my boy

I have spent a good part of the evening looking at old pictures of my baby...I can hardly believe the emotions it wells up inside me...for many reasons. He is growing up so fast - almost 2 and a half -- and everyone says how fast time goes - and i believed them, but -- my word - this is ridiculous! I've really honestly always tried to savor each day with him - not knowing if I'll be blessed enough with another child, I've really tried to enjoy each little stage, not wishing time away...but...I MISS all those little stages. don't get me wrong: I LOVE the stage he's in right now: I love watching him learn new things and new words every day - and it really does seem like every day lately brings something new, its crazy! I love seeing his personality develop, and understanding who he is - I feel like I know him so well. We always say how different he is when its just the 3 of us together. He is getting more and more confident and comfortable, though - letting others into his little world! It doesn't take much to win his affections - he's a pretty social, happy little guy! He loves to laugh - loves making other people laugh...I feel so blessed that our home is filled with so much laughter!! It is not filled with many tears. I don't know why, but - it had been such a long time since i had cried...until a few days ago. And what a release it was to just cry. I felt somehow 'cleansed' after...and i am grateful i had my husband there to just hold me. I asked him later how he knew i was sad and needed him - the tears didn't start until that moment he touched me. He just wanted to be close to me -- well: I needed him, and was so grateful for that touch - it was all I needed to let my emotions finally come out! See - I have been trying to have another baby...most of my friends know this - and its good to be able to have people to talk to about it, but...what i can't seem to be able to effectively communicate, even to myself...is that i ache to have another child. I want to say 'its not fair, this is such a good thing to desire, why won't You give this to me?' - I tell myself often, that if all i ever have is Jonah, then i'm nothing but grateful - he's more than i thought, at times, i would ever have. But...all my life, i have wanted a big family - being a mother has been my greatest heart's desire for as long as I can remember. And, though I am grateful to the depths of my heart for having one amazing little boy...I really want to have more. I want to carry another baby, I want to name another child, nurse another infant, and experience all the joys and difficulties of another newborn, toddler, etc...and i'm so afraid its not going to happen. I so badly want to have another baby. I try to trust God that He knows what's best - and I will, of course, be able to handle whatever He decides, with His help, but...I beg Him daily: please, God, let me have another baby. I don't feel like I'm done bearing children yet...I fear sometimes I am - but I believe He can give me a miracle. This is another plea, Lord - Please give me another baby of my own...You have blessed me beyond measure with Jonah - I want him to have a sibiling. I want him to have 3 siblings, but...please, at least just 1...I beg You...