worship

I love Jesus Culture...if I could sing like anyone, I'd probably sing like Kim Walker.  That girl can sing, oh my word.  I was listening this morning to them sing You Won't Relent, and the phrase that stuck out to me...

"I don't wanna talk about You, like You're not in the room.

Wanna look right at You, wanna sing right to You..."

 



I was thinking how odd it would be to sit in a room with a bunch of people...and talk about one of the people sitting there with you.  To go on and on about that person, describing them, how you feel about them, what they've done for you and what they mean to you...with them sitting right there listening...like they're not there...instead of talking to that person. 

 

I know Jesus is different...there are times we talk about Him and times we talk to Him.  But I was thinking how much more it seems to actually BE worship when you're directing your thoughts, words, music, actions, whatever...TO HIM.  I'm not trying to think of something new and profound to say about this...just have been thinking about it for the past hour...and wanted to write it down...so I think about it and remember.   

My man

So...Jay. Is not, by nature, a fighter. Which I love...but also it makes me crazy sometimes...because I...am ALSO not a fighter by nature...but sometimes I get worked up...I get analytical and introspective, and beat myself up, and criticize others, and get discouraged and disappointed...and I want him to join me and get riled up and fight and rant and join my side...or fight me and let me 'win', depending on the situation that is riling me up.  But the truth is...when I push him, and press those buttons...and get him to the point of 'fight'...I hate it...I hate that I push that guy sometimes and make him be someone he's not and upset him and try to 'convince him' of whatever my point of view is...because...in ways...I'm a better fighter. But in other ways...he is. 'cause he's more level-headed...less led by emotions...which at times is not good...but...at times it is...because he's often...usually...led by his convictions...by what he feels is right and godly and 'others-led'. 

Like...church.  For so so so long...church has been such a conflict...such a source of discouragement and dissention and anger and hurt and disloyalty and stress and disunity and frustration...and...we have gone through major, major...MAJOR change over the past couple years...and especially the past year. It has been rough, rough going, to say the least.  I have experienced incredible anxiety and distress on so many Sundays over the past year especially...there have been more times than I can count, that I thought we were done.  Like, REALLY thought we were done.  And yet...we keep showing up.  Like suckers for punishment.  Or...people not yet ready to give up.  I don't know.  I struggle with the idea that maybe we're just stubborn...hanging on when almost everyone else has walked away...and I do mean almost everyone.  When we first started going to our church the summer of 2005...over 8 years ago...it was thriving! Over 300 people, busting out the seams of the little country church building they were meeting in...people driving from all across the Island and even from New Brunswick...just to come to church...there was a buzz about it...it was growing...it was ministering to broken people, our pastors were united and a power-house team of spreading love and grace...people loved our church...it was definitely bringing hope to people who were jaded and cynical, and showing grace and redemption to people who hadn't experienced either. 

And without going into it all again...hashing it all out...here we are now.  Not quite 30 people.  We have lost MOST of our congregation...most of our leadership...most of our teens and kids...most of our families...both of our pastors...our name, our building, our location...and we are...bare bones, really.  Almost everyone who has made church 'church'...are gone...either to other churches, other provinces...or no church at all.  And we....remain.  Not without conflict...not without sadness and the lure of the 'grass is greener on the other side'....for me, anyways.  There are a couple of churches I know of that many of our people have gone to...some of them happy and settled...others still not quite there...and I wanna 'test it out'...see if I might be 'happier' somewhere else.  I kinda wanna just show up and be ministered 'to'...too.  I've spoken to many who used to come to church with us...who are now needing to go to church to 'rest' and just show up and not have to do anything, or talk to anyone or connect or get involved...and I GET THAT.  I kinda want that too.  But...

I have this husband...who is convicted that that is not what we should do.  He continues to show up to the youth group he's been a leader of for the past number of years, even though all but one other leader has left...when a few years ago there were over 10 leaders...and sometimes close to 40 kids...and this past week they doubled their group of kids from the two weeks prior...and had 8.  But...he's not discouraged...because he sees the opportunity to love these kids...to show them they matter, even if they aren't necessarily the 'cool kids'...to continue to play games and give them a devotion about Jesus and encourage them and love them and give them a snack...because those 8 kids love going...and they need to know they matter.  And he is good at making the 'unimportant' people feel important.  He does it every day at his job...he loves those people who sometimes can't communicate even a word to him...who can't give anything back, who certainly don't draw a crowd or have much to offer...but he shows up...looking for ways to love and encourage, even if they aren't the 'coolest'...even if its not a lucrative job with very good hours...because its an opportunity to show these people that someone cares...even if he is 'just a bus driver'.  He's much more than that...

And he continues to show leadership in our little congregation...continues to show up and encourage and minister...and show the people remaining...that he hasn't given up on them.  Which is important.  There's a part of me that wants to leave and move on to bigger and better things...and I resent a tiny bit, honestly...that many of my family and friends have done that...all for various reasons...I want that freedom a little bit, too, honestly.  But...I am challenged, too...by my husband...and his conviction to show up and give and minister and encourage, no matter if there's 300 or 30...because those 30 people...call that place home...even though the face of church has changed, our name has changed...we have...almost nothing, by comparison to what most churches have...but...there are 30 people who we love...who need to feel important and cared for...and that the idea of these people who are left, want to love the community around us...want to learn more about Jesus and how to show that love to others...even if we don't look like your typical church...even if we can't afford a pastor right now and our Sunday School consists of three or four kids...I want to be part of something where I am valued, where I can show up and have opportunity and be challenged to give of myself, and not just show up and expect to be 'fed'...I am glad that I have a husband who is different than I am...and that his example and leadership and loyalty and perseverance is not as flighty or selfish as mine.  I need that challenge.  I may have almost walked away a hundred times...and I don't know for certain what the future holds for us...but...for now...I am thankful to have a husband like I do...that man...drives me crazy sometimes.  Absolutely.  But...I have utmost respect for him, and am challenged daily by his ability and desire to minister to others...Not to say he doesn't need ME, as well...my high-and-low emotions and my flighty convictions and commitment...must have a place there too...right???

But. Its all grace.  it is really ALL grace.  That God just continues to pour His goodness and grace over me...despite my lack of commitment and my lack of vision and heart for others at times...that He lets me serve Him and experience Him...and be blessed by the kindness and love and encouragement...of so many...and...that I see HIM more clearly in the presence of some of the people He has placed in my life...and right now...I see His heart through seeing my husband...because Jesus...loves ME like I am the most important soul in the world...He pursues me and gives grace to ME and mercy to ME every morning...He gives me joy when I don't expect it...He offers me forgiveness and another chance to try again when I fail Him...He lets me read His Word and be spoken to even when I often, often fail to look there to hear from Him...He lets me SPEAK to Him...He lets me cry out to Him on the behalf of others who I love and hurt for so desperately...and He shows me that His care and compassion is far greater than mine...and He shows me His goodness and His love for me when He has chosen to let me be the recipient of such love and kindness from others...He has not forgotten me...I have been so unlovable...and He has never, for a moment, stopped loving me...or stopped showing up for me even though I have stopped looking for Him to show up...even in a tiny little congregation...its like I think He's forgotten us...or that He is meeting in some other churches' congregations, but maybe not in ours, because so many others have left...like I think perhaps we're the fools who keep showing up...and for what????

But...its not really, actually...about me. Or how I feel.  Or how Jason feels, either, for that matter.  But...his heart, his conviction...the wisdom I see in him from Him...I am grateful for.  And as I anticipate church tomorrow morning...I want to go looking to meet with Him...looking for ways to allow Him to shine through me...to look to the hearts of the other ones who show up...and how I can love them and encourage them...and try not to feel discouraged by who doesn't show up...but to be encouraged by who does.

Wow. There's a few unedited ramblings I may or may not regret posting. But...its my blog. And how I am processing thoughts these days it seems.  Others of you reading...probably checked out several paragraphs ago...I wouldn't blame you. 

Anyways.  That's all for now.  This man I love...is sound asleep on the couch beside me...so I think we should head up to our comfy bed and get some rest after a busy family day celebrating Thanksgiving. The hike through the woods and the turkey and activity...is definitely causing me some sleepiness even though its only 10:30...

A good day.  A good 24 hours, filled with goodness and things to be thankful for.  I have much, much, much to be thankful for.  I was taking note of some of it tonight...and reminded of the importance of actually 'counting your blessings'...which is why it is important to be intentional about recognizing the gifts. Something I fail to do too often. But...tonight.  I'm grateful to have a husband who loves the Lord, who loves his family, and loves the world around him. 

on writing

I've mentioned before that I don't claim to be a 'writer', or even a real blogger, for that matter...I have a blog, but...mostly 'cause it seems to be easier for me to write thoughts down here than to comfortably find a pen and write down on one of the many journals I have lying around here. I'm not sure why, 'cause I do actually enjoy the art of actually 'writing', rather than typing. But...I am concluding that, either way, I need to write. On paper, on computer...on random little pieces of paper...its how I process...how I remember.  As I am watching my boys develop their little personalities and figuring out what makes them tick, what works or doesn't work to teach them or discipline them...I reflect on my own style of learning and being disciplined...

I was never an over-achiever academically, that is for sure.  I was more interested in the social side of things.  And I used to feel 'less-than' when report cards came out, or exam grades came in, because my grades were...certainly 'less than'.  But I do wonder if it was just the style of learning, and the fact that I had to be good at memorizing...and I was for the most part, 'lecture' taught....I am a visual learner.  I have to see something if its going to sink in to my brain.  Which is why I always loved writing papers in school...it was about the only thing I enjoyed academically...the opinion ones more than the research ones, mind you...but still: writing. It helped me learn, it helped me process. 

And I have been neglecting this art of writing lately.  On purpose, in some ways...as I feel there is a lot going on in the world around me...that really does need processing...but instead of processing...all the thoughts and feelings and sadness and anxiety and emotion of it all...just keeps swimming around in my head and heart...occasionally showing itself in tangible ways...but mostly just swimming around...and lately it seems when the thoughts come to the surface...they are coming out in frustration...not at all aimed toward the cause of frustration...but at my little boys.  Who don't seem to know how to be quiet when I need silence, or stop running around and being crazy when I need stillness. 

But...its actually not their fault. 

Not their fault that there is stress and sadness and sickness and heart-ache in the lives of so many that their Mama loves...and I internalize it all, and don't know how to not be able to do anything about most of it...and when I snap, and can't keep it all in or hold myself together...they are there...being the unfortunate recipient of said emotion and frustration...

And they are gracious, and forgiving and love their Mama despite it all.  Its humbling, really.  But, not fair.

So. I need to write...I'm not really the type to pour my heart and soul out onto a public blog, but...sometimes its not just pouring my heart and soul out...its recognizing and taking note of the little things...the sweet boys I get to raise and their adorable and peculiar and hilarious shenanigans...and food, and the great joy I seem to get out of making it and sharing it with my family...and pictures...and songs...and whatever else I feel like I need to write about to just...get it out!!! To notice, to be a little 'One Thousand Gifts' from time to time...I need it.

So...little blog...you need some more action.  And you're about to get it.

This day, for the record...is gorgeous.  Breezy and sunny and perfect...exactly as Fall should be.