always wrestling

I wish this post title was the Segway into a cute little story about my cute little boys doing cute little boy wrestling moves. But -- its about me. and my mind. that is always. always. wrestling.


I am always in conflict - wrestling - in my mind and heart - between how I actually, genuinely feel and act or react...and the way I know I should feel or act or react. I tend to do/feel/act how I should, and 'pep-talk' myself often, or reprimand myself for feeling 'less than' I ought. Its exhausting. 


Truth is...I'm discouraged. I try to be so hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of having a third child...I know I am beyond blessed that I even have two...but for as long as I can remember...ALL I have wanted...is to be a Mom. I always looked up to my own Mom, who made the choice to stay home with us...and I knew I wanted to do the same. For as long as I can remember...this is what I've wanted. I knew at some point in my adulthood, before I got married, that it would likely be difficult for me to get pregnant, having very infrequent periods. But it was a blessing, in some ways -- no periods? Sorta great... But then when I got married and started wanting to have babies...the never having periods thing...wasn't so awesome anymore.  Before we were even married two years, I started seeing a doctor in New York about my fertility issues. And when we moved to PEI just shortly after our 2nd anniversary, I waited to see Dr. Brodie, the one fertility doctor on PEI.  We were married 5 years when we had Jonah.  In hindsight, I love that we had that much time together, living 'care-free' and enjoying each other...so much life happened, just the two of us. And I love that. But having somewhere in your heart, your deepest desires - to become a Mom - not being met...for so many years...and so many months of disappointment...that is not an easy thing to go through. Something hard to explain, really...a deep sorrow and grief even I can't really find words for. So - when I finally got pregnant and had Jonah - the joy - and relief...was unfathomable. A healthy, happy, sweet and perfect baby boy. And I imagined that getting pregnant a second time would be easier....like perhaps my body would 'right itself.' So...the discouragement that came with almost two years of trying for a second baby...surprised me again...I am naively hopefully oftentimes...like, I know its a 'good thing' to desire to have a baby...and I love God, and live my life (mostly) for Him...like I expect that I should then get my hearts desire. How many times do we say that verse "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart"....like that prosperity gospel idea, sort of. Or we reprimand ourselves for not having enough faith, or not trusting God enough. Oh my soul -- if I had the energy to divulge every thought I've had in my struggles with infertility....you'd be alarmed. one moment positive and hopeful, the next at the depths of despair...


So, here we are. "Hoping" for a third child. The almost constant mental and emotional effort, not to mention the financial and the physical...a daily, conscious effort - emotional highs and lows, of charting temperatures, taking vitamins, getting bloodwork, waiting for results, taking pills on these days -- taking more pills at these times on these days...and even more pills...waiting....waiting again....more bloodwork....waiting to see if I ovulated, waiting to see if i'll get my period, being terrified at every twinge in my abdomen, if it means I'll get my period...every time I pee, wondering if I'll see blood...praying - begging God, that the medicine will work, and begging Him that I will ovulate...and then begging Him that I won't get another period...seeing my nurse - charting any and every little change in my body...and squeezing in one last doctor visit in there...oh -- did I mention...the ONE Fertility doctor on PEI....just left. I had my last appointment with her last week. She won't be replaced. As if the process wasn't complicated enough. Now I don't even have a doctor. Oh yeah....and sex. The actual thing necessary to even get pregnant. Though it doesn't feel like that sometimes...its so conscious, everything is so planned, so calculated...


Its discouraging.  And when I don't get pregnant...I have moments where I forget to feel what I should feel....and I let myself feel how I actually feel. And its almost unbearable. The sorrow and shame, even...that my body does not do...what it is supposed to do. some people have sex...on a fluke, even...maybe unprotected one time....and they get a baby.


And I really, truly -- don't resent the people in my life who get pregnant effortlessly...its not that. Its the frustration and shame that I can't. The knowledge that I cannot have babies without medical help. And even then....


I'm 37.  The idea that I will have a large family...is not so realistic anymore. And I berate myself for feeling discouraged about that...when I know people who don't even have ANY children of their own...and I have the two CUTEST, best boys. in the world. I do.


But...the heart wants what the heart wants. right????


ha. And me???  I want another baby. My little sister is pregnant - I have hoped for the last several years - once I realized she had finally fallen in love!! - that we would have babies at the same time...- and one of my best friends is pregnant (and to date, both of our pregnancies have been at the same time, months apart.) -- I feel like I was surprised when on the 40th freaking day of my cycle...that big fat ugly - sign showed up on the friggin pregnancy test. 40 days. come on.


I write, because it helps a little....to record my discouragement, somehow helps. because most of the time I MAKE myself be positive and hopeful and trying to trust God...and then there's times I question whether or not I can even handle another kid....I have so many days of frustration with the two I have...I think God must not think I can handle another one. And if that's true...I just am begging God to let me know, so I don't have to keep trying, so I don't have to keep doing this 'hoping' thing that is so unbelievably consuming and emotionally draining....pumping hormones into my body that alter my moods but don't alter my womb.


anyways. I will plod on. because I don't feel 'done'. I dread the moment when I know I am....I like to believe I'm still 26 and have many years ahead of me that I can hope for a house full of kids. I wish it was up to me. But...none of life really is, is it??? we make our plans...we do our best to see those plans fulfilled. But in the end...are we really in control????


no. we aren't. I look at people sometimes and wonder why the things they set their minds to...actually happen. I look at people with ambition, who meet goal after goal...get the jobs they want, the houses they want, the kids they want...or don't....who knows how people really actually feel??? 'cause we're always spinning people, really, aren't we??? its so ridiculous. And I'm not really a super pessimistic person, to be honest...but sometimes...ya just feel what ya feel. and so you write it out...not really for anyone else's benefit so much as for your own...and you question a little bit, whether or not you should even hit the 'publish' button...but then you think 'why not? everyone else does.'


and hopefully moments from now...the 'therapy' of writing will do its thing...and I will feel how I 'should' once again.