on writing

I've mentioned before that I don't claim to be a 'writer', or even a real blogger, for that matter...I have a blog, but...mostly 'cause it seems to be easier for me to write thoughts down here than to comfortably find a pen and write down on one of the many journals I have lying around here. I'm not sure why, 'cause I do actually enjoy the art of actually 'writing', rather than typing. But...I am concluding that, either way, I need to write. On paper, on computer...on random little pieces of paper...its how I process...how I remember.  As I am watching my boys develop their little personalities and figuring out what makes them tick, what works or doesn't work to teach them or discipline them...I reflect on my own style of learning and being disciplined...

I was never an over-achiever academically, that is for sure.  I was more interested in the social side of things.  And I used to feel 'less-than' when report cards came out, or exam grades came in, because my grades were...certainly 'less than'.  But I do wonder if it was just the style of learning, and the fact that I had to be good at memorizing...and I was for the most part, 'lecture' taught....I am a visual learner.  I have to see something if its going to sink in to my brain.  Which is why I always loved writing papers in school...it was about the only thing I enjoyed academically...the opinion ones more than the research ones, mind you...but still: writing. It helped me learn, it helped me process. 

And I have been neglecting this art of writing lately.  On purpose, in some ways...as I feel there is a lot going on in the world around me...that really does need processing...but instead of processing...all the thoughts and feelings and sadness and anxiety and emotion of it all...just keeps swimming around in my head and heart...occasionally showing itself in tangible ways...but mostly just swimming around...and lately it seems when the thoughts come to the surface...they are coming out in frustration...not at all aimed toward the cause of frustration...but at my little boys.  Who don't seem to know how to be quiet when I need silence, or stop running around and being crazy when I need stillness. 

But...its actually not their fault. 

Not their fault that there is stress and sadness and sickness and heart-ache in the lives of so many that their Mama loves...and I internalize it all, and don't know how to not be able to do anything about most of it...and when I snap, and can't keep it all in or hold myself together...they are there...being the unfortunate recipient of said emotion and frustration...

And they are gracious, and forgiving and love their Mama despite it all.  Its humbling, really.  But, not fair.

So. I need to write...I'm not really the type to pour my heart and soul out onto a public blog, but...sometimes its not just pouring my heart and soul out...its recognizing and taking note of the little things...the sweet boys I get to raise and their adorable and peculiar and hilarious shenanigans...and food, and the great joy I seem to get out of making it and sharing it with my family...and pictures...and songs...and whatever else I feel like I need to write about to just...get it out!!! To notice, to be a little 'One Thousand Gifts' from time to time...I need it.

So...little blog...you need some more action.  And you're about to get it.

This day, for the record...is gorgeous.  Breezy and sunny and perfect...exactly as Fall should be.