my boys

I want to write so I won't forget...


Life has been a little sad around here lately, just with things happening in our family, and in the lives of some friends I love, and just...life...there is a lot of sadness sometimes. its not always something I can hide from my kids...even when I think they aren't noticing...


the other day when I was talking to Erin about some things that were making us sad...Levi seemed to not be noticing, as he was playing with the little nutcrackers she had given him that morning. After she left, and we had eaten lunch I was cleaning up, and he says out of the blue "I sorry about you, Mama...."


I ask what he means...and he says "I sorry you sad. I want to hold you."


so sweet. I have always felt like my boys were very sensitive and aware of the world around them - they seem to have always had sensitivity towards others, and compassion...I'm so grateful, and it has been my prayer almost every day of each of their lives, that they would love God, love others, and bring joy to people around them. They bring me much joy. and frustration too, of course...but I am so thankful for these two little sensitive boys that call me Mama. They are so forgiving, so adoring and full of grace for their weary, short-fused mama.

Counting the gifts

I've been keeping a journal of gifts for a long time -- I'm not a faithful journaler anymore, really -- depends on the season -- I've been writing more lately, because I am trying so hard to be intentional about being thankful.  Its not always easy...but as our friend Ann says "there is always always always something to be thankful for"...and its so true...there's always a lot to gripe and complain about too -- and that somehow comes easier, but...doesn't reap the same benefits, for sure.


So...

• for waking up before the boys this morning and being able to make coffee and a little lunch for Jay before he headed for work. I usually just grunt and we kiss quickly when he wakes up at 5:40am, bless his heart...so it was nice to see his face this morning before he left...
• for snow covering the ground - and Jonah being excited when he saw it on the deck (he missed it out the window at the bottom of the stairs) - and how he said he was wishing on his way down the stairs that there would be snow! so cute!
• for an email full of links to my pastor's favorite Christmas music - I don't know why, but this made me so happy! He was chatting with me lastnight at our worship practise about his favorite Christmas music -- and that he took the time to write so many down with links, just made me smile this morning. He's only been in our lives a few months, but we are so happy he's our pastor...he's quiet and unassuming, humble, authentic and a thinker...I am appreciating him more and more.
• shopping with my sister and my boys -- and picking out some little treasures at the dollar store to send to our friend Ryan in NB...and knowing that fella will be so happy to receive our funny little gifts.
• having a sister who invests so much in my boys - I know they drive her (almost!) as crazy as they do me sometimes...but that shows that they are close and have spent a great deal of time together...I can't wait to love her little babe, who could be arriving any week now!! I cannot wait.
• my dear Momma and Dad, picking up Jonah after a busy few hours in town...I know Mom is tired, but the fact that she wants to spend time with Jonah alone, on his day off school...means so much to me - and he was so happy to be able to go without anyone else. Quality time is that boy's love language.
• Being invited out to friends' for supper -- who have boys who my boys adore -- and not having to make supper!! makes my time right now even more precious, that I don't have to be spending it cooking!
• a kind and generous gift that couldn't have come at a better time.
• seeing my hubby for a few minutes at McDonald's today -- he still brings a smile to my face!
• the smell of those peanut butter brownies that just came out of the oven.
• my driveway was fixed yesterday -- and didn't cost me a dime. I am beyond grateful.
• a co-worker who has been so pro-active in making sure that driveway was fixed...
• finally getting that broken necklace untangled...and having the patience to fix it myself. yup - I'm quite proud of myself. and happy to have a necklace again. I'm not one of those people who has a necklace to match every outfit. I have one. I bought it for myself a couple months ago -- so when it broke a couple weeks ago...I was...not surprised!!!...but also not happy. It stayed in the bottom of my purse until today...so it was a tangled mess...but I was determined to not have to wait for Jason -- who is much more patient and fine-motor-skills-y than I am. but: I did it. he will be so impressed!

And that's it for today, in a nutshell.


Honestly - Levi was a handful this morning when we were shopping...he is a handful most days...and I haven't quite figured out how to 'control' him...he exasperates me, pushes my buttons - screams and cries when he's not getting his way -- in public, alone, doesn't matter -- he has absolutely no care in the world for who sees him acting like a crazy kid. But...then he can be so 'soft'...so cuddly and sweet and...he melts me, quite honestly -- he's the cutest little thing - he makes us laugh so much...he's so smart and so full of life...so truly LEVI...just...what ya see is what you get with him...and I love that about him...I envy it a little, to be honest...and I am grateful for this little one who not only infuriates me at times...but slays me with his adorableness...I don't know if God will give me another baby...I still pray that He will...but if He doesn't...He is still good. He has give me the best two boys in the world. I really am so happy to be their Mama. 

"Though You Slay Me" (featuring John Piper)

I first heard this song a couple years ago -- and what a challenge...I want to be able to sing this song sincerely -- "...Though You slay me, yet I will praise You...though You take from me,  I will bless Your name...though You ruin me, still I will worship, sing a song to the One who's all I need..."




I read this morning II Corinthians 4, and my heart was so heavy for so many in my life right now who are going through such deep sorrow and dealing with life and death...challenges in marriage, challenges with children...health issues, loneliness, anxiety, depression, despair, abandonment, rejection...we all are, though, aren't we? These verses, this song...such a challenge to me, this life -- this temporary life...is working for us an eternal weight of glory...

 

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. (verses 8-10)

Isn't that interesting? So that Jesus can be seen in us...that's why we suffer?? I don't understand it, really....but I try to think of this, try to trust Him, that as His children, He has a purpose for any, and every thing that happens to us...even if we don't see it, even if we NEVER see it here on earth...that He is working for us and He is receiving glory...

on being thankful

I can actually find about a million things, I think, to be thankful for...perhaps I should start with that...not even trying too hard, I bet I can just easily type off a bunch right now:

1. My hubby, picturing him out there somewhere on this Island, driving those people he loves, likely with a smile on his face, music blasting, enjoying this beautiful, sunshiney day -- anticipating him coming home and telling me what adventures he got up to today with some of his disabled clients -- apple picking, taking a 'leaf tour' - or just regular doctors appointments and dialysis, stretcher runs, and school kids. I'm so happy he has a job where he doesn't have to sit in an office - I know that would eat at his soul a little bit each day. I know he is making a difference in people's lives, every day. He's a hard guy not to love.
2. This amazing weather lately. There is a breeze today, which is nicely drying those towels out on my clothesline...and the Fall sunshine -- oh my soul, its so lovely. I love Fall -- I mourn the loss of summer a bit every year, because we love the beach...but I do love Fall -- wearing jeans and sweatshirts.
3. I love that Jonah is up at his Papa and Mammie's this afternoon, enjoying his cousins. No school today - he has a five-day weekend, and he couldn't be happier!! I love seeing all those cousins playing together.  I love my boys having so much family around all the time - they adore their "flamilies" as Levi would say.
4. Spaghetti sauce all ready and simmering in the slow cooker. I love that I won't be rushing to get everything on the table when we all arrive home, hungry, after picking Jason up from work.
5. My pup is clean!!! we have a dog groomer just the next driveway over, and though she doesn't always do exactly what I ask her to do...she is cheap, and convenient...and saving me the hassle and gross-ness of cleaning Sophie up myself. I can let her on my couch without puking now. ha. she wasn't actually that bad. But it is nice knowing she's clean.
6. The lawn-mower sound outside my window. even if its not my lawn that's being cut! ha! something I like about hearing that sound, I don't know why.
7. The six little squares I just ate of the Cadbury Fruit & Nut bar. yum.
8. This book my Mom got me at our library book sale, The Explicit Gospel, by Matt Chandler. I haven't read much yet, but I have loved what I've read so far, and am excited to get into it a little deeper.
9. Sitting around the table lastnight with my little sister and my sister-in-law, talking about babies...I love having those two girls in my life...anticipating my little sister's baby, who is arriving sometime in the next two months...I can't wait!!! I really can't.
10. I deleted a few programs of this computer about an hour ago...and it is not humming at 500 decibels...that makes me happy. am I a techy, somehow???
11. See -- already -- I came on to write on this blog, intending on giving into my sometimes melancholy...but chose to think about good things...and it actually has changed my mood. awesome.
12. I hear that darling little boy upstairs, having a little cough...and it reminds me, seriously...how blessed I am to have him. In our conversations lastnight about babies and siblings and parenting, etc....I was saying again how grateful I am that I had ONE child...let alone two...I am so, so, so, so happy my boys have each other. I would have imagined I'd have four or five children - my whole life, I imagined that...but really...two?! what a blessing. I'm still hoping for and begging God for that third one...we shall see what He has in mind, though, I guess. just waiting on Him.

And that's all for now. I have some left-over pumpkin in the fridge just aching to be used for something delicious, and I'm going to run out of time here if I don't get off this quiet little laptop.


I love Thanksgiving weekend. and I love that we get to celebrate TWO Thanksgivings in our family. October and November. I can't wait to eat that delicious meal on Monday with my family.

always wrestling

I wish this post title was the Segway into a cute little story about my cute little boys doing cute little boy wrestling moves. But -- its about me. and my mind. that is always. always. wrestling.


I am always in conflict - wrestling - in my mind and heart - between how I actually, genuinely feel and act or react...and the way I know I should feel or act or react. I tend to do/feel/act how I should, and 'pep-talk' myself often, or reprimand myself for feeling 'less than' I ought. Its exhausting. 


Truth is...I'm discouraged. I try to be so hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of having a third child...I know I am beyond blessed that I even have two...but for as long as I can remember...ALL I have wanted...is to be a Mom. I always looked up to my own Mom, who made the choice to stay home with us...and I knew I wanted to do the same. For as long as I can remember...this is what I've wanted. I knew at some point in my adulthood, before I got married, that it would likely be difficult for me to get pregnant, having very infrequent periods. But it was a blessing, in some ways -- no periods? Sorta great... But then when I got married and started wanting to have babies...the never having periods thing...wasn't so awesome anymore.  Before we were even married two years, I started seeing a doctor in New York about my fertility issues. And when we moved to PEI just shortly after our 2nd anniversary, I waited to see Dr. Brodie, the one fertility doctor on PEI.  We were married 5 years when we had Jonah.  In hindsight, I love that we had that much time together, living 'care-free' and enjoying each other...so much life happened, just the two of us. And I love that. But having somewhere in your heart, your deepest desires - to become a Mom - not being met...for so many years...and so many months of disappointment...that is not an easy thing to go through. Something hard to explain, really...a deep sorrow and grief even I can't really find words for. So - when I finally got pregnant and had Jonah - the joy - and relief...was unfathomable. A healthy, happy, sweet and perfect baby boy. And I imagined that getting pregnant a second time would be easier....like perhaps my body would 'right itself.' So...the discouragement that came with almost two years of trying for a second baby...surprised me again...I am naively hopefully oftentimes...like, I know its a 'good thing' to desire to have a baby...and I love God, and live my life (mostly) for Him...like I expect that I should then get my hearts desire. How many times do we say that verse "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart"....like that prosperity gospel idea, sort of. Or we reprimand ourselves for not having enough faith, or not trusting God enough. Oh my soul -- if I had the energy to divulge every thought I've had in my struggles with infertility....you'd be alarmed. one moment positive and hopeful, the next at the depths of despair...


So, here we are. "Hoping" for a third child. The almost constant mental and emotional effort, not to mention the financial and the physical...a daily, conscious effort - emotional highs and lows, of charting temperatures, taking vitamins, getting bloodwork, waiting for results, taking pills on these days -- taking more pills at these times on these days...and even more pills...waiting....waiting again....more bloodwork....waiting to see if I ovulated, waiting to see if i'll get my period, being terrified at every twinge in my abdomen, if it means I'll get my period...every time I pee, wondering if I'll see blood...praying - begging God, that the medicine will work, and begging Him that I will ovulate...and then begging Him that I won't get another period...seeing my nurse - charting any and every little change in my body...and squeezing in one last doctor visit in there...oh -- did I mention...the ONE Fertility doctor on PEI....just left. I had my last appointment with her last week. She won't be replaced. As if the process wasn't complicated enough. Now I don't even have a doctor. Oh yeah....and sex. The actual thing necessary to even get pregnant. Though it doesn't feel like that sometimes...its so conscious, everything is so planned, so calculated...


Its discouraging.  And when I don't get pregnant...I have moments where I forget to feel what I should feel....and I let myself feel how I actually feel. And its almost unbearable. The sorrow and shame, even...that my body does not do...what it is supposed to do. some people have sex...on a fluke, even...maybe unprotected one time....and they get a baby.


And I really, truly -- don't resent the people in my life who get pregnant effortlessly...its not that. Its the frustration and shame that I can't. The knowledge that I cannot have babies without medical help. And even then....


I'm 37.  The idea that I will have a large family...is not so realistic anymore. And I berate myself for feeling discouraged about that...when I know people who don't even have ANY children of their own...and I have the two CUTEST, best boys. in the world. I do.


But...the heart wants what the heart wants. right????


ha. And me???  I want another baby. My little sister is pregnant - I have hoped for the last several years - once I realized she had finally fallen in love!! - that we would have babies at the same time...- and one of my best friends is pregnant (and to date, both of our pregnancies have been at the same time, months apart.) -- I feel like I was surprised when on the 40th freaking day of my cycle...that big fat ugly - sign showed up on the friggin pregnancy test. 40 days. come on.


I write, because it helps a little....to record my discouragement, somehow helps. because most of the time I MAKE myself be positive and hopeful and trying to trust God...and then there's times I question whether or not I can even handle another kid....I have so many days of frustration with the two I have...I think God must not think I can handle another one. And if that's true...I just am begging God to let me know, so I don't have to keep trying, so I don't have to keep doing this 'hoping' thing that is so unbelievably consuming and emotionally draining....pumping hormones into my body that alter my moods but don't alter my womb.


anyways. I will plod on. because I don't feel 'done'. I dread the moment when I know I am....I like to believe I'm still 26 and have many years ahead of me that I can hope for a house full of kids. I wish it was up to me. But...none of life really is, is it??? we make our plans...we do our best to see those plans fulfilled. But in the end...are we really in control????


no. we aren't. I look at people sometimes and wonder why the things they set their minds to...actually happen. I look at people with ambition, who meet goal after goal...get the jobs they want, the houses they want, the kids they want...or don't....who knows how people really actually feel??? 'cause we're always spinning people, really, aren't we??? its so ridiculous. And I'm not really a super pessimistic person, to be honest...but sometimes...ya just feel what ya feel. and so you write it out...not really for anyone else's benefit so much as for your own...and you question a little bit, whether or not you should even hit the 'publish' button...but then you think 'why not? everyone else does.'


and hopefully moments from now...the 'therapy' of writing will do its thing...and I will feel how I 'should' once again.

Nutshell happenings here these days

I feel like I always have thoughts swirling around my head - and while I need to process sometimes...journaling is helpful - and I have been doing that...but I've been talking - to real people. Also good. But - then...I like looking back on this blog and seeing what's been going on in my mind too. So -- I'll just snapshot my life, so I can look back on something a little less detailed than my journal and real conversations, but...still something to take note of on here just the same.

• Levi is up these days around 6:30 - which seems far too early in my opinion. But - he's still a great napper. I suspect he will sleep in later once I give up on the nap, but -- I'm not willing to do that yet. Jonah sleeps til 7:15 if I can get that loud little brother of his out of the room in time!
• We have been watching Suits lately - and are loving it. I have always loved lawyer shows -- my first lawyer love was Matlock...and I was certain I would be a lawyer or private investigator when I grew up. The thought of that makes me laugh now. Although I'm super good at reading people and remembering faces - I could probably work for Cal Lightman on Lie to Me (check that show out if you've never watched it. It used to be my favorite a few years ago.)
• I got my oil tank replaced today. It has a 'lifetime guarantee'. I likely won't live in this house long enough to make all the cash it cost me worth it for ME though. Next home-owners: you're welcome.
• I got my hair cut today because Erin was willing to walk around with Levi checking out the stores and listening to him repeat "hair cut?" about a million times. I believe he did that, too, 'cause that kid LOVES to repeat. He is a really good talker. Incredibly verbal. Which has its advantages and disadvantages. Never a moment of quiet around here. Except for right now while Jonah is at school, Levi is sleeping, and Sophie is happy laying beside me.
• We enrolled Jonah into baseball (t-ball) this summer instead of soccer. I hope he likes it -- there's only 33 kids at his age level - 3 teams of 11, instead of hundreds of kids all playing on our local soccer turf at once...one little guy from his class is on his team. So - I'm excited to see him play and to be part of this smaller community of parents and kids.  I'm hoping my work schedule doesn't interfere with it too much. He plays Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings...and my shifts are different in the summer, and I will likely be working a lot of Saturdays. Blech.
• Its freezing cold here even though its almost June. I got a sunburn 2 weekends ago, but since then it has been super cold. And we haven't had oil in our tank as we knew we were getting it replaced. Not cool, PEI. Warm up already.
• I'm really trying lately to be more disciplined in reading. The Bible, a novel, a parenting book, and still Tim Keller's "Counterfeit Gods" -- which every Christian should read. I'm super slow and easily distracted, but I do love what reading does for my soul.
• Still loving my Bible Study on Monday nights with the girls from our new church...I love getting to know people and digging into God's Word together...I have been so encouraged by these girls the past several months and love being part of this group as we are studying gifts...so interesting and vital to the church body.
• Jonah has lost three teeth in the past few weeks. He's so adorable, and his little voice is so cute. He's getting so big - and his love of the Wii is driving me crazy a little bit, to be honest...but we try really hard to limit his time...I resist this 'day and age' sometimes and the technology -- but I find myself falling into the pull, myself. Its a balancing act.
• Been feeling encouraged these days with the girls I am able to connect with - I try really hard to get together with girls during the week - the availability of people is hard, with a lot of people holding jobs during the day, but -- I love getting together with people and having quality conversation...it brings me great, great joy. I try to not feel too lonely when I don't get to 'connect' though...I also love being home and doing things around the house...and try to rebuke myself when I start to fall into loneliness...its hard sometimes spending the majority of my time, just me and Levi...but I refuse to be super duper busy all the time too, and neglect this boy and our home and just my own time of being quiet and resting, or working in my home, whatever it is...I don't want to always feel the need to be seeking fulfillment from relationships...I crave time alone, as well...

Anyways. this is for my benefit, don't feel like if you're dropping by this blog, that you think I think I'm an amazing writer or anything...I literally write, and post, and sometimes go back and re-read. I don't edit, and I don't sit here conjuring up ideas that might make me appealing to you. Not my goal.

Healing and Spring

I am not in a real 'write-y' mood, but just turned on my laptop to sync my music to my ipad, and...well -- its on, so...why not write a quick little post?


I will say the 'year of depression', as Erin and I refer to...well -- more than just 'one' year of depression...is lifting.  I know it will likely return, as it seems to every other year or so! ha! its my thorn in the flesh...when I'm up, I'm up...when I'm not...I'm consumed with the crazy place of my mind...its awful. but -- I am finding my joy again these days...I have found myself in such deep anxiety over the past year and a half (at least!!) with church, relationships, parenting, etc...and I am delighted that God is giving me hope...He is restoring my soul...He is teaching me, and rebuking me and changing me...and offering me mercy when I stumble back into unhealthy thoughts and insecurities...He is using His Word, His people...His Spirit, music, sermons, books...Spring! and sunshine, and sweet snuggles from my babies, and tender loving and patience from my husband...and new relationships, and a heart that sometimes, not often enough...takes my focus off myself and looks at others, long enough to see that I have GOT to get my eyes off myself if I am ever going to have joy...because self-centredness is not going to make me a more loving or godly or patient or lovable, for that matter...person.  As I open myself up again to people, and do what brings me the greatest joy: connect with people...get to really know them...I am reminded of at least a part of who I am, that God has made me...and as I seek to encourage and know others, and not just see how I've been forgotten or rejected, or what I've lost...I see how He is restoring me...healing me...little by little. 


Was that just one big, long run-on sentence??? wow...


anyways. I don't generally go back and edit before I hit send...I'm not a 'writer'...I don't have a large 'audience'...I'm just writing...as fast as I can before my battery dies...so...I tend to write as I think...and am likely not grammatically correct. oops.


This puppy is at my feet, trying her hardest to get me to throw her toy to her...oh my soul.  Even when the kids are in bed, I am at the mercy of a little one. geesh.


So -- we are enjoying our new church.  I have been going to a ladies Bible Study for a couple months now, which is really nice - a pretty small group, and we are studying 'gifts'...so its interesting, and good for letting us get to know each other a little deeper, too...and they have made me feel so welcome, and just a real 'part' of the group. Its so nice to be with girls who talk about reading the Bible, and express love for the Lord, their husbands and kids and their church...not that our old church didn't have that...but a lot of things have been so messed up in the last couple years, especially...there wasn't a lot of encouraging going on...so, I am just feeling so encouraged and blessed and enjoying this group. And we have been talking to Jonah as openly as we could over the past number of months, regarding church...trying to keep up with his feelings and opinions.  He has been sad about losing our church...has had a lot of questions over the months about where everyone is....and we have been honest as we can be with a 5 year old...and I asked him the other day, again, if he still missed our old church...and he said he did a little, but he was happy at our new church and glad we were there.  (It helps that we had a family over for supper the night before and when we went to church on Easter Sunday, he was delighted to have '3 friends there now!' instead of just one!...) so. I am grateful for that too. 


Anyways...lots still swirling around this mind of mine (that won't change, happy or not!!) ha! but...my battery is dying, and the cord is hard to reach, and I will be mad if this all gets deleted. so...bye for now.