written Sunday, June 23...orientation is over...camp begins!

We survived staff orientation at Camp Joy. just barely. 

I knew they would be my hardest weeks (I hope I haven't spoken too soon!!), as the days were very long, and Jay was in sessions all day long...with a few little breaks we could join him for...but for the past two and a half weeks...I have been doing 97% of the parenting...with a little 18 month old who is very clingy and nervous of people...and busy...and not loving the heat or the food. oh my soul. please please let actual CAMP be better, Lord. please.

Jonah is in NYC as we speak with Jason and most of the counsellors for the first day of registration...they take a bus in and pick up the kids...should be back to the camp in the next hour and a half, hopefully.  And it is HOT!!! I have air conditioning in my bedroom, and I still find it quite warm. 

Jonah is so pumped for the kids to get to camp! I really hope camp is what he imagines it to be...I hope he is as excited after the kids actually GET here as he has been anticipating their arrival.  He is so much like me...I am afraid he puts too much mental energy into things, and his expectations are so high about excitement and relationships and time together! I hope this summer will truly be an amazing experience for him.  For all of us, really. Its not been super easy so far...just the long days of Jason 'doing ministry', while I still have the needs of the kids to try to handle...that dis-connect that comes on all sides when there are so many distractions.  Jason has a big responsibility this summer...to lead camp...and still lead his family...to be handling the needs of his leadership team, his counsellors, his campers...his wife...and his own two boys.  We are remembering now why ministry can be so hard on a family...but: we believe God brought us here and has a purpose in our being here...and we will try to trust Him...and let Him use us to show everyone who glances our way...what it looks like to love Jesus, and love others. Not an easy task.  And not possible when I put the expectation on myself...I've already fallen short...its hard.  I realize how very selfish I am and how I can so easily grow bitter and critical when things aren't going my way...or when I am tired, defeated, frustrated, resentful of time others are getting from Jay that I feel I deserve...'cause I have certainly felt all those things and then some the past couple weeks.  But...I was reminded again yesterday, of the importance of choosing to be thankful...of intentionally looking for the joys and gratitudes...and there are, indeed...many. 

So...on this super hot day, waiting for the first session of Camp Joy kids to arrive...as I listen to my waking babe down the hall...I am grateful that God is showing me new mercies every day...that His love and attitude towards me are still loving...and He's offering me mercy again...today.  I need Him.  In this spiritual community...I often feel cynical...I look around at those 'kids' who are experiencing 'highs'...knowing the 'lows' are likely just around the corner...seeing their immaturity and naivety...and instead of joining in on their spiritual highs...I sit on the side-lines, being smug and 'common sense' about spiritual journeys...but I am ashamed at my attitude, and grateful for His grace...still ever-grateful for His goodness...and asking Him to help me to SEE.......Jesus.  To give me a greater hunger for His Word...and to be humble enough to know He has brought me here not just to use me...but to work in me...to show me He's still changing lives...and begging Him to change mine...that I will be more in love with Him...that I will stop GETTING IN THE WAY.  I need so much more patience...and a heart that is gracious and full of compassion. full of Him.  I type because I can look back on these words and remember that God is working and stirring  in me to love Him and trust Him and stop wishing time away....things come and go too quickly to be always wishing for something else.  Erin and I always say 'wherever you are...be all there..." a motto I need to live by this summer.