a jumbled mess...

...that is my mind these days. Its January. I expect it, to be honest. But -- its not just January. It has been a hard several months for me. a hard year, to be honest. I feel like I have experienced a lot of 'loss' in the past year. A lot that I've had to just accept and try to reconcile in my own mind, trying to figure out how to 'move on' in this complicated place that is my mind. I am a 'muller'...I don't consider myself to be a person who holds grudges, really -- I like to think I am a fairly level-headed person...I take responsibility for my short-comings and don't think I pass blame quickly...but...I mull things over in my mind...almost constantly. I am hard on myself...I don't handle change or loss well...I don't 'let go' of things -- or people, I should say -- easily...broken relationships...are hard for me. I think I am a loyal person - I hold on, I put a lot into my relationships...I like to think I do, anyways...its all a matter of opinion, I suppose...you may ask people on the 'receiving side' of my relationships if they feel like I put a lot into them...and they may feel I don't...I have no idea. Maybe I'm disillusioned and don't have a heart for others at all, who would know? But...my point is: my mind is a mess. I am constantly asking God to help me think on things that are true - to hear HIS voice and not be discouraged all the time by the relationships I've lost...because I know I am blessed to have some true, deep, and unbelievably beautiful relationships.  Some of what I've lost in losing my church...is the reality that what was lost...wasn't as much a 'loss' in and of itself...as it was the reality that it wasn't what I thought it was...or tried to make it.  I've hung onto a handle of those relationships...but when you're used to seeing so so many dozens and dozens of people on a weekly basis...and they gradually dwindle to...say...15????? its a loss. and a punch in the gutt...my church fell apart. like...literally...fell apart. it does not exist anymore. And we were there until the very end. All 15 of us.  Week after week we showed up, wondering who would meet us...and it was like a reminder every week that life was going on without us....it became unbearable, honestly. I still cannot believe that 8 and a half years ago when we started going to our church, there were over 300 people...and we no longer exist. There are still groups of people meeting together in various churches around the area...but...its not the same. Anyone I talk to about it, feels the same...like they're not 'home' - not sure where they 'belong' - they miss the old church. And I do, too...but...there's not one thing I can do about it anymore. We are scattered. I don't even have the ability to reconcile myself with this 'church' because...everyone is everywhere...there are several relationships that I have tried, over and over again to try to connect with...and after awhile...the few that seem mutual...prevail. Jason has told me for years, he thinks I invest in the wrong people. I don't know when to give up.  I pour my heart and soul into some people...and the realization that its not being reciprocated...stings a little. I feel responsible for every broken relationship. But why???? It is really, truly...not all my fault. Its in the reality of some of the truth depth and mutual CARE of many of my friendships...that I see the LACK of that, in others. And I need to tell myself its okay to let go. Never stop being loving and having a heart of approachability and acceptance....but...I need to know when to let go. Its not realistic that I should hold onto every relationship that has ever been in my life...things change...and its not all my fault. I do, however...have many people in my life, worth the effort...and the effort is reciprocated. I get so disappointed and discouraged and hurt when I feel misunderstood, and unappreciated....I feel most valued when I am pursued and listened to...not qualities many people like to put forth...its hard, putting someone else's needs above your own....but -- I've experienced it...I have felt so heard...by only a few...but...I have experienced it. And I know that true, true friendship...is rare. and beautiful...and the fact that I have more than one true friend..is a gift...and one I don't take for granted.  I just need to stop counting my losses and dwelling on what I don't have...and being more grateful for what I DO have...it makes the loyal friendships that much sweeter.  To love...and be loved...what a gift. 


I have experienced a lot of anxiety the last few months especially. Its just grasping reality and walking through pain and loss, not just in my own life...but in the lives of those I love...life is getting harder...its not hard like, I'm hoping a certain boy likes me, or not having the nicest clothes, or not making good grades or having the car on Friday night...its hard, like...life and death...people walking out of your life...financial burdens, marriages failing, parents being sick, parents dying, friends not having babies...friends losing babies...


and I'm reminded that

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - CS Lewis

But I don't want to live with a hope for another world only....because I know I have the true Author of HOPE in me...now. today...and I am trying, desperately...to let Him have control of this jumbled mess, that is my mind...I need Him. I have listened to so many amazing messages about Jesus lately...and every time I am challenged and feel encouraged to hand things over...again, to Him...and He takes me and gives me new mercies...every. single. day. I lose heart so easily when I feel like people fail me...the grace I extend runs dry so quickly.  But...He. Jesus -- He offers it to me over and over and over again. 

I can't even understand that, really.

And I can't think of a great way to wrap this post up...but I'm tired of writing, so...this is it for now.