Invisible Buckets...

So....I think besides MISSING Jonah every day...the thing that is so weird about him being in kindergarten...is just imagining him spending all those hours away from me...sitting in his little class, building relationships, doing stuff...without me there to interfere...control him...discipline...observe and perhaps offer advice if need be!! I sometimes fear I am 'on him' too much...not always knowing that balance between shaping him and adjusting his behavior as needed...and just letting him be...him. 

He's always been really good at communicating his thoughts and feelings...and he's much more detail-oriented than I may have expected, considering who his Mama is...but, I love hearing him tell me things about his day...some of it prompted by me while he eats his snack after he gets off the bus...and little bits and pieces intersected within other 'less pointed' conversations...

He's been telling us about who he plays with at recess and who he sits with in his class...I try to encourage him to ask people questions...and especially their names so we can know a little more...and simply because its polite!

He has been hanging around with a little kid...we're pretty sure his name is Drew.  Drew asked Jonah to sit with him the other day, and it seems they have been buddies every since...he says Drew calls him 'friend' instead of 'Jonah.' Which seems very cute to me.  He says they laugh and play at recess and sit by each other in their classroom.

But today he told me his teacher said they can't sit by each other anymore, 'cause "they act too crazy."

Yikes.

He said they didn't get in trouble...and assures me his teacher never got mad at them...

But I just got to thinking...about how much of his day I can't observe...I can't be there to make sure he's acting the way he should act...I can't prevent anything from happening before it happens (like Mama's seem often, to be able to do!)...I can't discipline him after he's done something he shouldn't have...I can't tell him to stop throwing dirt at a kid who just threw sand in his eyes...even though all he did was throw dirt on the other kids' jacket...I can't make him eat the carrots I send in his lunch...I can't pick his friends, or tell him where to sit...I can't offer suggestions about what he should do at recess...

And I've really purposely not been a super structured, hyper controlling mother for his first five years of life...but I have tried really hard, to shape his character, to teach him to listen and be respectful and kind...and have taught him so much about Jesus love for him and how that love changes us and shows others that He is good...

And now all I can do is trust that while he is not under my watchful eye...he is still developing into the little person God has created him to be, and continue to do all I can when he is with me.

On the way in to pick up Jay from work...Jonah was in the back seat, trying to get me to turn around and look at the bucket he had on his lap.  I kept saying "I know you don't have a bucket on you, Jonah...I can't turn around while I'm driving..." But he kept insisting.

Then he says "its invisible."

Which triggers a memory of something he mentioned the other day about his teacher talking about how they each have buckets.  He may have missed some details about how to fill up these buckets...but, basically he was connecting that a full bucket is when you're happy and an empty bucket is when you're not...and little things happen that either fill or empty your bucket.

So, as I convey my understanding...He tells me his bucket got a little bit empty when he wasn't allowed to sit with Drew at circle time.

His first of many drops out of a full bucket...and I wasn't there.

I do hate that a little bit. 

But I do love to see how already...in just a few days...he has experienced such joy and such independence and had so much fun learning new things...and I am so proud of that little boy...and grateful even more, that I get to be his Mama...and that I can spend time with both my boys...and consider it a great great privilege and blessing to be raising them...

Increasingly so...I am a happy little Mama.  The seven hours a day that I now DON'T get to spend with Jonah...make me so much more grateful for the remaining 6 that I do.

Kindergarten

This is my baby's first day of kindergarten...He did so well, that dear boy of mine...Jay and I both took him to school, as the school request you do that on their first day of kindergarten...he was pretty excited...but once we stepped into his classroom and reality was setting in a bit, he got a little nervous...and a little teary when it was time for us to go...I gave him a Kleenex to put in his pocket if he needed it...when he came home on the bus that day...he told me he didn't need his Kleenex, 'cause he wasn't sad for long at all. So -- that's good!! I knew he'd do great...and every day since, he's done well...its still not quite real to me that this is now the new normal...I miss him...I think about him soo many times during the day...I'm used to spending all day, every day with him...I really do miss him.  But I'm so so happy he's enjoying school...and I LOVE when he gets off that bus and comes in and tells me about his day while he eats his snack.

I'm so happy that his little friend Hunter is in his class...Hunter and Jonah have known each other since they were babies...and I'm so happy they get to play together every day now.

Seriously. Where does the time go????? I love this kid. I am so proud of him.  He comes home every day from school and tells me all about his day...and its strange, to have so many hours that I am not with him...but its such a relief to know he is happy and having fun...and I'm so grateful I get to be here when he gets off the bus, and that I still have over 4 hours to spend with him before he is completely exhausted...I'm still so grateful that I get to be home instead of working and missing out on time with these boys. 

And its been really nice spending more one-on-one time with Levi...the first two days Jonah was in school, Levi was soo so happy!! He just seemed delighted to have my full attention!! Now yesterday and today, I think the novelty wore off a bit!! haha....he seemed to be missing Jonah a little today.  But I am enjoying having some time to spend with Levi...and he is changing so much - learning new words every day...and just developing his little personality more and more. He is BUSY!!!! Does not stop moving...until I take him to bed...which he fights sometimes...but by the time I step into his room, his head is snuggled in to my neck, and his thumb is in his mouth...and he is more than happy to lay down in his bed with his blankie...he seems to say 'menay' like Jonah did, about his little blankie...and he LOVES LOVES that little blue blankie.

I'm exhausted tonight...but felt like I should record SOMETHING about Jonah's first few days of school...I tend to spend more time on my ipad these days than on my laptop...and though I've gotten much better at typing on my ipad, I still can't quite imagine doing a whole blog post on it...so I have to make it more of a point to actually turn my laptop on so I can write on here...

So. that is all for tonight.

School

I bought Jonah a BACK PACK today for school. Like...my kid. is going. to school. in four. days. I'm not ready for this. I froze a piece of our home-made pizza tonight, so he can take it in his lunch. at school.  Where he will open his lunch box himself, and sit at a little desk and eat his lunch and spend 6 hours a day away from me. How is this possible?? Isn't he, like...2??? or maybe 3??????

That is all.

getting back into the groove

...and oh my soul...I forgot how at the end of the day, I near wanna pull my hair out...or Jonah's hair...or someone's -- anyone's -- hair. Levi is as exhausting as he is cute...the boy is vocal, and stubborn and bu-sy!!!! good grief, that child never.stops.moving. Its funny, though, 'cause he doesn't seem to mind being confined to his stroller, or car seat, or high chair...once we get him there...but, unless he's strapped down...he is on the move.  We went to visit some friends tonight for dinner...and I wondered 10 minutes in why in the world I thought I'd have a chance to catch up with my friend...and why in the WORLD I thought I wouldn't need to bring his high chair??? Thank goodness these friends have literally had dozens of kids in and out of their home over the years, with 5 of their own, and dozens of foster children over the years -- they are laid back, and very non-judgey...and still a joy to be around, even if the conversation is interrupted every...oh, 5 seconds or so...

Pretty much FINALLY got most of our stuff from the summer put away today...now, to find places for the things my dear mother is slowly, but surely sending down to our house...she re-decorated, spruced up, re-organized, took advantage of the fact that we weren't home and couldn't refuse her things she was donating...offered to freshen our house up just before our renters arrived this summer...and...we have a few little extra's hidden in various locations in our house...and some other extra's my great-aunt so graciously gives us every time Mom goes through Moncton...to add to our already over-stocked house that is quickly running out of storage and floor space...and its driving me crazy. Sorry, Mom. I wouldn't say I'm a pack rat...and I wouldn't say I'm a minimalist, but...I am really finding the lack of storage, and all these toys and books and blankets and STUFF that I have no space for...a little overwhelming.  A Yard Sale seems like so much work, but...I think it is going to have to happen in the near future, or this Mama is gonna lose.her.mind.

But -- its Friday night...we have just completed a download of a movie...Jay has just woken up from a power nap...and...I'm signing off.  Randomness...I don't put much thought into these posts...I write...don't re-read...hit 'publish'...and that's it...that's how this blog rolls...won't be making it into the Top Ten Blogs to Read List or anything, but...sometimes it just is nice to sit down and type a few words for the cyberspace world. You're welcome.

too much to process...

I don't even know how to begin to write about:

• a summer immersed in a Christian community at the place we began our married life together ten years ago...first time back in 8 years...'doing ministry'...uprooting my little family and plopping ourselves into a fish-bowl life...with two little boys in tow...and how different I feel at the end of it than I did in the beginning...or even half-way through, for that matter...
• leaving our car in a junkyard in New York...getting 200 bucks for scrap metal...
• coming home, and all the kindness and generosity we were shown from people having pity mercy on us...a friend who drove 30 hours in 2 days to rescue us and bring us home...
• how home is awesome...but things are different...
• my Dad is not well...and though I've never before dreaded getting old...I do now
• my best friend moved away
• my baby only has a few more days before he goes to kindergarten and life as we know it...changes again
• my church...is still 'in transition'...and I have no idea where I fit...
• I see people around me striving and seeking goals and ambitions...and I have no idea what mine are...within the four walls where I sit...or outside...I reprimand myself for my lack of discipline...and reprimand myself for feeling like I need it...I'm a mess.
• I consider a paleo diet...yet can't seem to stop eating junk food
• I bought a car that will fit a third child in the back seat, yet I wonder if that will be necessary...and am not quite ready to go down the road of 'trying' just yet...and wonder if I even have the patience for a third child...I'm barely hanging onto any smidgen of patience as it is, these days.

So. there ya have it. my first entry in quite some time.

Nice to get THAT down on paper...errrr....screen.

Levi - 18 months (and almost a week...2nd child syndrome, folks...no big deal)

So, to celebrate Levi's 1 and a HALF birthday last Tuesday...we took him to the Bronx Zoo - which he loved! I am pretty sure the pigeons flying around that place were his favorite, though -- go figure. 

This little fella is changing so much! We've only been gone a month, but it seems like he has changed soo much in the past month.  I didn't get a picture with his lion, but -- here is a picture to commemorate him on the day he turned 18 months...here we are, eating breakfast at the Carmel Diner...where Jay and I had our first date! :

So...some fun little facts about Levi....he is obsessed with balls!! Every time we walk by the basketball court, or even in peripheral vision from it...he starts excitedly chanting: "ballllll!!! ballll!!!!"  He's very independent -- (read: strong willed) -- and likes to do things the way HE wants to do them...he is very 'vocal' about it if you try to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.  Which is often around here lately...he's cute, right?? So everyone wants to hold him and tickle him and pick him up.  And he does.not.like it.  And he communicates it well, too.  He's more of a 'from a distance' kind of person...he flashes smiles and says 'hi' to everyone...but as soon as they come near him, he's not interested. Though the other day there was free time for the campers, and everyone was hanging around on the pavement in front of the dining hall, skipping rope, playing with sidewalk chalk, water guns...and he was right in the thick of it - kids picking him up and everything...and he was un-phased.  Who can figure this kid out, I don't know.  Anyways...I'm hoping the exposure to so many people will soon feel a little more 'normal' for him and he won't be so clingy. This kid LOVES his Mama, that's for sure.  He has the hugest smile, beaming from ear to ear when he sees me...even if it is only mere seconds since he last layed eyes on me.  He squeals in delight every time I get him from bed.  Which he climbed out of this morning, by the way.  Jonah and I were in the kitchen eating breakfast, and Levi comes walking around the corner like it ain't no 'thang.  Okaaaaaayyyy. not sure what to do about THAT.  He's still sleeping in his play pen.  And he is still a really good sleeper - still naps around 2-3 hours in the afternoon -- and 12-13, sometimes more, at night....he's usually up at least an hour later than Jonah in the morning (they still share a room).  He loves his blue blankie...but doesn't seem to be too bothered with stuffed animals. 

He loves playing with trucks and blocks.  Just lastnight, Jonah and Jay were up at the chapel watching a movie with the campers, and I had some one-on-one time with Levi...and it was the sweetest thing, reading books with him and snuggling -- he was so happy, I put him to bed a half hour later than normal -- he just seemed so delighted to be hanging out with just me! 

He is learning new words every day: today he said "Mammie" when we were talking on Skype with her -- his first time!! He says Papa, ball, bath, hair, Da-da, Mama, Jo-Jo (there is a kid here named Jo-Jo...we're still not sure if he thinks of Jonah when he says it...or every white kid around that size...), baby, bye-bye, "goggie" (doggie), Elmo (I can't type exactly what he says for Elmo, its a sing-songy little voice he uses, like "ee-ooo"), he says a sound for Cookie monster and Big Bird too, which I won't bother attempting to type.  He knows what a lion says and a monkey says.  He can point to his toes, hair, belly, eyes, nose, teeth, and hands.  He seems to understand so much of what we say.  He's getting more and more verbal all the time, but -- so far doesn't seem nearly as 'chatty' as I remember Jonah being at the same age.  He's very happy - but selective with who he shares his happiness with...he seems a little on the shy side.  He loves to dance!!! Loves music - he sings 'na - na naaaa' (to the tune of lullaby) when he's tired and when we are snuggling him before bed.  I would never have said he's a picky eater, though with this camp food, it seems that he has become one. But then again, so have I...

He loves his shoes! Its one of the first things he wants when he first gets out of bed in the morning, to go and put his shoes on.  His little blue crocs. Which broke yesterday. yikes.  He loves going in the car - loves being in his stroller -- really, he loves to be outside and doing things! 

He's a very busy little baby...does not sit still!! Which is interesting when we try to take him to chapel...he does okay during the singing, but we usually end up leaving when any amount of talking happens! 

He still loves milk...the milk tastes different here, but - I think he has finally gotten used to it! He still uses a sippy cup - but finally learned to drink out of a straw a couple weeks ago!! He wants lemonade whenever we have it...which seems to be our beverage of choice these days -- and he loves it! He prefers to drink out of a real cup...but he's still quite messy with it.  He loves cheese, and oatmeal...and cookies...and anything with flavour...doesn't seem too delighted with the camp food, but when we go out to eat, he gobbles it up!  Bread is his favorite food group, I think!

I am probably missing many of the things that make him 'him'...but this boy...he seriously melts our hearts...we are all just smitten with him (unless he is being 'vocal' about his unhappiness...then we all get fairly annoyed with him! poor fella) -- and he is just a sweet little snuggle bug...I feel like around camp he has a bad reputation for being grumpy and unfriendly...but in his circle of comfort, he is just a sweet, lovable, cuddly, funny little darlin'...he loves to tease and make us laugh! I am beyond grateful that I get to be this little boy's Mama...Time goes so fast -- but with all the things he's learning...I'm glad he still seems like such a baby sometimes, too...he's growing and healthy, but still has such a 'baby-ness' about him that I love...I love the age he is at right now, learning so many new things, so aware and interested in the world around him...he's so smart - so funny and sweet and awesome...I love you, Levi Wilson Paulino.

written Sunday, June 23...orientation is over...camp begins!

We survived staff orientation at Camp Joy. just barely. 

I knew they would be my hardest weeks (I hope I haven't spoken too soon!!), as the days were very long, and Jay was in sessions all day long...with a few little breaks we could join him for...but for the past two and a half weeks...I have been doing 97% of the parenting...with a little 18 month old who is very clingy and nervous of people...and busy...and not loving the heat or the food. oh my soul. please please let actual CAMP be better, Lord. please.

Jonah is in NYC as we speak with Jason and most of the counsellors for the first day of registration...they take a bus in and pick up the kids...should be back to the camp in the next hour and a half, hopefully.  And it is HOT!!! I have air conditioning in my bedroom, and I still find it quite warm. 

Jonah is so pumped for the kids to get to camp! I really hope camp is what he imagines it to be...I hope he is as excited after the kids actually GET here as he has been anticipating their arrival.  He is so much like me...I am afraid he puts too much mental energy into things, and his expectations are so high about excitement and relationships and time together! I hope this summer will truly be an amazing experience for him.  For all of us, really. Its not been super easy so far...just the long days of Jason 'doing ministry', while I still have the needs of the kids to try to handle...that dis-connect that comes on all sides when there are so many distractions.  Jason has a big responsibility this summer...to lead camp...and still lead his family...to be handling the needs of his leadership team, his counsellors, his campers...his wife...and his own two boys.  We are remembering now why ministry can be so hard on a family...but: we believe God brought us here and has a purpose in our being here...and we will try to trust Him...and let Him use us to show everyone who glances our way...what it looks like to love Jesus, and love others. Not an easy task.  And not possible when I put the expectation on myself...I've already fallen short...its hard.  I realize how very selfish I am and how I can so easily grow bitter and critical when things aren't going my way...or when I am tired, defeated, frustrated, resentful of time others are getting from Jay that I feel I deserve...'cause I have certainly felt all those things and then some the past couple weeks.  But...I was reminded again yesterday, of the importance of choosing to be thankful...of intentionally looking for the joys and gratitudes...and there are, indeed...many. 

So...on this super hot day, waiting for the first session of Camp Joy kids to arrive...as I listen to my waking babe down the hall...I am grateful that God is showing me new mercies every day...that His love and attitude towards me are still loving...and He's offering me mercy again...today.  I need Him.  In this spiritual community...I often feel cynical...I look around at those 'kids' who are experiencing 'highs'...knowing the 'lows' are likely just around the corner...seeing their immaturity and naivety...and instead of joining in on their spiritual highs...I sit on the side-lines, being smug and 'common sense' about spiritual journeys...but I am ashamed at my attitude, and grateful for His grace...still ever-grateful for His goodness...and asking Him to help me to SEE.......Jesus.  To give me a greater hunger for His Word...and to be humble enough to know He has brought me here not just to use me...but to work in me...to show me He's still changing lives...and begging Him to change mine...that I will be more in love with Him...that I will stop GETTING IN THE WAY.  I need so much more patience...and a heart that is gracious and full of compassion. full of Him.  I type because I can look back on these words and remember that God is working and stirring  in me to love Him and trust Him and stop wishing time away....things come and go too quickly to be always wishing for something else.  Erin and I always say 'wherever you are...be all there..." a motto I need to live by this summer.