Invisible Buckets...

So....I think besides MISSING Jonah every day...the thing that is so weird about him being in kindergarten...is just imagining him spending all those hours away from me...sitting in his little class, building relationships, doing stuff...without me there to interfere...control him...discipline...observe and perhaps offer advice if need be!! I sometimes fear I am 'on him' too much...not always knowing that balance between shaping him and adjusting his behavior as needed...and just letting him be...him. 

He's always been really good at communicating his thoughts and feelings...and he's much more detail-oriented than I may have expected, considering who his Mama is...but, I love hearing him tell me things about his day...some of it prompted by me while he eats his snack after he gets off the bus...and little bits and pieces intersected within other 'less pointed' conversations...

He's been telling us about who he plays with at recess and who he sits with in his class...I try to encourage him to ask people questions...and especially their names so we can know a little more...and simply because its polite!

He has been hanging around with a little kid...we're pretty sure his name is Drew.  Drew asked Jonah to sit with him the other day, and it seems they have been buddies every since...he says Drew calls him 'friend' instead of 'Jonah.' Which seems very cute to me.  He says they laugh and play at recess and sit by each other in their classroom.

But today he told me his teacher said they can't sit by each other anymore, 'cause "they act too crazy."

Yikes.

He said they didn't get in trouble...and assures me his teacher never got mad at them...

But I just got to thinking...about how much of his day I can't observe...I can't be there to make sure he's acting the way he should act...I can't prevent anything from happening before it happens (like Mama's seem often, to be able to do!)...I can't discipline him after he's done something he shouldn't have...I can't tell him to stop throwing dirt at a kid who just threw sand in his eyes...even though all he did was throw dirt on the other kids' jacket...I can't make him eat the carrots I send in his lunch...I can't pick his friends, or tell him where to sit...I can't offer suggestions about what he should do at recess...

And I've really purposely not been a super structured, hyper controlling mother for his first five years of life...but I have tried really hard, to shape his character, to teach him to listen and be respectful and kind...and have taught him so much about Jesus love for him and how that love changes us and shows others that He is good...

And now all I can do is trust that while he is not under my watchful eye...he is still developing into the little person God has created him to be, and continue to do all I can when he is with me.

On the way in to pick up Jay from work...Jonah was in the back seat, trying to get me to turn around and look at the bucket he had on his lap.  I kept saying "I know you don't have a bucket on you, Jonah...I can't turn around while I'm driving..." But he kept insisting.

Then he says "its invisible."

Which triggers a memory of something he mentioned the other day about his teacher talking about how they each have buckets.  He may have missed some details about how to fill up these buckets...but, basically he was connecting that a full bucket is when you're happy and an empty bucket is when you're not...and little things happen that either fill or empty your bucket.

So, as I convey my understanding...He tells me his bucket got a little bit empty when he wasn't allowed to sit with Drew at circle time.

His first of many drops out of a full bucket...and I wasn't there.

I do hate that a little bit. 

But I do love to see how already...in just a few days...he has experienced such joy and such independence and had so much fun learning new things...and I am so proud of that little boy...and grateful even more, that I get to be his Mama...and that I can spend time with both my boys...and consider it a great great privilege and blessing to be raising them...

Increasingly so...I am a happy little Mama.  The seven hours a day that I now DON'T get to spend with Jonah...make me so much more grateful for the remaining 6 that I do.