secondary infertility...third baby infertility...

...so I didn't really know there was a term for it...I don't know why...'secondary infertility'...and I guess 'third baby infertility'...just plain ol' 'infertility'...however you call it...its all the same...yet very different, at the same time. I've never really read a lot of blogs, to be honest...I have a bit of a gift of discernment and reading between the lines that can also easily become a tendency toward judgementalism, envy, woe-is-me, I am no good at mothering, being a wife, crafting, home-making, writing...anything...if I read too much about other people's lives...I wind up being discontent with my own sometimes, for how life can often be portrayed, when you only see a small percentage...the part people write about or share publicly for all the world to see.




But lately I have been reading a few infertility blogs. I don't know why I never did before. It has made me feel not quite so alone. I have had several friends over the years who have struggled with infertility, or have taken a little longer than they would have liked to get pregnant. All but three of these friends have had at least one baby. And I haven't ever really known quite how to articulate how I feel, now...trying for a third, so far unsuccessfully. Reading this blog yesterday helped a little. And I read a few others, too, that verified the feelings I have.


I do feel incredibly blessed to have Jonah and Levi...I knew since high school that it would likely be difficult for me to get pregnant. All I can ever remember wanting to be, was a Mama. I cannot understand why it never even occurred to me to get a good education so I could get a good job. Its just not even in my DNA, I don't think, to be a career woman. I've had many jobs -- a lot of which I've enjoyed, actually -- I went to Bible school, did alright, and when I graduated and didn't get married and didn't have any skills...I went to CompuCollege, and did awesome, worked for the government; I've done customer service, cleaned hotel rooms, worked at a bookstore (one of my favorite jobs!), worked at a gas station, cleaned old people's homes, worked with mentally and physically challenged people, got involved in a few different churches leading worship, teaching kids, being a youth leader, taught kids clubs, taught English to Russian students, saw the mountains of Alaska, worked with inner-city kids and families in New York City...I've done a lot of stuff...soo much of it good stuff. But always...in my heart...I was waiting until I would get to be a Mama.


When I first got married...we didn't take any precautions to NOT get pregnant, as I knew it would be difficult...I wasn't really in a hurry to have kids right away, though...I was loving being a new wife, and wanting to soak that up for a little while before adding a baby to our mix. But sometime in the first two years of our marriage, I began seeing a doctor to start the process of what it might take for me to get pregnant, as clearly it wasn't happening. Then we moved to PEI and the process had to start all over again. So we have almost been married 12 years...which means I have been involved in fertility assistance, meds, etc...for 10 years. Wow. A long time.




I have two boys. So the thought certainly occurs to me that I shouldn't be so 'greedy' to think I deserve more. I have two more than I actually ever thought I would have. And the urgency is different with a third...trying for one, I was afraid it would never happen...trying for the second...I was afraid I'd never have a sibling for Jonah...so trying for a third...is in a class all its own. I'm almost 38 years old. and I FEEL it. I sometimes wonder if my body can even handle another pregnancy. If my mental health can, for that matter. If our bank account can, our house...our car...


But yet...the desire is there. I question it sometimes, because the longer its taking for it to happen...the harder it is to imagine it will. When the one and only fertility doctor on PEI left last summer...She was kind enough to give me several refills on meds - and my own family doctor has been kind enough to refill THOSE refills when they ran out and still no baby...so I'm here. Still waiting. Wondering if our family is complete, or if there is going to be another  member. Its hard not knowing. Its a loss, but a strange loss to know how to grieve: for someone that doesn't even exist. Its hard trying to 'move on' when it has to be a conscious decision to STOP taking medicine. Of course, miracles happen - and I really do attribute the fact that I have two kids to being a miracle, and not a result of modern day medicine...but God has allowed this medicine to be effective two times before...I can't understand now why its not...and I have no doctor to counsel me or change things, or look into it for me. Its frustrating.


And I beg God every single day to just make it clear...some might think the fact that its not happening is clear. I disagree. because sometimes good things come to those who wait. sometimes the miracle is in the trusting and the waiting for His perfect timing. But also sometimes...He knows its never going to happen, and just hasn't made that part clear...


So we wait. We trust that He knows best...and I beg Him to show us clearly and that His grace and peace will be always ever-sufficient. We know He is in control, even when it seems that this is just one more straw on the camel's back that is just making life seem a little too heavy right now.


I don't write this to make you feel sorry for me, or to offer me hope that you can't really promise me...or to try to convince me that two is enough or anything. Just to let you into my mind, and the mind of others who may silently be struggling...and I write to get it out of my head...swirling whirling thoughts are just a little too much to keep inside this brain sometimes.