be playing with Jonah; when I'm playing with Jonah, I feel like I 'should' be doing something more productive; when I'm relaxing, I feel like I 'shouldn't' be lazy, etc, etc....so, I wind up feeling all the time like I'm doing the wrong thing. Which is ridiculous. No-one makes me feel like that except for me. (and maybe the odd, judgmental person, who is taking out their lack-of-contentment-in-their-own-life...on me.) but, anyways, I digress.

This weekend...I tried to enjoy it, tried to stop all the analyzing (not an easy task for me), and just enjoy what was happening. And...I had a great weekend. Amidst a wicked headache yesterday, I got to finally see Handel's Messiah at our very own Confederation Centre of the Arts in Charlottetown, kindness of my friend, Colleen. (who doesn't know I blog.) and it was beautiful, moving, and lovely...and made me miss my choir days! And made me want to be a better musician, but...still: I enjoyed it. I enjoyed a cup of Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks before-hand, too -- and I honestly didn't think about the 5 bucks it cost me until: now. Haha. And I didn't feel 'torn' about being away from Jonah and Jason for the entirety of a Sunday afternoon...though I was very happy to see them when I got back!! We all had supper with Amanda and Silas on Saturday night...and had a ridiculous time watching our boys be silly and completely 'let their guard down' with each other - we laugh at the insanity of them, and are delighted we no longer 'make excuses' for them, and just let them be, knowing our love for our own, and for each other's boys....gets rid of the guilt and judgment. That's a beautiful thing. I didn't word it eloquently, because...its 8:00 in the morning, and I am literally typing as I think, and have no intention of going back and editing this post. But...I love when you have friends you can just totally be yourself with, and don't fear the judgment, or feel the need to 'explain' yourself or anything. As I get older, and especially these recent days, I am realizing more and more who my 'real' friends are: and...I am blessed. I don't often acknowledge that fact, when I'm feeling sorry for myself, or wishing things were 'like the old days', or missing friends 'from away', etc, etc...but...I have some of the greatest friends (and family!) I could ever dream up. And I'm so thankful. Its not to say I don't have some less-than-fantastic friends in my life, too...I acknowledge that as well, but...let's focus on the positive, right?!

Anyways. I had my staff party this weekend, too...which, was actually pretty fun!! And I got an increase of $20 on my bonus!! WOOHOO!! :) Always a nice thing around Christmas. I also won 2 of the 3 games, so got myself some prizes, too! I was seriously on FIRE!!! hahaha.

And lastnight, I hung out with Jason and Erin (my little sister), who is really, just part of our little family (I mean, she actually IS, but...I mean part of our little Paulino family)....she thinks she outstays her welcome here, but...we wouldn't have it any other way....we love her. And...we don't want her to move away. So...we're praying she finds a job here. So proud of her - you're gonna be the best teacher, Erin! Please find a job in PEI. We love you too much. So does Jonah.

Which brings me to another point. (wow, I have a lot to say for it being 8:00 in the morning.) I am thankful for people who love my boy. I mean, really LOVE my boy. What a special thing when you watch people who don't 'have to' love him, really LOVE him. Amanda, maybe I love you more and more as I watch you love him more and more. You're so good at loving us!! And, Erin...of course. Those two are best friends. And there are a couple of boys (in university!) at our church, who Jonah adooores!!! He prays for them and talks about them often through the week...and yesterday, we sat behind them in church...so of course, he was quite smitten...and ended up sitting beside Ben and on Ryan's lap for a good part of the service....I still find myself feeling like, "I hope they don't feel obligated to be nice to him", but....they're just soo great with him, and give him so much attention...I'm so thankful for that!

Oh, let's see....the wind is ROARING outside...and seriously, that's what woke me up early this morning....I couldn't fall back asleep, so I came downstairs and had coffee with Jason before he went to work...and I was all cozied up on my couch, and....thankful that I have my very own little home. I didn't think it would ever happen - and it may not be elaborate or huge or fancy, but...it ours, and...we love it. Especially at Christmas - its so cozy and homey....and I'm so happy to have my own little space to call my own.

And its now 8:15, and my boy is still sound asleep upstairs. Which is another reason to be thankful. Yesterday he woke up, crying, at 7:11 in the morning. He never wakes up crying, poor little fella. And he never wakes up that early, either....So - today...I am thankful I have a little boy who doesn't wake up early, and I have a bit of time to.....myself. To blog, and now...to shower. Its Monday, and...I think, despite the grey-ness and wind and dreariness outside: I think its gonna be a good day. Wow. Can I ramble...

Christmas is coming!

So...I'm sooo so excited for Christmas -- and I have to say...it really started on Thanksgiving. Like, that is the day when it really starts to feel like Christmas. Partly 'cause we're eating all the foods we normally eat on Christmas Day - partly because we FINALLY see Santa Claus at the end of the Macy's parade! - and...we put up our Christmas decorations on that day. I'm so excited!! And...Christmas really is so much fun with a kid -- Jonah probably doesn't completely understand it all, but - He's sooo excited!! We've stopped telling him what's happening the next day, 'cause he gets too excited and can't get to sleep - no joke! He's 2 and a half - are you kidding me?! Oh my word. He was so excited to put up the decorations - had little bits of garland ALL over the house, from running around with it! And...we just saw Santa AGAIN at our own little Santa Claus Parade in Charlottetown. I have no beefs with Santa. I kinda like him, actually. He seems so magical to me, even though I don't (really) believe he's real.

And with the Christmas season, brings...Christmas parties, and allll kinds of yummy food!! And...grocery bills that I really can't afford, but...have decided I'm going to buy anyways, because...its my joy. I love having people over, I love having yummy food to share with people, and...I will TRY to not spend so much time fretting over money. It sucks the joy out of it for me. Don't worry, I will not go into tooo much more debt over this Christmas, but...I will be thankful for the resources (credit cards) I have, and....use it wisely, and...lovingly.

And...don't tell Jonah, but...I found some Chuggington trains for him for Christmas! At Zellers (the Canadian version of Target), so...I'm so happy about that - He's going to be thrilled!! He ADORES trains, and....ADORES Chuggington -- so...the combination will hopefully be perfect!! Though Erin and I agree: he will be as interested in the packaging that shows all the characters on it, as he will be in the trains themselves! Hahaha.

I'm (still!!) analyzing my friendships and relationships and learning who my true friends are, and who I should be really 'investing' my time in. But - I continue to be reminded that I should treat EVERYONE with love and respect, even if they aren't really my 'truest' and dearest FRIENDS. Its difficult. Because I can be a person who gives alot and cares alot about people who...don't often seem to return the favour, and...sometimes take advantage of the people who love me the most...who really: I also love the most. And...I don't want to be a person who does that. I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc...that I can be. And still be kind and loving to others, but...be aware of who my real friends are. I'm learning that...very slowly, but...I'm grateful for the dear friends, and family I have...I am continually learning how blessed I really am.

Just some ramblings. I have so much to say, and...never the time to say it all. I have some supper to prepare.

First SNOW!!!

We are currently having our first 'real' snowfall -- and I am listening to Christmas music, and not one bit ashamed. We usually (and by "WE", I mean JASON!) try to wait until American Thanksgiving, which is also when we decorate, but -- I am LOVING listening to it right now, and seeing all that pretty snow falling down...while I am tucked into my cozy little home. Not leaving unless I have to for the rest of the day....unless Jonah wants to play outside, which...will not be happening unless he wakes up from his nap VERY soon, 'cause its almost dark already. Erin and I went to a craft fair this morning, so even before the snow began, I was already feeling more Christmasy after being at the craft fair, which is a tradition for us...except this year, Mom is away, so couldn't go with us, but....anyways...I'm just happy and festive feeling right now....so, I'm signing off, and going to heat up some apple cider and turn on A Very Monkey Christmas (Curious George), 'cause I know that's what Jonah's gonna be asking for when he comes down from his nap. Merry Christmas.

Honestly.

its a good thing my battery life on my laptop isn't what it used to be...or I'd be wasting even MORE time on here than I already do. I am quite disciplined to not be on it much when Jonah's awake, but...when he's sleeping...i don't know what comes over me. like i don't want to miss a thing, like - maybe someone else has a more interesting life than I do...like, maybe I'll get some inspirationg for a new meal, a new decorating style, a new band to listen to...why do I glean such inspiration from this electronic device? and why do I fight it, at the same time? on one hand, i want to change with the times, and be up on the 'latest' and 'greatest', and on the other hand...its just not gonna happen, and most of me wants to fight it, anyways, but...alas: this thing called the internet vyes for my affections. and often wins. well...i've sucked the life out of it for now, and would rather be sitting on my comfy couch than at the *desk* (which is really a china cabinet) in the cold and un-cozy dining room all by myself. so...goodnight, 'world'. whoever you are. i still haven't broad-casted to the world that I even write this, so...i feel like I'm saying goodnight to myself. which would be silly, 'cause....I'm not going to bed. I'm going from one electronic device to another: watching What Would You Do (not to be confused with our Christian lingo "What Would Jesus Do") on the telly...which, honestly. I love.

date night

I've talked to different friends who say they crave a date night - a night without the kiddies...I wouldn't say I neccessarily feel that same craving, but...maybe its because we only have one, and we still crave time with him, we don't often see the need to 'go out', since every night that we're home together, we're...together -- Jonah's in bed, and we have several hours to do whatever we want. I have a neat home, so...once Jonah's in bed...I don't feel the need to 'do more' or get things done that I don't get to during the day...its 8:00 at night, and...I'm doing what I want...which is usually watching TV...or surfing the 'net. Well -- tonight...its Saturday night -- and I'm going on a date with my hubby!!! And - quite looking forward to it, actually -- feels like its been awhile since just the two of us have gone out, so I'm happy we get to do this tonight! We will be eating...something. Somewhere. Not sure of the fine details, but...I'm sure we'll figure it out!!

And its such a beautiful beautiful day out there...as soon as this baby boy wakes up from his nap, I think we'll head outside again and enjoy the sunshine while we can! The days are shorter now, and...up until yesterday, it had been a week or more since that sun was bursting through the clouds, and the rain has finally stopped, so...I'm enjoying the sun while I can!

And I hear that baby boy upstairs now, so...must sign off...

weekends

There's something about weekends - even when Jason's at work, it still feels like a day when you can just do what you want. Especially if its raining. Even though Jonah is upstairs calling "Mommy? Mama?" when he should be napping. And my friend's boy, Silas is sitting on the couch with me, watching Scooby Doo, and there's toys all over the the living room floor. It just feels...relaxing. And I love it - I love being home. Even though there's an idiot mouse somewhere within these 4 walls - how do I know?! We killed one yesterday - of course, hoping it was the ONLY mouse living in our house. Well - this morning, I was helping Jonah use his potty, and discovered: the mouse pooped in the potty first! At least he's a polite little rodent, pooping in the potty. Idiot. I hate mice. With. a. passion. No joke. But- anyways. That's fine - Jason's buying those plug-in mice thingies that supposedly keep them away...let's hope they work.

And tonight, we're just staying home, watching a show...and just being home. That's my favorite. We have so many nights out now, it seems. Which is fine, but -- I'm quite excited to just be home on a rainy Saturday night with my hubby.

just a quick blurb about my boy.

He's so great - he's hilarious, and happy, and loves to just have fun - and I think he's got such a sensitive spirit to him - He loves to pray, and loves to worship - and gets sad when other people are sad - and is so observant: notices when I have something nice on or do my hair or do my nails -- he noticed today that Amanda got glasses! He makes me so happy. and I am sooo delighted to be his mama. I cannot imagine my life without this little boy in it. I just have to say it. I love him.

Today

Today I am thankful for:

• My husband. I have to say it. He really is the best. I certainly do not always show him, or even realize how truly blessed I am to have him, but - hearing stories of not-so-wonderful husbands reminds me of how truly wonderful mine is. I love him.
• My little boy. He continues to bring more and more joy (and sometimes frustration!) to my life. I love watching him learn new things every day. He's hilarious, and brings so much laughter and happiness to our home!
• My friends. I become increasingly aware of what a treasure a TRUE friend is...I am not as 'popular' as I once thought I was, but...I think the friends I have surpass the friends any others could be blessed with. I am not kidding. I think you know who you are. And if you don't...shame on me.
• My little home. Its perfect for us. Not too big or elaborate...just cozy and homey - and I LOVE my red kitchen. and most days...I tolerate the horrid wallpaper that covers most of the rest of my walls. I dream of how they will become 'un-wallpapered', but...for now...I convince myself its fine.
• Being home. What I mean is...I'm thankful I only have to work 8 hours a week out of my home. Its funny, the days I work...I am itching to get back home. I've become quite accustomed to running my own schedule. I'm happy I can be home and raising my boy. I'm also happy that when I DO work, Jonah gets to be with his "Mammie" or his Daddy...I think he loves having them all to himself sometimes!
• Being close to so many parks. And having beautiful days like TODAY when we can enjoy them in the sunshine! Jonah LOVES the park. Well...he pretty much loves anything he does. I love his love for life! He's so much fun to watch!
• Coffee. Which I am drinking now, at 8:19 at night. But - I don't care, 'cause I have a good couple hours of TV to watch, and...if life is like it usually is, Jonah will be sleeping in in the morning, which means...I will be too. I love THAT. Man, that kid loves to sleep.
• Seeing one of my very dearest friends grow and become a more confident woman...I am sooo so blessed and inspired by my crazy, impulsive, charming, endearing, dramatic, generous, kind, and sweet friend. And I'm not just saying that because she happens to be the only one who knows about this blog. (where are those blasted smiley face emoticons or whatever you call them?!)
• My family. We are dysfunctional. And sometimes annoying and drive each other crazy. And in the worst of times, I wonder why on earth anyone would have such a big family, but...they are among the most precious things in my life. I am who I am because of them.
• TV. Enough of the sap, am I right?! I love TV. Seriously. Probably a little too much. And the nights when my shows aren't on, I curse that blasted tube that gives me free cable and nothing exciting to watch. I think I am a little too invested in these ficticious people. But...whatever...
• Comfy pants. I'm just saying...for real. I need jeans so badly right now, but every day that I put on these comfy black pants, I wonder why on earth I would want to wear anything else. And the answer is...ummmmm...oh, yeah - well...black pants such as I'm wearing, even for a girl like me, who is not stylish even on Sunday...are still a little too sloppy to be worn in public. most days.
• And...I have many other things I'm thankful for, but...referring to bullet point, 2 points back...I have some TV to watch. 'Night.

honesty

I like to think I'm an 'open' person, willing to share my heart and be vulnerable and authentic. But, I am really just learning to be that way...and far from being the type of person I want to be. Who isn't, though?! There is a part of me that is so deeply concerned with the needs of others, that I seem to forget how to reveal my own needs...and really - how is that being authentic?! I seem to present myself sometimes in a way that shows I am a happy, content person who doesn't really struggle with anything. soooo untrue. I may just not always have someone who is demanding my vulnerability and authenticity - and so, I can get away with pretending I'm 'fine'. I've owned up to some things in the past couple weeks, though. I've actually let some people 'in' (whether they wanted in or not!) - and I feel so much better for it. Actually admitting hurt, and actually talking to a handful of trusted friends about it...why don't I do that more?! They didn't seem one bit surprised by how I was feeling. I guess I'm not as deceiving as I thought. I am so grateful for the people in my life who let me be me, and love and accept me just the same.

Funny thing, though: my blog is still not public. For now, I kinda like it that way. I don't seem to mind a bit, delving into the minds of others through their blogs, but...I don't want someone seeing mine. just yet, anyways. that may be another lesson for another day. Today - this is my blog. For my eyes only. And perhaps those of the blog-spot owner's eyes. I'm sure they're thrilled.

We've reached another milestone in our boy's life: he is potty trained! Yay!! We started a week ago today, and I will say - he has done fantastic!!! I cannot believe how fast he caught on. The first day, we were wondering if we were going to lose our minds, but - the second day was much better, and by the 3rd day, he definetely had a pretty good handle on things, and each day has gotten better and better. I'm soooo proud of him!! He still won't really poop in the potty, but...I'm sure that will come! I can't believe I won't be buying more diapers for this little fella. (hopefully!) - he's still not 'night trained', but I don't think it'll take long. So, he's consumed quite a few Skittles, but - soo worth it for all he's accomplished!

Fall has proven to be a little cooler than I'd expected, but...I'm loving it - I feel like I'm getting into a bit more of a 'groove', and just enjoying being home, and getting organized, and cooking and baking (a bit) - and...we just went applepicking on the weekend! And I'm excited to bake some apple bread, crisps, pies, muffins, and just chomp on those fresh, crisp, delicious apples. Reminds me of growing up in the Valley - apple and pear orchards surrounding our home - my first "job" was picking the drops from the ground, and the smells and feel of being in the orchards reminds me of my sweet childhood. And I love re-creating memories from my childhood for my boy. I am enjoying more and more, this blessing of being a mama. I'm quite certain its what God created me for. Not that there aren't frustrating moments and days, but...I am delighted to be doing what I do, and raising such a wonderful little boy. He is a delight. Almost 2 and a half, I can hardly believe it. I was going through old clothes of his this morning to give to a friend, and I can't believe how much he's grown already - time flies. It is a challenge and a reward to savour these days...

my boy

I have spent a good part of the evening looking at old pictures of my baby...I can hardly believe the emotions it wells up inside me...for many reasons. He is growing up so fast - almost 2 and a half -- and everyone says how fast time goes - and i believed them, but -- my word - this is ridiculous! I've really honestly always tried to savor each day with him - not knowing if I'll be blessed enough with another child, I've really tried to enjoy each little stage, not wishing time away...but...I MISS all those little stages. don't get me wrong: I LOVE the stage he's in right now: I love watching him learn new things and new words every day - and it really does seem like every day lately brings something new, its crazy! I love seeing his personality develop, and understanding who he is - I feel like I know him so well. We always say how different he is when its just the 3 of us together. He is getting more and more confident and comfortable, though - letting others into his little world! It doesn't take much to win his affections - he's a pretty social, happy little guy! He loves to laugh - loves making other people laugh...I feel so blessed that our home is filled with so much laughter!! It is not filled with many tears. I don't know why, but - it had been such a long time since i had cried...until a few days ago. And what a release it was to just cry. I felt somehow 'cleansed' after...and i am grateful i had my husband there to just hold me. I asked him later how he knew i was sad and needed him - the tears didn't start until that moment he touched me. He just wanted to be close to me -- well: I needed him, and was so grateful for that touch - it was all I needed to let my emotions finally come out! See - I have been trying to have another baby...most of my friends know this - and its good to be able to have people to talk to about it, but...what i can't seem to be able to effectively communicate, even to myself...is that i ache to have another child. I want to say 'its not fair, this is such a good thing to desire, why won't You give this to me?' - I tell myself often, that if all i ever have is Jonah, then i'm nothing but grateful - he's more than i thought, at times, i would ever have. But...all my life, i have wanted a big family - being a mother has been my greatest heart's desire for as long as I can remember. And, though I am grateful to the depths of my heart for having one amazing little boy...I really want to have more. I want to carry another baby, I want to name another child, nurse another infant, and experience all the joys and difficulties of another newborn, toddler, etc...and i'm so afraid its not going to happen. I so badly want to have another baby. I try to trust God that He knows what's best - and I will, of course, be able to handle whatever He decides, with His help, but...I beg Him daily: please, God, let me have another baby. I don't feel like I'm done bearing children yet...I fear sometimes I am - but I believe He can give me a miracle. This is another plea, Lord - Please give me another baby of my own...You have blessed me beyond measure with Jonah - I want him to have a sibiling. I want him to have 3 siblings, but...please, at least just 1...I beg You...

vague-ness

I think I will acknowledge (to myself) that vague-ness typically drives me crazy. when people say something in a status on facebook, for example, that sounds very personal, and insinuates that people will know what he/she is talking about, when in reality, they are fishing for comments...or people sound like they're really 'letting you in', but are not giving enough details to make you feel like you're actually sure of what's going on, but not giving you opportunity to ask...or just never getting quite 'deep enough' in a relationship, even though conversations and time spent together is frequent. i have a very high expectation for my relationships, i think. i have experienced true and meaningful friendship, and surface relationships just don't cut it for me. i feel like i'm always analyzing my relationships, trying to figure out who is worth my time. not in a mean way, but...with a husband who works shift work, and a busy toddler, and 2 nights out a week with church things...i want to be spending what time i DO spend with people, to be people that are worth my time. i am a person who is typically genuinely interested in other people's lives. when i ask questions, i actually want to know the answers. when you pour out your heart to me, i love that...because it is the deepening of a relationship. however...i am not always good at being the one to 'pour out'. and its not because i don't have anything to say. its because not everyone asks - and when they do, i find myself gauging how much time i have to answer, and how interested they really are, because often i can be interrupted by listening, once again, to what the other person has to say. it can be my own fault. i know this about myself. i have a few people in my life, who are good to ask me questions, and loving enough to wait for the answers and dig a little deeper into my life. i have so much to say. i have so much on my heart...be prepared to get an earful if you ever ask and actually give me the time to share my heart.

that sounded like a rant. its not really. just a little explanation about me. which is why i'm not a good blogger - i don't know my 'audience' - and i fear what people will think, or if they will think i'm not being authentic...or that i'm painting my life to look a certain way...people generally write about the good things...i'm not good at sharing the 'bad things', anyways...but it doesn't mean i don't have difficult things in my life i am dealing with. so - for now...i'll keep it a little 'vague'. afterall, its my blog. and as far as i know, i'm the only one who knows about it.

Hello Fall!

So, i think its safe to say summer is officially over. what a weird beginning to September, though! We got back from Maine thinking our beach days would be long gone, but...alas - we had the hottest days of summer in September! crazy. then Earl came and took the summer with him. Fine with me, i guess...i truly love the Fall. i love the cooking - i love wearing sweatshirts and jeans, i love the fresh, local veggies (NOT from MY garden, mind you!) - though i have gotten a handful - and i do mean 'handful' - of tomatoes from my own little backyard garden...Jonah gobbled one up straight from the garden this morning...and i'm accepting the fact that i probably won't be harvesting much else from that sad little garden this year. There's always next year, right?!

We had such a great summer -- the theme everyone keeps saying is how busy it was. and i agree -- but it was good. i feel so fortunate to not have to spend my days working...for the most part, i get to be a wife and mama - and the few hours i work, are the few hours LESS i will be spending worrying about money...not that i don't worry about money - i think that will be a life-long battle for us, but...i'd rather make a little cash for those hours i would otherwise be spending worrying. so - its worth it right now for me to work my 8 hours a week. i think it really does affect Jonah, though, even just having me gone for a few hours. though, since we've gotten back from Maine, he's been sleeping in 'til almost 10:00 every morning, so he's not really missing that much time with me, since i get home at noon!!

And I will say, I am enjoying Jonah more and more. I love the age he's at right now -- almost 2 and a half! I can hardly believe he's that old! He's so much fun - quite a little character - a very happy, fun kid. He loves to laugh (go figure!) - and loves to make other people laugh. He gets that from the Bredins, I'm quite certain! Still a great little sleeper and a great eater - i feel very fortunate we don't battle with him about those two things - i know it is a struggle for some parents.

We're starting to help out with our church's youth group this year. Kinda scary a little bit -- its been 8 years since i've been a youth leader -- and MUCH has changed in my life since then. not that i was ever 'cool', but...i am certainly not possessing that 'cool-ness' factor right now...so, thinking about getting involved in teenagers' lives again is a bit intimidating. but - i'm excited, too! we're hoping to really have a community 'outreach' - there's a lot of kids in our town with nothing to do, so we're excited to see what God's going to do this year, and who He will bring out!

And...this is just an update. Still blogging for my eyes only. not sure if i will ever make this public, but for now, its just a little documentation of my thoughts...

jam makin'

I don't know why I never made jam before this summer. It is really, truly, one of my favorite things to eat: toast and jam. yuuuum!!! The process sort of intimidated me, but I got brave at the beginning of the summer, and have become a little jam-makin' machine...we have gone through....more jam than is right or healthy this summer, but...we love it!! Today's concoction was peach-blueberry...mostly because i didn't have enough peaches, but...i am excited to try it once it cools down! i did have a little bit on some ice cream, and...it did not disappoint...so - our late-night snack tonight will consist of fresh bagels and home-made jam.

Dinner, on the other hand...i find myself struggling MOST of the summer as to what to make. this summer our meals and schedule have been all over the place...not having any consistency for meals or routine...so, there is a small part of me that is looking forward to FALL...my favorite time of the year, anyways...and one where hopefully we can implement some sort of sanity into our daily lives. whatever that means.

We are heading to Maine in 2 days to see the fam...its been over a year and a half since we've seen everyone! I'm excited to see everyone, and for Jonah to meet his American family!! He is at such a fun age, and is so easily endeared to people who pay attention to him! I'm looking forward to it! Now, i'll see what i can come up with for supper, since we will, in fact, all be here tonight to eat together!

summer days

I love summer days. I love all the visits we get from people 'from away'. I was thinking this morning, how really blessed i am. i will have seen 4 of my 7 closest girlfriends from Bible school by the time this summer is through. that's pretty neat...and seeing each other's kids and being able to pick up where we leave off...what a blessing old friends are. and what a blessing to live in such a beautiful little island, with any number of beaches to choose from and drive to and see such BEAUTY. Jonah LOVES the beach - he is a true Island boy. just up for anything. i love that about him. he's so easy to lug around, and he loves going places and meeting new people. I debate sometimes whether he should miss a nap, whether we'll get back too late, whether he should sleep in his own bed, or we should put him in the pack-n-play at someone else's house...and he's really so adaptable...i feel very fortunate that we can cart him around so easily and he will go to bed so well at someone else's house. today, i am working, and this will be the first time i have had to pay someone else to look after him. between mom and Erin, and Jason when I'm working, we've been very fortunate that we don't pay someone to babysit. i don't mind paying someone to look after my kid -- he's worth it, for sure, but...i think i am realizing how lucky i am to have family close-by who love my kid and love spending time with him. and i wouldn't want to PAY someone else to look after him while i go off and work. i am happy i have a job that i don't have to work very much, and that i get to spend most of my time raising my little boy. its important to me. and, man, i love that kid. he is really so enjoyable to be around - he's so happy and funny, and just my dearest joy. well - i will be honest - Jason is really my dearest joy...and jonah is a close second. i would not be who i am without these two boys in my life. i love them with all my heart.

rainy summer days

I'm actually a little bit thankful today is rainy. i hate to complain about the heat, 'cause our summers are so stinkin' short, but...today is a nice change of pace. i cleaned all of my floors this morning, and now...i am relaxing a bit while the babe is napping. i do not love mopping, but - I do LOVE knowing my floors are CLEAN. especially today, 'cause i have been very ANGRY at all the little ANTS crawling across my floor the last few days. and since i've mopped, i haven't seen ONE! now, i'm not naive to think they won't be back...but for now, its nice to not see those gross little fella's running across my kitchen floor.

and its been a long time coming, too. we've been traipsing in and out of this house, tracking all kinds of dirt, grass, and who knows what else along with us. and we've had lots of other people doing it too. which i love, but - for today, i'm loving the fresh smell of Pine Sol roaming around in my house. the weekend was crazy. there were 10 people besides us staying in our (tiny) little home (thankfully some of them were sleeping out in a camper trailer in our driveway) - and it was a WET, MUDDY weekend. i can attest to that, because i was out in the pouring rain, muddy, muddy field, along with the rest of our guests at the Cavendish Music Festival this past weekend!! awww, yeah!!! we volunteered with them to sell ice cream - mostly so we could score free tickets to the Lady Antebellum concert! And it was awesome!! totally worth the sopping wet clothes and muddy feet. We love them - we love country music...and it was an easy day's work - listening to all those country bands having the time of their lives in the sheets of rain on our beautiful little Island.

and now...i have a bit more relaxing to do before my babe wakes from his nap. he climbed out of his bed for the first time this week. yikes. so - i'm really hoping he will continue to sleep like the good little sleeper he's been his whole life so far...this mama need that wee little break in the middle of the day to re-coupe.

i sometimes wonder why i'm even writing a blog. no-one else knows about it besides me. but, for now that's the way i want it. bye for now....self.! :)

wish i was home

so. i wish i was home right now. i'm working - and i know my baby is asleep, and my hubby is working, and my work is only for 2 more hours, and i really should just suck it up. but - i wish i was home. we've had a super busy, fun week - and jonah is a real trooper - but this morning, it was like it all caught up with him - with both of us. we just snuggled on the couch, sat inches away from each other while we ate our french toast for breakfast, and we just had to be close. just us. we've had family visiting, and have been running the roads, soaking in the sun, and having the best of summer days...but being home this morning was so....nice. i forget in the busy-ness of summer how nice those rare moments are when you're just home. so - a Saturday evening at home is looking pretty exciting to me right now. and it looks like its gonna rain. and i hope it does. i have a guilt complex - about most things. i don't know why. when its sunny and i'm inside, i feel guilty. so - i hope it rains - i hope it pours. and me and my baby boy are gonna love it. we may possibly have to take a quick jaunt to the store so we don't starve, but...after that...we're in for the night. and i can't wait.

be happy

i heard it said that the mark of true friendship is being able to share secret joys, not just secrets sorrows. i think its true. why is it easier to share your woes with someone? to complain to anyone who will listen to you? and why is it more difficult to tell someone when something really amazing happens? seems ridiculous, really. but, yet its true, i think. its like i 'downplay' the good things in my life, 'cause i don't want to be judged, or don't want anyone questioning my motives, or making me feel bad for being so...'lucky'?! why is that? i told someone the other day about a good thing in my life (a material thing, but...still...) - and this person was like 'oooooh, that must be nice...we only got a....' i purposely said the good thing to try to prove this person wrong - to give them the benefit of the doubt, but...nope - they gave me just what i was expecting. making me feel bad for a good thing. when the truth of the matter is, the 'good things' in our life these days, are the very small and simple things: being able to buy a new yummy smelling shampoo, or picking out a new laundry soap - picking out a box of crackers or cereal seems like such a treat sometimes. and, i guess i'm glad for the simple things, 'cause when the bigger things happen, they seem extra special for us. however...feeling like i have to keep them to myself isn't always fun. i think its the sharing of the good things that make them even better. i'm thankful to have a few people in my life who do share my secret joys...and hope that my focus can be on that blessing rather than the people who sour that sweet taste of joy and goodness.

getting started

i used to have a blog. before facebook, i feel like a lot of people had blogs -- it was the 'new' thing. and, now...facebook is the 'new' thing (well - i think its actually getting to be a bit 'old' at this point), but - anyways...i miss reading people's blogs. catching little glimpses into the lives of people i may not otherwise see or hear about. i have alot of friends who don't live nearby, and i wish that wasn't the case, but - modern technology allows at least a bit of an idea of what their lives are like, and i'm thankful for that - but...its just not the same. however. i think i'll try my hand at blogging again - even if just for my own thoughts to get a release. i was always a journaler, but lately (as in the past 8 years or so!), i rarely seem to sit down and write. i blame my husband for that. in a good way. rather than unloading my thoughts into oblivion, he usually is my sounding board, and i think that's a good thing. but, i still miss writing. so - i'm giving this a try. i struggle a bit with blogging, not knowing who (if anyone) will be reading my thoughts. i'm not good at being transparent, knowing there could be various people, with varying relationships with me, reading...i fear judgment, i fear not being true and authentic...which is certainly something to consider in an age where you can basically present your life any way you want to on the internet, editing out the parts that aren't so nice, perhaps glamorizing the things that in reality are a bit mundane, but...nonetheless. here i am. i'm a blogger. putting my thoughts out into cyberspace. let's see how this goes.