Emotions and Steven Curtis Chapman

I don't consider myself to be a super emotional person...well, I AM, actually, but...I feel the need to 'control' my emotions, and feel compelled to always 'do the right thing', or tell myself what I 'should' do, or how I 'should' feel - or I do/don't do something out of worry about what someone ELSE might think I should or shouldn't do. Its ridiculous, really. But, sometimes, when my emotions run wild...I often talk myself out of it; spiritualize it; rebuke myself; give myself a 'pep talk'; journal, instead of venting; etc, etc. I don't know why I'm like this. I have a lot of 'people pleaser' in me, and while I have a huge frustration with people who aren't 'authentic', I find that sometimes that is the very thing that frustrates me about myself: when I can't be/say/feel the way I want to...because, the truth is, sometimes its ugly, and I don't want people to see that. I don't even want to believe, myself, the ugliness about myself sometimes, so I...suppress. Oh, dear...anyways. Today I was grumpy. Just grumpy. I don't hardly remember the last time I've had a day like today. Not sad, not lonely, not discouraged, not insecure...just. mad. grumpy. I kept wishing someone would call or drop in so I could just give them an earful. Not that I would have, but...I kept imagining scenarios in my head of all the angry words I would say, and the fury behind them...if only someone would just ask me how my day was going. Ha. I guess God knew that wasn't what He wanted to happen. By the time Erin stopped by, and I had FINALLY found that stupid chocolate bar I was craving (in between our two couches -- what on earth?!)- I had simmered down a bit. She seemed to think it was funny to see me this way, but...she was kind enough to stay here with Jonah while he napped so I could get out of the house. She's the best, really. Anyways...I can't understand exactly WHY I feel the way I do...and seeing as this is a public blog, I will NOT go into details of my emotions, except to say that: I think my emotions and spirit are being challenged because...I just had the most spiritually high "high" I've had in a long long time...

I went to see Steven Curtis Chapman in Moncton on Wednesday. Him and Michael W. Smith have always been the top two Christian artists I've wanted to see Live. They've both been such a huge part of my life for so, so many years...so: to actually SEE Steven Curtis Chapman was seriously a dream come true...And it was the most amazing night, spiritually, that I've had in the longest time...he was so personal, so transparent about his struggle with losing his little girl in that awful accident almost 3 years ago...so honest about the hurt, the confusion, the challenge to be able to sing his songs again and mean what he was singing...and his music, his stories, his passion for adoption, his beautiful testimony of God's amazing redemption and presence, caused me to really think about my life, and to be challenged and humbled before Him about what truly matters in life...and if I am allowing God to have His way in MY life, to really be MY EVERYTHING...I cried pretty well the entire way through the concert...some of those tears because of sadness, for the Chapman family, for myself, and some of those tears of just a realization of Who God is, and His incredible love for me...and the desire to be a person who really allows His love to shine through me...what on earth are we doing on this earth, sometimes, I wonder? Why do I care so much sometimes about status, my weight, my lack of fashion, my lack of money or success, the things I want, the places I want to go and can't...does any of that really even matter? Its a shame the amount of time spent worrying about such temporal things...and yet I do...far too often.

So...I am totally rambling, but...my conclusion is this: I had a spiritual 'high' (I haven't even uttered those words in years, I don't think!!) and of course, my spirit is being attacked...seriously: HOURS after i felt like I had such revelations of truth and conviction and joy and redemption...and today was one of my grumpiest and most 'ungodly' days...and...I blame...well: it doesn't matter who is to blame: myself, the devil...whatever...but...I know I don't like it. And I know I need Jesus. And I really WANT Him to be my everything...He is stirring in my heart about so much right now...I do not want to be complacent...I hate the selfishness of my heart sometimes...I am so grateful for His mercy.

really.