I am not in a real 'write-y' mood, but just turned on my laptop to sync my music to my ipad, and...well -- its on, so...why not write a quick little post?
I will say the 'year of depression', as Erin and I refer to...well -- more than just 'one' year of depression...is lifting. I know it will likely return, as it seems to every other year or so! ha! its my thorn in the flesh...when I'm up, I'm up...when I'm not...I'm consumed with the crazy place of my mind...its awful. but -- I am finding my joy again these days...I have found myself in such deep anxiety over the past year and a half (at least!!) with church, relationships, parenting, etc...and I am delighted that God is giving me hope...He is restoring my soul...He is teaching me, and rebuking me and changing me...and offering me mercy when I stumble back into unhealthy thoughts and insecurities...He is using His Word, His people...His Spirit, music, sermons, books...Spring! and sunshine, and sweet snuggles from my babies, and tender loving and patience from my husband...and new relationships, and a heart that sometimes, not often enough...takes my focus off myself and looks at others, long enough to see that I have GOT to get my eyes off myself if I am ever going to have joy...because self-centredness is not going to make me a more loving or godly or patient or lovable, for that matter...person. As I open myself up again to people, and do what brings me the greatest joy: connect with people...get to really know them...I am reminded of at least a part of who I am, that God has made me...and as I seek to encourage and know others, and not just see how I've been forgotten or rejected, or what I've lost...I see how He is restoring me...healing me...little by little.
Was that just one big, long run-on sentence??? wow...
anyways. I don't generally go back and edit before I hit send...I'm not a 'writer'...I don't have a large 'audience'...I'm just writing...as fast as I can before my battery dies...so...I tend to write as I think...and am likely not grammatically correct. oops.
This puppy is at my feet, trying her hardest to get me to throw her toy to her...oh my soul. Even when the kids are in bed, I am at the mercy of a little one. geesh.
So -- we are enjoying our new church. I have been going to a ladies Bible Study for a couple months now, which is really nice - a pretty small group, and we are studying 'gifts'...so its interesting, and good for letting us get to know each other a little deeper, too...and they have made me feel so welcome, and just a real 'part' of the group. Its so nice to be with girls who talk about reading the Bible, and express love for the Lord, their husbands and kids and their church...not that our old church didn't have that...but a lot of things have been so messed up in the last couple years, especially...there wasn't a lot of encouraging going on...so, I am just feeling so encouraged and blessed and enjoying this group. And we have been talking to Jonah as openly as we could over the past number of months, regarding church...trying to keep up with his feelings and opinions. He has been sad about losing our church...has had a lot of questions over the months about where everyone is....and we have been honest as we can be with a 5 year old...and I asked him the other day, again, if he still missed our old church...and he said he did a little, but he was happy at our new church and glad we were there. (It helps that we had a family over for supper the night before and when we went to church on Easter Sunday, he was delighted to have '3 friends there now!' instead of just one!...) so. I am grateful for that too.
Anyways...lots still swirling around this mind of mine (that won't change, happy or not!!) ha! but...my battery is dying, and the cord is hard to reach, and I will be mad if this all gets deleted. so...bye for now.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Winter
We talk about the weather here in Prince Edward Island. A lot. I think we've had record snowfall amounts this winter -- and the longest consecutive days off school I can remember in my lifetime: Jonah finally went back to school on a one-hour delay today after 5 days in a row (plus the weekend!) off for snow days. Insane!!!
I admit there were some stir-crazy, get-me-out-of-this-house-and-away-from-these-kids!! kind of days...but...for the most part, I enjoyed us all being cozied up and home together. Jason even had three snow days in the past week! His boss is retiring in June and finally having a little bit of sensibility to cancel and not have these poor people driving all over creation and pushing wheelchairs in the blizzards and freezing rain. So...its been a long while since life has felt 'normal' around here -- March Break was two weeks ago, so there have been a lot of non-routine type days lately. I'm not really a 'routine' type of girl anyways, so it hasn't bothered me. This morning I read one of my friend's posts on facebook saying she kind of missed her kids. Funny that that stood out to me!! But...it seems most people are getting sick of all the time they're spending with their kids...so, to hear of someone who wasn't...it stood out to me. Now...I know there are days that spending time with your kids is just a little...crazy. I don't have a lot of stay-at-home mom friends these days...and I can't speak from experience what its like to be a 'working' Mom...but...I do know what its like to be a mom who stays home. I've been doing it almost 6 years. And I don't savour every moment and count it all joy each and every moment of the day, that's for sure...but...I am soo incredibly grateful that I can do this. I have a lot of people who comment that it 'must be nice' to be able to stay home...like we're somehow rolling in the dough, and that's the reason we must be able to 'afford' for me to do so. Ummm...my husband works for a non-profit organization that barely pays its employees minimum wage...so...its certainly not because we are wealthy. Its a choice...one we have both made, and though our bank account and credit card debt might indicate otherwise...its one we still believe, the 'cost' is worth. Because there is a cost...in the decision to work, or stay home...or what job to do, where to live, what car to drive, what house to buy, how to educate your children...there's always a cost...and each family is different, and makes their choices...and though I wish we had more money...this is still our choice...we could easily double our income if I went back to work full-time, but...and there are days I wish I could get out of the house and have more adult connections and feelings of productivity than I do...I still would rather be the one raising my children, than paying someone else to. I still have a bit of a struggle even sending Jonah to kindergarten, where we spends the best part of his day with someone else...where he is one of 17 kids crammed into a room full of noise and activity and an adult who is managing them all, somehow...but not emotionally connected to each of them like their parents are. So, I still love the days I get to spend with him, even if he occasionally drives me crazy and we are cooped up inside and rummaging the cupboards and fridge to find something to eat and he is spending a little more time than the usual 20 minutes playing games on my ipad...and I am not nearly as productive as I wish I was, and I feel guilty about the lack of time they've spent outdoors playing and the lack of time I've spent reading, or crafting, or organizing, or being an awesome little home-maker...its just our life. And we are happy (most of the time!), and I am grateful...so, so grateful, when I actually sit down and think...about all that God is doing in my heart these days...which is still a work in progress, but all the healing He is doing regarding church and helping me move forward...I sit and contemplate what I have to be thankful for...and I remember...that is half the battle: actually looking for what I have to be thankful for...'cause there is always something...always multiple things, really...and I realize again, how truly blessed I am...sometimes I just don't sit down long enough to think about it...my love of TV gets in the way of that sometimes!! ha! But I have so much to be thankful for. And I love that the majority of my days are spent with the people I love the most on the entire planet. So lucky.
I admit there were some stir-crazy, get-me-out-of-this-house-and-away-from-these-kids!! kind of days...but...for the most part, I enjoyed us all being cozied up and home together. Jason even had three snow days in the past week! His boss is retiring in June and finally having a little bit of sensibility to cancel and not have these poor people driving all over creation and pushing wheelchairs in the blizzards and freezing rain. So...its been a long while since life has felt 'normal' around here -- March Break was two weeks ago, so there have been a lot of non-routine type days lately. I'm not really a 'routine' type of girl anyways, so it hasn't bothered me. This morning I read one of my friend's posts on facebook saying she kind of missed her kids. Funny that that stood out to me!! But...it seems most people are getting sick of all the time they're spending with their kids...so, to hear of someone who wasn't...it stood out to me. Now...I know there are days that spending time with your kids is just a little...crazy. I don't have a lot of stay-at-home mom friends these days...and I can't speak from experience what its like to be a 'working' Mom...but...I do know what its like to be a mom who stays home. I've been doing it almost 6 years. And I don't savour every moment and count it all joy each and every moment of the day, that's for sure...but...I am soo incredibly grateful that I can do this. I have a lot of people who comment that it 'must be nice' to be able to stay home...like we're somehow rolling in the dough, and that's the reason we must be able to 'afford' for me to do so. Ummm...my husband works for a non-profit organization that barely pays its employees minimum wage...so...its certainly not because we are wealthy. Its a choice...one we have both made, and though our bank account and credit card debt might indicate otherwise...its one we still believe, the 'cost' is worth. Because there is a cost...in the decision to work, or stay home...or what job to do, where to live, what car to drive, what house to buy, how to educate your children...there's always a cost...and each family is different, and makes their choices...and though I wish we had more money...this is still our choice...we could easily double our income if I went back to work full-time, but...and there are days I wish I could get out of the house and have more adult connections and feelings of productivity than I do...I still would rather be the one raising my children, than paying someone else to. I still have a bit of a struggle even sending Jonah to kindergarten, where we spends the best part of his day with someone else...where he is one of 17 kids crammed into a room full of noise and activity and an adult who is managing them all, somehow...but not emotionally connected to each of them like their parents are. So, I still love the days I get to spend with him, even if he occasionally drives me crazy and we are cooped up inside and rummaging the cupboards and fridge to find something to eat and he is spending a little more time than the usual 20 minutes playing games on my ipad...and I am not nearly as productive as I wish I was, and I feel guilty about the lack of time they've spent outdoors playing and the lack of time I've spent reading, or crafting, or organizing, or being an awesome little home-maker...its just our life. And we are happy (most of the time!), and I am grateful...so, so grateful, when I actually sit down and think...about all that God is doing in my heart these days...which is still a work in progress, but all the healing He is doing regarding church and helping me move forward...I sit and contemplate what I have to be thankful for...and I remember...that is half the battle: actually looking for what I have to be thankful for...'cause there is always something...always multiple things, really...and I realize again, how truly blessed I am...sometimes I just don't sit down long enough to think about it...my love of TV gets in the way of that sometimes!! ha! But I have so much to be thankful for. And I love that the majority of my days are spent with the people I love the most on the entire planet. So lucky.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
a jumbled mess...
...that is my mind these days. Its January. I expect it, to be honest. But -- its not just January. It has been a hard several months for me. a hard year, to be honest. I feel like I have experienced a lot of 'loss' in the past year. A lot that I've had to just accept and try to reconcile in my own mind, trying to figure out how to 'move on' in this complicated place that is my mind. I am a 'muller'...I don't consider myself to be a person who holds grudges, really -- I like to think I am a fairly level-headed person...I take responsibility for my short-comings and don't think I pass blame quickly...but...I mull things over in my mind...almost constantly. I am hard on myself...I don't handle change or loss well...I don't 'let go' of things -- or people, I should say -- easily...broken relationships...are hard for me. I think I am a loyal person - I hold on, I put a lot into my relationships...I like to think I do, anyways...its all a matter of opinion, I suppose...you may ask people on the 'receiving side' of my relationships if they feel like I put a lot into them...and they may feel I don't...I have no idea. Maybe I'm disillusioned and don't have a heart for others at all, who would know? But...my point is: my mind is a mess. I am constantly asking God to help me think on things that are true - to hear HIS voice and not be discouraged all the time by the relationships I've lost...because I know I am blessed to have some true, deep, and unbelievably beautiful relationships. Some of what I've lost in losing my church...is the reality that what was lost...wasn't as much a 'loss' in and of itself...as it was the reality that it wasn't what I thought it was...or tried to make it. I've hung onto a handle of those relationships...but when you're used to seeing so so many dozens and dozens of people on a weekly basis...and they gradually dwindle to...say...15????? its a loss. and a punch in the gutt...my church fell apart. like...literally...fell apart. it does not exist anymore. And we were there until the very end. All 15 of us. Week after week we showed up, wondering who would meet us...and it was like a reminder every week that life was going on without us....it became unbearable, honestly. I still cannot believe that 8 and a half years ago when we started going to our church, there were over 300 people...and we no longer exist. There are still groups of people meeting together in various churches around the area...but...its not the same. Anyone I talk to about it, feels the same...like they're not 'home' - not sure where they 'belong' - they miss the old church. And I do, too...but...there's not one thing I can do about it anymore. We are scattered. I don't even have the ability to reconcile myself with this 'church' because...everyone is everywhere...there are several relationships that I have tried, over and over again to try to connect with...and after awhile...the few that seem mutual...prevail. Jason has told me for years, he thinks I invest in the wrong people. I don't know when to give up. I pour my heart and soul into some people...and the realization that its not being reciprocated...stings a little. I feel responsible for every broken relationship. But why???? It is really, truly...not all my fault. Its in the reality of some of the truth depth and mutual CARE of many of my friendships...that I see the LACK of that, in others. And I need to tell myself its okay to let go. Never stop being loving and having a heart of approachability and acceptance....but...I need to know when to let go. Its not realistic that I should hold onto every relationship that has ever been in my life...things change...and its not all my fault. I do, however...have many people in my life, worth the effort...and the effort is reciprocated. I get so disappointed and discouraged and hurt when I feel misunderstood, and unappreciated....I feel most valued when I am pursued and listened to...not qualities many people like to put forth...its hard, putting someone else's needs above your own....but -- I've experienced it...I have felt so heard...by only a few...but...I have experienced it. And I know that true, true friendship...is rare. and beautiful...and the fact that I have more than one true friend..is a gift...and one I don't take for granted. I just need to stop counting my losses and dwelling on what I don't have...and being more grateful for what I DO have...it makes the loyal friendships that much sweeter. To love...and be loved...what a gift.
I have experienced a lot of anxiety the last few months especially. Its just grasping reality and walking through pain and loss, not just in my own life...but in the lives of those I love...life is getting harder...its not hard like, I'm hoping a certain boy likes me, or not having the nicest clothes, or not making good grades or having the car on Friday night...its hard, like...life and death...people walking out of your life...financial burdens, marriages failing, parents being sick, parents dying, friends not having babies...friends losing babies...
and I'm reminded that
I have experienced a lot of anxiety the last few months especially. Its just grasping reality and walking through pain and loss, not just in my own life...but in the lives of those I love...life is getting harder...its not hard like, I'm hoping a certain boy likes me, or not having the nicest clothes, or not making good grades or having the car on Friday night...its hard, like...life and death...people walking out of your life...financial burdens, marriages failing, parents being sick, parents dying, friends not having babies...friends losing babies...
and I'm reminded that
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” - CS Lewis
But I don't want to live with a hope for another world only....because I know I have the true Author of HOPE in me...now. today...and I am trying, desperately...to let Him have control of this jumbled mess, that is my mind...I need Him. I have listened to so many amazing messages about Jesus lately...and every time I am challenged and feel encouraged to hand things over...again, to Him...and He takes me and gives me new mercies...every. single. day. I lose heart so easily when I feel like people fail me...the grace I extend runs dry so quickly. But...He. Jesus -- He offers it to me over and over and over again.
I can't even understand that, really.
And I can't think of a great way to wrap this post up...but I'm tired of writing, so...this is it for now.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Levi is TWO!
ANNNNNYWAYS...
This kid...has quite a little personality! He doesn't seem to have as much of a 'people-pleasing' personality as Jonah does...he kinda does his own thing. He's not a performer - not crazy about having his picture taken...he does sooo many cute things...and inevitably stops once I go and fetch the camera to take a picture of record him. He loves to dance! He has rhythm! Can barely listen to music without raising his hands and shaking his hips...he's super cute. No-one makes him laugh like Jonah does...he is quite a fan of his big brother. He calls him 'N-ja'. He is not going to be a pushover - Jonah may be twice his size, but he can fight back if Jonah takes a toy from him. He's very vocal! He's saying a lot more words lately -- quite a little chatterbox! Jonah and Levi share a room, and Jonah often comes downstairs saying he can't sleep 'cause Levi keeps talking to him! haha -- so cute! Jonah is a chatterbox, too though...so I think he can handle a little taste of his own medicine!
Levi loves books!! It is about the only time I can get that kid to sit still, if I read him books. or strap him in his high chair and let him watch Sesame Street! He does love Elmo and Cookie Monster! And Thomas the Train. Jonah never liked Thomas - so I'm trying to convince him he likes Chuggington better since we have so many Chuggington trains and books! He does seem to enjoy that too! He does often wanna watch 'a show' - but doesn't sit still for very long to watch one! He likes family nights when we watch a movie all together - and he immediately goes and grabs blankets for all of us so we can snuggle together on the couch!
Levi loves to tease -- he's always pretending things are something different than what they are, to get a laugh out of us...and teases us with kisses and tickles. He loves making us laugh! And we do, often...he's quite entertaining! He still loves to cuddle - mostly before bed...and he loves his blankie, and sticks his thumb in his mouth when he's ready to go to sleep. He still LOVES milk! I go through the carton of whole milk for him quicker than the 2% that Jonah, Jay, and I all share...He's not a very big eater, but doesn't seem particularly picky about any specific foods. He loves cookies!
He's not overly big - though I haven't had him to the doctor in awhile to have him weighed. He's wearing 24 month clothing, mostly. He gets a lot of attention in the stores, flashing his smile and saying "hi" to everyone that walks by. But he can be finicky, too, about who he likes and doesn't like. As curly as Jonah's hair was at this age...Levi's is pin straight and very fine. We all just sit around watching him sometimes and cannot believe the cuteness of this little fella. I cannot imagine my life without this little boy.
He loves our little puppy, Sophie. He's always hugging her and sitting on her...I think Sophie likes the attention -- she's very patient with Levi!
He loves playing mini stick hockey -and loves the little golf club set his Mammie and Papa got him for his birthday...he's always running around the house with those sticks and clubs and hitting things!!
He's still a really good sleeper - usually naps a couple hours in the afternoon and is in bed most nights around 7:00 -- usually up around 7:00-7:30 - though the odd time he will sleep in past 8:00. The last couple of weeks, he's not as 'happy' to go to bed...he fights me a bit - but usually is quiet within a minute or two after I leave his room. He's been singing "God is so good" with us lately - and it is just the sweetest thing!
We love this little fella. He has added a lot of joy - and energy!! - to our home, for sure. I look forward to seeing his little personality continuing to develop, and am just so thankful I get to be his Mama. Our little Christmas miracle.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
worship
I love Jesus Culture...if I could sing like anyone, I'd probably sing like Kim Walker. That girl can sing, oh my word. I was listening this morning to them sing You Won't Relent, and the phrase that stuck out to me...
"I don't wanna talk about You, like You're not in the room.
Wanna look right at You, wanna sing right to You..."
I was thinking how odd it would be to sit in a room with a bunch of people...and talk about one of the people sitting there with you. To go on and on about that person, describing them, how you feel about them, what they've done for you and what they mean to you...with them sitting right there listening...like they're not there...instead of talking to that person.
I know Jesus is different...there are times we talk about Him and times we talk to Him. But I was thinking how much more it seems to actually BE worship when you're directing your thoughts, words, music, actions, whatever...TO HIM. I'm not trying to think of something new and profound to say about this...just have been thinking about it for the past hour...and wanted to write it down...so I think about it and remember.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
My man
So...Jay. Is not, by nature, a fighter. Which I love...but also it makes me crazy sometimes...because I...am ALSO not a fighter by nature...but sometimes I get worked up...I get analytical and introspective, and beat myself up, and criticize others, and get discouraged and disappointed...and I want him to join me and get riled up and fight and rant and join my side...or fight me and let me 'win', depending on the situation that is riling me up. But the truth is...when I push him, and press those buttons...and get him to the point of 'fight'...I hate it...I hate that I push that guy sometimes and make him be someone he's not and upset him and try to 'convince him' of whatever my point of view is...because...in ways...I'm a better fighter. But in other ways...he is. 'cause he's more level-headed...less led by emotions...which at times is not good...but...at times it is...because he's often...usually...led by his convictions...by what he feels is right and godly and 'others-led'.
Like...church. For so so so long...church has been such a conflict...such a source of discouragement and dissention and anger and hurt and disloyalty and stress and disunity and frustration...and...we have gone through major, major...MAJOR change over the past couple years...and especially the past year. It has been rough, rough going, to say the least. I have experienced incredible anxiety and distress on so many Sundays over the past year especially...there have been more times than I can count, that I thought we were done. Like, REALLY thought we were done. And yet...we keep showing up. Like suckers for punishment. Or...people not yet ready to give up. I don't know. I struggle with the idea that maybe we're just stubborn...hanging on when almost everyone else has walked away...and I do mean almost everyone. When we first started going to our church the summer of 2005...over 8 years ago...it was thriving! Over 300 people, busting out the seams of the little country church building they were meeting in...people driving from all across the Island and even from New Brunswick...just to come to church...there was a buzz about it...it was growing...it was ministering to broken people, our pastors were united and a power-house team of spreading love and grace...people loved our church...it was definitely bringing hope to people who were jaded and cynical, and showing grace and redemption to people who hadn't experienced either.
And without going into it all again...hashing it all out...here we are now. Not quite 30 people. We have lost MOST of our congregation...most of our leadership...most of our teens and kids...most of our families...both of our pastors...our name, our building, our location...and we are...bare bones, really. Almost everyone who has made church 'church'...are gone...either to other churches, other provinces...or no church at all. And we....remain. Not without conflict...not without sadness and the lure of the 'grass is greener on the other side'....for me, anyways. There are a couple of churches I know of that many of our people have gone to...some of them happy and settled...others still not quite there...and I wanna 'test it out'...see if I might be 'happier' somewhere else. I kinda wanna just show up and be ministered 'to'...too. I've spoken to many who used to come to church with us...who are now needing to go to church to 'rest' and just show up and not have to do anything, or talk to anyone or connect or get involved...and I GET THAT. I kinda want that too. But...
I have this husband...who is convicted that that is not what we should do. He continues to show up to the youth group he's been a leader of for the past number of years, even though all but one other leader has left...when a few years ago there were over 10 leaders...and sometimes close to 40 kids...and this past week they doubled their group of kids from the two weeks prior...and had 8. But...he's not discouraged...because he sees the opportunity to love these kids...to show them they matter, even if they aren't necessarily the 'cool kids'...to continue to play games and give them a devotion about Jesus and encourage them and love them and give them a snack...because those 8 kids love going...and they need to know they matter. And he is good at making the 'unimportant' people feel important. He does it every day at his job...he loves those people who sometimes can't communicate even a word to him...who can't give anything back, who certainly don't draw a crowd or have much to offer...but he shows up...looking for ways to love and encourage, even if they aren't the 'coolest'...even if its not a lucrative job with very good hours...because its an opportunity to show these people that someone cares...even if he is 'just a bus driver'. He's much more than that...
And he continues to show leadership in our little congregation...continues to show up and encourage and minister...and show the people remaining...that he hasn't given up on them. Which is important. There's a part of me that wants to leave and move on to bigger and better things...and I resent a tiny bit, honestly...that many of my family and friends have done that...all for various reasons...I want that freedom a little bit, too, honestly. But...I am challenged, too...by my husband...and his conviction to show up and give and minister and encourage, no matter if there's 300 or 30...because those 30 people...call that place home...even though the face of church has changed, our name has changed...we have...almost nothing, by comparison to what most churches have...but...there are 30 people who we love...who need to feel important and cared for...and that the idea of these people who are left, want to love the community around us...want to learn more about Jesus and how to show that love to others...even if we don't look like your typical church...even if we can't afford a pastor right now and our Sunday School consists of three or four kids...I want to be part of something where I am valued, where I can show up and have opportunity and be challenged to give of myself, and not just show up and expect to be 'fed'...I am glad that I have a husband who is different than I am...and that his example and leadership and loyalty and perseverance is not as flighty or selfish as mine. I need that challenge. I may have almost walked away a hundred times...and I don't know for certain what the future holds for us...but...for now...I am thankful to have a husband like I do...that man...drives me crazy sometimes. Absolutely. But...I have utmost respect for him, and am challenged daily by his ability and desire to minister to others...Not to say he doesn't need ME, as well...my high-and-low emotions and my flighty convictions and commitment...must have a place there too...right???
But. Its all grace. it is really ALL grace. That God just continues to pour His goodness and grace over me...despite my lack of commitment and my lack of vision and heart for others at times...that He lets me serve Him and experience Him...and be blessed by the kindness and love and encouragement...of so many...and...that I see HIM more clearly in the presence of some of the people He has placed in my life...and right now...I see His heart through seeing my husband...because Jesus...loves ME like I am the most important soul in the world...He pursues me and gives grace to ME and mercy to ME every morning...He gives me joy when I don't expect it...He offers me forgiveness and another chance to try again when I fail Him...He lets me read His Word and be spoken to even when I often, often fail to look there to hear from Him...He lets me SPEAK to Him...He lets me cry out to Him on the behalf of others who I love and hurt for so desperately...and He shows me that His care and compassion is far greater than mine...and He shows me His goodness and His love for me when He has chosen to let me be the recipient of such love and kindness from others...He has not forgotten me...I have been so unlovable...and He has never, for a moment, stopped loving me...or stopped showing up for me even though I have stopped looking for Him to show up...even in a tiny little congregation...its like I think He's forgotten us...or that He is meeting in some other churches' congregations, but maybe not in ours, because so many others have left...like I think perhaps we're the fools who keep showing up...and for what????
But...its not really, actually...about me. Or how I feel. Or how Jason feels, either, for that matter. But...his heart, his conviction...the wisdom I see in him from Him...I am grateful for. And as I anticipate church tomorrow morning...I want to go looking to meet with Him...looking for ways to allow Him to shine through me...to look to the hearts of the other ones who show up...and how I can love them and encourage them...and try not to feel discouraged by who doesn't show up...but to be encouraged by who does.
Wow. There's a few unedited ramblings I may or may not regret posting. But...its my blog. And how I am processing thoughts these days it seems. Others of you reading...probably checked out several paragraphs ago...I wouldn't blame you.
Anyways. That's all for now. This man I love...is sound asleep on the couch beside me...so I think we should head up to our comfy bed and get some rest after a busy family day celebrating Thanksgiving. The hike through the woods and the turkey and activity...is definitely causing me some sleepiness even though its only 10:30...
A good day. A good 24 hours, filled with goodness and things to be thankful for. I have much, much, much to be thankful for. I was taking note of some of it tonight...and reminded of the importance of actually 'counting your blessings'...which is why it is important to be intentional about recognizing the gifts. Something I fail to do too often. But...tonight. I'm grateful to have a husband who loves the Lord, who loves his family, and loves the world around him.
Like...church. For so so so long...church has been such a conflict...such a source of discouragement and dissention and anger and hurt and disloyalty and stress and disunity and frustration...and...we have gone through major, major...MAJOR change over the past couple years...and especially the past year. It has been rough, rough going, to say the least. I have experienced incredible anxiety and distress on so many Sundays over the past year especially...there have been more times than I can count, that I thought we were done. Like, REALLY thought we were done. And yet...we keep showing up. Like suckers for punishment. Or...people not yet ready to give up. I don't know. I struggle with the idea that maybe we're just stubborn...hanging on when almost everyone else has walked away...and I do mean almost everyone. When we first started going to our church the summer of 2005...over 8 years ago...it was thriving! Over 300 people, busting out the seams of the little country church building they were meeting in...people driving from all across the Island and even from New Brunswick...just to come to church...there was a buzz about it...it was growing...it was ministering to broken people, our pastors were united and a power-house team of spreading love and grace...people loved our church...it was definitely bringing hope to people who were jaded and cynical, and showing grace and redemption to people who hadn't experienced either.
And without going into it all again...hashing it all out...here we are now. Not quite 30 people. We have lost MOST of our congregation...most of our leadership...most of our teens and kids...most of our families...both of our pastors...our name, our building, our location...and we are...bare bones, really. Almost everyone who has made church 'church'...are gone...either to other churches, other provinces...or no church at all. And we....remain. Not without conflict...not without sadness and the lure of the 'grass is greener on the other side'....for me, anyways. There are a couple of churches I know of that many of our people have gone to...some of them happy and settled...others still not quite there...and I wanna 'test it out'...see if I might be 'happier' somewhere else. I kinda wanna just show up and be ministered 'to'...too. I've spoken to many who used to come to church with us...who are now needing to go to church to 'rest' and just show up and not have to do anything, or talk to anyone or connect or get involved...and I GET THAT. I kinda want that too. But...
I have this husband...who is convicted that that is not what we should do. He continues to show up to the youth group he's been a leader of for the past number of years, even though all but one other leader has left...when a few years ago there were over 10 leaders...and sometimes close to 40 kids...and this past week they doubled their group of kids from the two weeks prior...and had 8. But...he's not discouraged...because he sees the opportunity to love these kids...to show them they matter, even if they aren't necessarily the 'cool kids'...to continue to play games and give them a devotion about Jesus and encourage them and love them and give them a snack...because those 8 kids love going...and they need to know they matter. And he is good at making the 'unimportant' people feel important. He does it every day at his job...he loves those people who sometimes can't communicate even a word to him...who can't give anything back, who certainly don't draw a crowd or have much to offer...but he shows up...looking for ways to love and encourage, even if they aren't the 'coolest'...even if its not a lucrative job with very good hours...because its an opportunity to show these people that someone cares...even if he is 'just a bus driver'. He's much more than that...
And he continues to show leadership in our little congregation...continues to show up and encourage and minister...and show the people remaining...that he hasn't given up on them. Which is important. There's a part of me that wants to leave and move on to bigger and better things...and I resent a tiny bit, honestly...that many of my family and friends have done that...all for various reasons...I want that freedom a little bit, too, honestly. But...I am challenged, too...by my husband...and his conviction to show up and give and minister and encourage, no matter if there's 300 or 30...because those 30 people...call that place home...even though the face of church has changed, our name has changed...we have...almost nothing, by comparison to what most churches have...but...there are 30 people who we love...who need to feel important and cared for...and that the idea of these people who are left, want to love the community around us...want to learn more about Jesus and how to show that love to others...even if we don't look like your typical church...even if we can't afford a pastor right now and our Sunday School consists of three or four kids...I want to be part of something where I am valued, where I can show up and have opportunity and be challenged to give of myself, and not just show up and expect to be 'fed'...I am glad that I have a husband who is different than I am...and that his example and leadership and loyalty and perseverance is not as flighty or selfish as mine. I need that challenge. I may have almost walked away a hundred times...and I don't know for certain what the future holds for us...but...for now...I am thankful to have a husband like I do...that man...drives me crazy sometimes. Absolutely. But...I have utmost respect for him, and am challenged daily by his ability and desire to minister to others...Not to say he doesn't need ME, as well...my high-and-low emotions and my flighty convictions and commitment...must have a place there too...right???
But. Its all grace. it is really ALL grace. That God just continues to pour His goodness and grace over me...despite my lack of commitment and my lack of vision and heart for others at times...that He lets me serve Him and experience Him...and be blessed by the kindness and love and encouragement...of so many...and...that I see HIM more clearly in the presence of some of the people He has placed in my life...and right now...I see His heart through seeing my husband...because Jesus...loves ME like I am the most important soul in the world...He pursues me and gives grace to ME and mercy to ME every morning...He gives me joy when I don't expect it...He offers me forgiveness and another chance to try again when I fail Him...He lets me read His Word and be spoken to even when I often, often fail to look there to hear from Him...He lets me SPEAK to Him...He lets me cry out to Him on the behalf of others who I love and hurt for so desperately...and He shows me that His care and compassion is far greater than mine...and He shows me His goodness and His love for me when He has chosen to let me be the recipient of such love and kindness from others...He has not forgotten me...I have been so unlovable...and He has never, for a moment, stopped loving me...or stopped showing up for me even though I have stopped looking for Him to show up...even in a tiny little congregation...its like I think He's forgotten us...or that He is meeting in some other churches' congregations, but maybe not in ours, because so many others have left...like I think perhaps we're the fools who keep showing up...and for what????
But...its not really, actually...about me. Or how I feel. Or how Jason feels, either, for that matter. But...his heart, his conviction...the wisdom I see in him from Him...I am grateful for. And as I anticipate church tomorrow morning...I want to go looking to meet with Him...looking for ways to allow Him to shine through me...to look to the hearts of the other ones who show up...and how I can love them and encourage them...and try not to feel discouraged by who doesn't show up...but to be encouraged by who does.
Wow. There's a few unedited ramblings I may or may not regret posting. But...its my blog. And how I am processing thoughts these days it seems. Others of you reading...probably checked out several paragraphs ago...I wouldn't blame you.
Anyways. That's all for now. This man I love...is sound asleep on the couch beside me...so I think we should head up to our comfy bed and get some rest after a busy family day celebrating Thanksgiving. The hike through the woods and the turkey and activity...is definitely causing me some sleepiness even though its only 10:30...
A good day. A good 24 hours, filled with goodness and things to be thankful for. I have much, much, much to be thankful for. I was taking note of some of it tonight...and reminded of the importance of actually 'counting your blessings'...which is why it is important to be intentional about recognizing the gifts. Something I fail to do too often. But...tonight. I'm grateful to have a husband who loves the Lord, who loves his family, and loves the world around him.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
on writing
I've mentioned before that I don't claim to be a 'writer', or even a real blogger, for that matter...I have a blog, but...mostly 'cause it seems to be easier for me to write thoughts down here than to comfortably find a pen and write down on one of the many journals I have lying around here. I'm not sure why, 'cause I do actually enjoy the art of actually 'writing', rather than typing. But...I am concluding that, either way, I need to write. On paper, on computer...on random little pieces of paper...its how I process...how I remember. As I am watching my boys develop their little personalities and figuring out what makes them tick, what works or doesn't work to teach them or discipline them...I reflect on my own style of learning and being disciplined...
I was never an over-achiever academically, that is for sure. I was more interested in the social side of things. And I used to feel 'less-than' when report cards came out, or exam grades came in, because my grades were...certainly 'less than'. But I do wonder if it was just the style of learning, and the fact that I had to be good at memorizing...and I was for the most part, 'lecture' taught....I am a visual learner. I have to see something if its going to sink in to my brain. Which is why I always loved writing papers in school...it was about the only thing I enjoyed academically...the opinion ones more than the research ones, mind you...but still: writing. It helped me learn, it helped me process.
And I have been neglecting this art of writing lately. On purpose, in some ways...as I feel there is a lot going on in the world around me...that really does need processing...but instead of processing...all the thoughts and feelings and sadness and anxiety and emotion of it all...just keeps swimming around in my head and heart...occasionally showing itself in tangible ways...but mostly just swimming around...and lately it seems when the thoughts come to the surface...they are coming out in frustration...not at all aimed toward the cause of frustration...but at my little boys. Who don't seem to know how to be quiet when I need silence, or stop running around and being crazy when I need stillness.
But...its actually not their fault.
Not their fault that there is stress and sadness and sickness and heart-ache in the lives of so many that their Mama loves...and I internalize it all, and don't know how to not be able to do anything about most of it...and when I snap, and can't keep it all in or hold myself together...they are there...being the unfortunate recipient of said emotion and frustration...
And they are gracious, and forgiving and love their Mama despite it all. Its humbling, really. But, not fair.
So. I need to write...I'm not really the type to pour my heart and soul out onto a public blog, but...sometimes its not just pouring my heart and soul out...its recognizing and taking note of the little things...the sweet boys I get to raise and their adorable and peculiar and hilarious shenanigans...and food, and the great joy I seem to get out of making it and sharing it with my family...and pictures...and songs...and whatever else I feel like I need to write about to just...get it out!!! To notice, to be a little 'One Thousand Gifts' from time to time...I need it.
So...little blog...you need some more action. And you're about to get it.
This day, for the record...is gorgeous. Breezy and sunny and perfect...exactly as Fall should be.
I was never an over-achiever academically, that is for sure. I was more interested in the social side of things. And I used to feel 'less-than' when report cards came out, or exam grades came in, because my grades were...certainly 'less than'. But I do wonder if it was just the style of learning, and the fact that I had to be good at memorizing...and I was for the most part, 'lecture' taught....I am a visual learner. I have to see something if its going to sink in to my brain. Which is why I always loved writing papers in school...it was about the only thing I enjoyed academically...the opinion ones more than the research ones, mind you...but still: writing. It helped me learn, it helped me process.
And I have been neglecting this art of writing lately. On purpose, in some ways...as I feel there is a lot going on in the world around me...that really does need processing...but instead of processing...all the thoughts and feelings and sadness and anxiety and emotion of it all...just keeps swimming around in my head and heart...occasionally showing itself in tangible ways...but mostly just swimming around...and lately it seems when the thoughts come to the surface...they are coming out in frustration...not at all aimed toward the cause of frustration...but at my little boys. Who don't seem to know how to be quiet when I need silence, or stop running around and being crazy when I need stillness.
But...its actually not their fault.
Not their fault that there is stress and sadness and sickness and heart-ache in the lives of so many that their Mama loves...and I internalize it all, and don't know how to not be able to do anything about most of it...and when I snap, and can't keep it all in or hold myself together...they are there...being the unfortunate recipient of said emotion and frustration...
And they are gracious, and forgiving and love their Mama despite it all. Its humbling, really. But, not fair.
So. I need to write...I'm not really the type to pour my heart and soul out onto a public blog, but...sometimes its not just pouring my heart and soul out...its recognizing and taking note of the little things...the sweet boys I get to raise and their adorable and peculiar and hilarious shenanigans...and food, and the great joy I seem to get out of making it and sharing it with my family...and pictures...and songs...and whatever else I feel like I need to write about to just...get it out!!! To notice, to be a little 'One Thousand Gifts' from time to time...I need it.
So...little blog...you need some more action. And you're about to get it.
This day, for the record...is gorgeous. Breezy and sunny and perfect...exactly as Fall should be.
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