always wrestling

I wish this post title was the Segway into a cute little story about my cute little boys doing cute little boy wrestling moves. But -- its about me. and my mind. that is always. always. wrestling.


I am always in conflict - wrestling - in my mind and heart - between how I actually, genuinely feel and act or react...and the way I know I should feel or act or react. I tend to do/feel/act how I should, and 'pep-talk' myself often, or reprimand myself for feeling 'less than' I ought. Its exhausting. 


Truth is...I'm discouraged. I try to be so hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of having a third child...I know I am beyond blessed that I even have two...but for as long as I can remember...ALL I have wanted...is to be a Mom. I always looked up to my own Mom, who made the choice to stay home with us...and I knew I wanted to do the same. For as long as I can remember...this is what I've wanted. I knew at some point in my adulthood, before I got married, that it would likely be difficult for me to get pregnant, having very infrequent periods. But it was a blessing, in some ways -- no periods? Sorta great... But then when I got married and started wanting to have babies...the never having periods thing...wasn't so awesome anymore.  Before we were even married two years, I started seeing a doctor in New York about my fertility issues. And when we moved to PEI just shortly after our 2nd anniversary, I waited to see Dr. Brodie, the one fertility doctor on PEI.  We were married 5 years when we had Jonah.  In hindsight, I love that we had that much time together, living 'care-free' and enjoying each other...so much life happened, just the two of us. And I love that. But having somewhere in your heart, your deepest desires - to become a Mom - not being met...for so many years...and so many months of disappointment...that is not an easy thing to go through. Something hard to explain, really...a deep sorrow and grief even I can't really find words for. So - when I finally got pregnant and had Jonah - the joy - and relief...was unfathomable. A healthy, happy, sweet and perfect baby boy. And I imagined that getting pregnant a second time would be easier....like perhaps my body would 'right itself.' So...the discouragement that came with almost two years of trying for a second baby...surprised me again...I am naively hopefully oftentimes...like, I know its a 'good thing' to desire to have a baby...and I love God, and live my life (mostly) for Him...like I expect that I should then get my hearts desire. How many times do we say that verse "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart"....like that prosperity gospel idea, sort of. Or we reprimand ourselves for not having enough faith, or not trusting God enough. Oh my soul -- if I had the energy to divulge every thought I've had in my struggles with infertility....you'd be alarmed. one moment positive and hopeful, the next at the depths of despair...


So, here we are. "Hoping" for a third child. The almost constant mental and emotional effort, not to mention the financial and the physical...a daily, conscious effort - emotional highs and lows, of charting temperatures, taking vitamins, getting bloodwork, waiting for results, taking pills on these days -- taking more pills at these times on these days...and even more pills...waiting....waiting again....more bloodwork....waiting to see if I ovulated, waiting to see if i'll get my period, being terrified at every twinge in my abdomen, if it means I'll get my period...every time I pee, wondering if I'll see blood...praying - begging God, that the medicine will work, and begging Him that I will ovulate...and then begging Him that I won't get another period...seeing my nurse - charting any and every little change in my body...and squeezing in one last doctor visit in there...oh -- did I mention...the ONE Fertility doctor on PEI....just left. I had my last appointment with her last week. She won't be replaced. As if the process wasn't complicated enough. Now I don't even have a doctor. Oh yeah....and sex. The actual thing necessary to even get pregnant. Though it doesn't feel like that sometimes...its so conscious, everything is so planned, so calculated...


Its discouraging.  And when I don't get pregnant...I have moments where I forget to feel what I should feel....and I let myself feel how I actually feel. And its almost unbearable. The sorrow and shame, even...that my body does not do...what it is supposed to do. some people have sex...on a fluke, even...maybe unprotected one time....and they get a baby.


And I really, truly -- don't resent the people in my life who get pregnant effortlessly...its not that. Its the frustration and shame that I can't. The knowledge that I cannot have babies without medical help. And even then....


I'm 37.  The idea that I will have a large family...is not so realistic anymore. And I berate myself for feeling discouraged about that...when I know people who don't even have ANY children of their own...and I have the two CUTEST, best boys. in the world. I do.


But...the heart wants what the heart wants. right????


ha. And me???  I want another baby. My little sister is pregnant - I have hoped for the last several years - once I realized she had finally fallen in love!! - that we would have babies at the same time...- and one of my best friends is pregnant (and to date, both of our pregnancies have been at the same time, months apart.) -- I feel like I was surprised when on the 40th freaking day of my cycle...that big fat ugly - sign showed up on the friggin pregnancy test. 40 days. come on.


I write, because it helps a little....to record my discouragement, somehow helps. because most of the time I MAKE myself be positive and hopeful and trying to trust God...and then there's times I question whether or not I can even handle another kid....I have so many days of frustration with the two I have...I think God must not think I can handle another one. And if that's true...I just am begging God to let me know, so I don't have to keep trying, so I don't have to keep doing this 'hoping' thing that is so unbelievably consuming and emotionally draining....pumping hormones into my body that alter my moods but don't alter my womb.


anyways. I will plod on. because I don't feel 'done'. I dread the moment when I know I am....I like to believe I'm still 26 and have many years ahead of me that I can hope for a house full of kids. I wish it was up to me. But...none of life really is, is it??? we make our plans...we do our best to see those plans fulfilled. But in the end...are we really in control????


no. we aren't. I look at people sometimes and wonder why the things they set their minds to...actually happen. I look at people with ambition, who meet goal after goal...get the jobs they want, the houses they want, the kids they want...or don't....who knows how people really actually feel??? 'cause we're always spinning people, really, aren't we??? its so ridiculous. And I'm not really a super pessimistic person, to be honest...but sometimes...ya just feel what ya feel. and so you write it out...not really for anyone else's benefit so much as for your own...and you question a little bit, whether or not you should even hit the 'publish' button...but then you think 'why not? everyone else does.'


and hopefully moments from now...the 'therapy' of writing will do its thing...and I will feel how I 'should' once again.

Nutshell happenings here these days

I feel like I always have thoughts swirling around my head - and while I need to process sometimes...journaling is helpful - and I have been doing that...but I've been talking - to real people. Also good. But - then...I like looking back on this blog and seeing what's been going on in my mind too. So -- I'll just snapshot my life, so I can look back on something a little less detailed than my journal and real conversations, but...still something to take note of on here just the same.

• Levi is up these days around 6:30 - which seems far too early in my opinion. But - he's still a great napper. I suspect he will sleep in later once I give up on the nap, but -- I'm not willing to do that yet. Jonah sleeps til 7:15 if I can get that loud little brother of his out of the room in time!
• We have been watching Suits lately - and are loving it. I have always loved lawyer shows -- my first lawyer love was Matlock...and I was certain I would be a lawyer or private investigator when I grew up. The thought of that makes me laugh now. Although I'm super good at reading people and remembering faces - I could probably work for Cal Lightman on Lie to Me (check that show out if you've never watched it. It used to be my favorite a few years ago.)
• I got my oil tank replaced today. It has a 'lifetime guarantee'. I likely won't live in this house long enough to make all the cash it cost me worth it for ME though. Next home-owners: you're welcome.
• I got my hair cut today because Erin was willing to walk around with Levi checking out the stores and listening to him repeat "hair cut?" about a million times. I believe he did that, too, 'cause that kid LOVES to repeat. He is a really good talker. Incredibly verbal. Which has its advantages and disadvantages. Never a moment of quiet around here. Except for right now while Jonah is at school, Levi is sleeping, and Sophie is happy laying beside me.
• We enrolled Jonah into baseball (t-ball) this summer instead of soccer. I hope he likes it -- there's only 33 kids at his age level - 3 teams of 11, instead of hundreds of kids all playing on our local soccer turf at once...one little guy from his class is on his team. So - I'm excited to see him play and to be part of this smaller community of parents and kids.  I'm hoping my work schedule doesn't interfere with it too much. He plays Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings...and my shifts are different in the summer, and I will likely be working a lot of Saturdays. Blech.
• Its freezing cold here even though its almost June. I got a sunburn 2 weekends ago, but since then it has been super cold. And we haven't had oil in our tank as we knew we were getting it replaced. Not cool, PEI. Warm up already.
• I'm really trying lately to be more disciplined in reading. The Bible, a novel, a parenting book, and still Tim Keller's "Counterfeit Gods" -- which every Christian should read. I'm super slow and easily distracted, but I do love what reading does for my soul.
• Still loving my Bible Study on Monday nights with the girls from our new church...I love getting to know people and digging into God's Word together...I have been so encouraged by these girls the past several months and love being part of this group as we are studying gifts...so interesting and vital to the church body.
• Jonah has lost three teeth in the past few weeks. He's so adorable, and his little voice is so cute. He's getting so big - and his love of the Wii is driving me crazy a little bit, to be honest...but we try really hard to limit his time...I resist this 'day and age' sometimes and the technology -- but I find myself falling into the pull, myself. Its a balancing act.
• Been feeling encouraged these days with the girls I am able to connect with - I try really hard to get together with girls during the week - the availability of people is hard, with a lot of people holding jobs during the day, but -- I love getting together with people and having quality conversation...it brings me great, great joy. I try to not feel too lonely when I don't get to 'connect' though...I also love being home and doing things around the house...and try to rebuke myself when I start to fall into loneliness...its hard sometimes spending the majority of my time, just me and Levi...but I refuse to be super duper busy all the time too, and neglect this boy and our home and just my own time of being quiet and resting, or working in my home, whatever it is...I don't want to always feel the need to be seeking fulfillment from relationships...I crave time alone, as well...

Anyways. this is for my benefit, don't feel like if you're dropping by this blog, that you think I think I'm an amazing writer or anything...I literally write, and post, and sometimes go back and re-read. I don't edit, and I don't sit here conjuring up ideas that might make me appealing to you. Not my goal.

Healing and Spring

I am not in a real 'write-y' mood, but just turned on my laptop to sync my music to my ipad, and...well -- its on, so...why not write a quick little post?


I will say the 'year of depression', as Erin and I refer to...well -- more than just 'one' year of depression...is lifting.  I know it will likely return, as it seems to every other year or so! ha! its my thorn in the flesh...when I'm up, I'm up...when I'm not...I'm consumed with the crazy place of my mind...its awful. but -- I am finding my joy again these days...I have found myself in such deep anxiety over the past year and a half (at least!!) with church, relationships, parenting, etc...and I am delighted that God is giving me hope...He is restoring my soul...He is teaching me, and rebuking me and changing me...and offering me mercy when I stumble back into unhealthy thoughts and insecurities...He is using His Word, His people...His Spirit, music, sermons, books...Spring! and sunshine, and sweet snuggles from my babies, and tender loving and patience from my husband...and new relationships, and a heart that sometimes, not often enough...takes my focus off myself and looks at others, long enough to see that I have GOT to get my eyes off myself if I am ever going to have joy...because self-centredness is not going to make me a more loving or godly or patient or lovable, for that matter...person.  As I open myself up again to people, and do what brings me the greatest joy: connect with people...get to really know them...I am reminded of at least a part of who I am, that God has made me...and as I seek to encourage and know others, and not just see how I've been forgotten or rejected, or what I've lost...I see how He is restoring me...healing me...little by little. 


Was that just one big, long run-on sentence??? wow...


anyways. I don't generally go back and edit before I hit send...I'm not a 'writer'...I don't have a large 'audience'...I'm just writing...as fast as I can before my battery dies...so...I tend to write as I think...and am likely not grammatically correct. oops.


This puppy is at my feet, trying her hardest to get me to throw her toy to her...oh my soul.  Even when the kids are in bed, I am at the mercy of a little one. geesh.


So -- we are enjoying our new church.  I have been going to a ladies Bible Study for a couple months now, which is really nice - a pretty small group, and we are studying 'gifts'...so its interesting, and good for letting us get to know each other a little deeper, too...and they have made me feel so welcome, and just a real 'part' of the group. Its so nice to be with girls who talk about reading the Bible, and express love for the Lord, their husbands and kids and their church...not that our old church didn't have that...but a lot of things have been so messed up in the last couple years, especially...there wasn't a lot of encouraging going on...so, I am just feeling so encouraged and blessed and enjoying this group. And we have been talking to Jonah as openly as we could over the past number of months, regarding church...trying to keep up with his feelings and opinions.  He has been sad about losing our church...has had a lot of questions over the months about where everyone is....and we have been honest as we can be with a 5 year old...and I asked him the other day, again, if he still missed our old church...and he said he did a little, but he was happy at our new church and glad we were there.  (It helps that we had a family over for supper the night before and when we went to church on Easter Sunday, he was delighted to have '3 friends there now!' instead of just one!...) so. I am grateful for that too. 


Anyways...lots still swirling around this mind of mine (that won't change, happy or not!!) ha! but...my battery is dying, and the cord is hard to reach, and I will be mad if this all gets deleted. so...bye for now.

Winter

We talk about the weather here in Prince Edward Island. A lot. I think we've had record snowfall amounts this winter -- and the longest consecutive days off school I can remember in my lifetime: Jonah finally went back to school on a one-hour delay today after 5 days in a row (plus the weekend!) off for snow days. Insane!!!


I admit there were some stir-crazy, get-me-out-of-this-house-and-away-from-these-kids!! kind of days...but...for the most part, I enjoyed us all being cozied up and home together.  Jason even had three snow days in the past week! His boss is retiring in June and finally having a little bit of sensibility to cancel and not have these poor people driving all over creation and pushing wheelchairs in the blizzards and freezing rain. So...its been a long while since life has felt 'normal' around here -- March Break was two weeks ago, so there have been a lot of non-routine type days lately. I'm not really a 'routine' type of girl anyways, so it hasn't bothered me.  This morning I read one of my friend's posts on facebook saying she kind of missed her kids.  Funny that that stood out to me!! But...it seems most people are getting sick of all the time they're spending with their kids...so, to hear of someone who wasn't...it stood out to me.  Now...I know there are days that spending time with your kids is just a little...crazy.  I don't have a lot of stay-at-home mom friends these days...and I can't speak from experience what its like to be a 'working' Mom...but...I do know what its like to be a mom who stays home.  I've been doing it almost 6 years.  And I don't savour every moment and count it all joy each and every moment of the day, that's for sure...but...I am soo incredibly grateful that I can do this.  I have a lot of people who comment that it 'must be nice' to be able to stay home...like we're somehow rolling in the dough, and that's the reason we must be able to 'afford' for me to do so.  Ummm...my husband works for a non-profit organization that barely pays its employees minimum wage...so...its certainly not because we are wealthy.  Its a choice...one we have both made, and though our bank account and credit card debt might indicate otherwise...its one we still believe, the 'cost' is worth.  Because there is a cost...in the decision to work, or stay home...or what job to do, where to live, what car to drive, what house to buy, how to educate your children...there's always a cost...and each family is different, and makes their choices...and though I wish we had more money...this is still our choice...we could easily double our income if I went back to work full-time, but...and there are days I wish I could get out of the house and have more adult connections and feelings of productivity than I do...I still would rather be the one raising my children, than paying someone else to.  I still have a bit of a struggle even sending Jonah to kindergarten, where we spends the best part of his day with someone else...where he is one of 17 kids crammed into a room full of noise and activity and an adult who is managing them all, somehow...but not emotionally connected to each of them like their parents are.  So, I still love the days I get to spend with him, even if he occasionally drives me crazy and we are cooped up inside and rummaging the cupboards and fridge to find something to eat and he is spending a little more time than the usual 20 minutes playing games on my ipad...and I am not nearly as productive as I wish I was, and I feel guilty about the lack of time they've spent outdoors playing and the lack of time I've spent reading, or crafting, or organizing, or being an awesome little home-maker...its just our life. And we are happy (most of the time!), and I am grateful...so, so grateful, when I actually sit down and think...about all that God is doing in my heart these days...which is still a work in progress, but all the healing He is doing regarding church and helping me move forward...I sit and contemplate what I have to be thankful for...and I remember...that is half the battle: actually looking for what I have to be thankful for...'cause there is always something...always multiple things, really...and I realize again, how truly blessed I am...sometimes I just don't sit down long enough to think about it...my love of TV gets in the way of that sometimes!! ha! But I have so much to be thankful for. And I love that the majority of my days are spent with the people I love the most on the entire planet. So lucky.

a jumbled mess...

...that is my mind these days. Its January. I expect it, to be honest. But -- its not just January. It has been a hard several months for me. a hard year, to be honest. I feel like I have experienced a lot of 'loss' in the past year. A lot that I've had to just accept and try to reconcile in my own mind, trying to figure out how to 'move on' in this complicated place that is my mind. I am a 'muller'...I don't consider myself to be a person who holds grudges, really -- I like to think I am a fairly level-headed person...I take responsibility for my short-comings and don't think I pass blame quickly...but...I mull things over in my mind...almost constantly. I am hard on myself...I don't handle change or loss well...I don't 'let go' of things -- or people, I should say -- easily...broken relationships...are hard for me. I think I am a loyal person - I hold on, I put a lot into my relationships...I like to think I do, anyways...its all a matter of opinion, I suppose...you may ask people on the 'receiving side' of my relationships if they feel like I put a lot into them...and they may feel I don't...I have no idea. Maybe I'm disillusioned and don't have a heart for others at all, who would know? But...my point is: my mind is a mess. I am constantly asking God to help me think on things that are true - to hear HIS voice and not be discouraged all the time by the relationships I've lost...because I know I am blessed to have some true, deep, and unbelievably beautiful relationships.  Some of what I've lost in losing my church...is the reality that what was lost...wasn't as much a 'loss' in and of itself...as it was the reality that it wasn't what I thought it was...or tried to make it.  I've hung onto a handle of those relationships...but when you're used to seeing so so many dozens and dozens of people on a weekly basis...and they gradually dwindle to...say...15????? its a loss. and a punch in the gutt...my church fell apart. like...literally...fell apart. it does not exist anymore. And we were there until the very end. All 15 of us.  Week after week we showed up, wondering who would meet us...and it was like a reminder every week that life was going on without us....it became unbearable, honestly. I still cannot believe that 8 and a half years ago when we started going to our church, there were over 300 people...and we no longer exist. There are still groups of people meeting together in various churches around the area...but...its not the same. Anyone I talk to about it, feels the same...like they're not 'home' - not sure where they 'belong' - they miss the old church. And I do, too...but...there's not one thing I can do about it anymore. We are scattered. I don't even have the ability to reconcile myself with this 'church' because...everyone is everywhere...there are several relationships that I have tried, over and over again to try to connect with...and after awhile...the few that seem mutual...prevail. Jason has told me for years, he thinks I invest in the wrong people. I don't know when to give up.  I pour my heart and soul into some people...and the realization that its not being reciprocated...stings a little. I feel responsible for every broken relationship. But why???? It is really, truly...not all my fault. Its in the reality of some of the truth depth and mutual CARE of many of my friendships...that I see the LACK of that, in others. And I need to tell myself its okay to let go. Never stop being loving and having a heart of approachability and acceptance....but...I need to know when to let go. Its not realistic that I should hold onto every relationship that has ever been in my life...things change...and its not all my fault. I do, however...have many people in my life, worth the effort...and the effort is reciprocated. I get so disappointed and discouraged and hurt when I feel misunderstood, and unappreciated....I feel most valued when I am pursued and listened to...not qualities many people like to put forth...its hard, putting someone else's needs above your own....but -- I've experienced it...I have felt so heard...by only a few...but...I have experienced it. And I know that true, true friendship...is rare. and beautiful...and the fact that I have more than one true friend..is a gift...and one I don't take for granted.  I just need to stop counting my losses and dwelling on what I don't have...and being more grateful for what I DO have...it makes the loyal friendships that much sweeter.  To love...and be loved...what a gift. 


I have experienced a lot of anxiety the last few months especially. Its just grasping reality and walking through pain and loss, not just in my own life...but in the lives of those I love...life is getting harder...its not hard like, I'm hoping a certain boy likes me, or not having the nicest clothes, or not making good grades or having the car on Friday night...its hard, like...life and death...people walking out of your life...financial burdens, marriages failing, parents being sick, parents dying, friends not having babies...friends losing babies...


and I'm reminded that

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - CS Lewis

But I don't want to live with a hope for another world only....because I know I have the true Author of HOPE in me...now. today...and I am trying, desperately...to let Him have control of this jumbled mess, that is my mind...I need Him. I have listened to so many amazing messages about Jesus lately...and every time I am challenged and feel encouraged to hand things over...again, to Him...and He takes me and gives me new mercies...every. single. day. I lose heart so easily when I feel like people fail me...the grace I extend runs dry so quickly.  But...He. Jesus -- He offers it to me over and over and over again. 

I can't even understand that, really.

And I can't think of a great way to wrap this post up...but I'm tired of writing, so...this is it for now.



Levi is TWO!

I'm a terrible blogger...and terrible at recording things, it seems, lately...But I need to do it more...otherwise I'm left to my thoughts, swirling around in my head all the time...and getting them OUT at least gives me some release and offers some perspective and sense to what is going on in this crazy head of mine.  But...I'm not writing about my thoughts right now. I don't have the energy.  But...I will write a bit about this sweet little babe in the picture above...who just turned TWO on Christmas Day.  Still seems crazy to me that I have a kid with a birthday on Christmas Day. As if its not crazy enough and expensive enough...we were up wrapping Christmas gifts and birthday gifts on Christmas Eve 'til 2:30 in the morning...(why we think its a good idea to keep THAT tradition, I don't know!) - then we still had to decorate Levi's birthday cake. Oh my word.

ANNNNNYWAYS...

This kid...has quite a little personality! He doesn't seem to have as much of a 'people-pleasing' personality as Jonah does...he kinda does his own thing. He's not a performer - not crazy about having his picture taken...he does sooo many cute things...and inevitably stops once I go and fetch the camera to take a picture of record him. He loves to dance! He has rhythm! Can barely listen to music without raising his hands and shaking his hips...he's super cute.  No-one makes him laugh like Jonah does...he is quite a fan of his big brother. He calls him 'N-ja'. He is not going to be a pushover - Jonah may be twice his size, but he can fight back if Jonah takes a toy from him. He's very vocal! He's saying a lot more words lately -- quite a little chatterbox! Jonah and Levi share a room, and Jonah often comes downstairs saying he can't sleep 'cause Levi keeps talking to him! haha -- so cute! Jonah is a chatterbox, too though...so I think he can handle a little taste of his own medicine!

Levi loves books!! It is about the only time I can get that kid to sit still, if I read him books.  or strap him in his high chair and let him watch Sesame Street! He does love Elmo and Cookie Monster! And Thomas the Train. Jonah never liked Thomas - so I'm trying to convince him he likes Chuggington better since we have so many Chuggington trains and books! He does seem to enjoy that too! He does often wanna watch 'a show' - but doesn't sit still for very long to watch one! He likes family nights when we watch a movie all together - and he immediately goes and grabs blankets for all of us so we can snuggle together on the couch!

Levi loves to tease -- he's always pretending things are something different than what they are, to get a laugh out of us...and teases us with kisses and tickles.  He loves making us laugh! And we do, often...he's quite entertaining! He still loves to cuddle - mostly before bed...and he loves his blankie, and sticks his thumb in his mouth when he's ready to go to sleep.  He still LOVES milk! I go through the carton of whole milk for him quicker than the 2% that Jonah, Jay, and I all share...He's not a very big eater, but doesn't seem particularly picky about any specific foods.  He loves cookies!

He's not overly big - though I haven't had him to the doctor in awhile to have him weighed.  He's wearing 24 month clothing, mostly.  He gets a lot of attention in the stores, flashing his smile and saying "hi" to everyone that walks by. But he can be finicky, too, about who he likes and doesn't like.  As curly as Jonah's hair was at this age...Levi's is pin straight and very fine. We all just sit around watching him sometimes and cannot believe the cuteness of this little fella. I cannot imagine my life without this little boy. 

He loves our little puppy, Sophie. He's always hugging her and sitting on her...I think Sophie likes the attention -- she's very patient with Levi!

He loves playing mini stick hockey -and loves the little golf club set his Mammie and Papa got him for his birthday...he's always running around the house with those sticks and clubs and hitting things!!

He's still a really good sleeper - usually naps a couple hours in the afternoon and is in bed most nights around 7:00 -- usually up around 7:00-7:30 - though the odd time he will sleep in past 8:00.  The last couple of weeks, he's not as 'happy' to go to bed...he fights me a bit - but usually is quiet within a minute or two after I leave his room. He's been singing "God is so good" with us lately - and it is just the sweetest thing!

We love this little fella. He has added a lot of joy - and energy!! - to our home, for sure. I look forward to seeing his little personality continuing to develop, and am just so thankful I get to be his Mama.  Our little Christmas miracle.

worship

I love Jesus Culture...if I could sing like anyone, I'd probably sing like Kim Walker.  That girl can sing, oh my word.  I was listening this morning to them sing You Won't Relent, and the phrase that stuck out to me...

"I don't wanna talk about You, like You're not in the room.

Wanna look right at You, wanna sing right to You..."

 



I was thinking how odd it would be to sit in a room with a bunch of people...and talk about one of the people sitting there with you.  To go on and on about that person, describing them, how you feel about them, what they've done for you and what they mean to you...with them sitting right there listening...like they're not there...instead of talking to that person. 

 

I know Jesus is different...there are times we talk about Him and times we talk to Him.  But I was thinking how much more it seems to actually BE worship when you're directing your thoughts, words, music, actions, whatever...TO HIM.  I'm not trying to think of something new and profound to say about this...just have been thinking about it for the past hour...and wanted to write it down...so I think about it and remember.