My man

So...Jay. Is not, by nature, a fighter. Which I love...but also it makes me crazy sometimes...because I...am ALSO not a fighter by nature...but sometimes I get worked up...I get analytical and introspective, and beat myself up, and criticize others, and get discouraged and disappointed...and I want him to join me and get riled up and fight and rant and join my side...or fight me and let me 'win', depending on the situation that is riling me up.  But the truth is...when I push him, and press those buttons...and get him to the point of 'fight'...I hate it...I hate that I push that guy sometimes and make him be someone he's not and upset him and try to 'convince him' of whatever my point of view is...because...in ways...I'm a better fighter. But in other ways...he is. 'cause he's more level-headed...less led by emotions...which at times is not good...but...at times it is...because he's often...usually...led by his convictions...by what he feels is right and godly and 'others-led'. 

Like...church.  For so so so long...church has been such a conflict...such a source of discouragement and dissention and anger and hurt and disloyalty and stress and disunity and frustration...and...we have gone through major, major...MAJOR change over the past couple years...and especially the past year. It has been rough, rough going, to say the least.  I have experienced incredible anxiety and distress on so many Sundays over the past year especially...there have been more times than I can count, that I thought we were done.  Like, REALLY thought we were done.  And yet...we keep showing up.  Like suckers for punishment.  Or...people not yet ready to give up.  I don't know.  I struggle with the idea that maybe we're just stubborn...hanging on when almost everyone else has walked away...and I do mean almost everyone.  When we first started going to our church the summer of 2005...over 8 years ago...it was thriving! Over 300 people, busting out the seams of the little country church building they were meeting in...people driving from all across the Island and even from New Brunswick...just to come to church...there was a buzz about it...it was growing...it was ministering to broken people, our pastors were united and a power-house team of spreading love and grace...people loved our church...it was definitely bringing hope to people who were jaded and cynical, and showing grace and redemption to people who hadn't experienced either. 

And without going into it all again...hashing it all out...here we are now.  Not quite 30 people.  We have lost MOST of our congregation...most of our leadership...most of our teens and kids...most of our families...both of our pastors...our name, our building, our location...and we are...bare bones, really.  Almost everyone who has made church 'church'...are gone...either to other churches, other provinces...or no church at all.  And we....remain.  Not without conflict...not without sadness and the lure of the 'grass is greener on the other side'....for me, anyways.  There are a couple of churches I know of that many of our people have gone to...some of them happy and settled...others still not quite there...and I wanna 'test it out'...see if I might be 'happier' somewhere else.  I kinda wanna just show up and be ministered 'to'...too.  I've spoken to many who used to come to church with us...who are now needing to go to church to 'rest' and just show up and not have to do anything, or talk to anyone or connect or get involved...and I GET THAT.  I kinda want that too.  But...

I have this husband...who is convicted that that is not what we should do.  He continues to show up to the youth group he's been a leader of for the past number of years, even though all but one other leader has left...when a few years ago there were over 10 leaders...and sometimes close to 40 kids...and this past week they doubled their group of kids from the two weeks prior...and had 8.  But...he's not discouraged...because he sees the opportunity to love these kids...to show them they matter, even if they aren't necessarily the 'cool kids'...to continue to play games and give them a devotion about Jesus and encourage them and love them and give them a snack...because those 8 kids love going...and they need to know they matter.  And he is good at making the 'unimportant' people feel important.  He does it every day at his job...he loves those people who sometimes can't communicate even a word to him...who can't give anything back, who certainly don't draw a crowd or have much to offer...but he shows up...looking for ways to love and encourage, even if they aren't the 'coolest'...even if its not a lucrative job with very good hours...because its an opportunity to show these people that someone cares...even if he is 'just a bus driver'.  He's much more than that...

And he continues to show leadership in our little congregation...continues to show up and encourage and minister...and show the people remaining...that he hasn't given up on them.  Which is important.  There's a part of me that wants to leave and move on to bigger and better things...and I resent a tiny bit, honestly...that many of my family and friends have done that...all for various reasons...I want that freedom a little bit, too, honestly.  But...I am challenged, too...by my husband...and his conviction to show up and give and minister and encourage, no matter if there's 300 or 30...because those 30 people...call that place home...even though the face of church has changed, our name has changed...we have...almost nothing, by comparison to what most churches have...but...there are 30 people who we love...who need to feel important and cared for...and that the idea of these people who are left, want to love the community around us...want to learn more about Jesus and how to show that love to others...even if we don't look like your typical church...even if we can't afford a pastor right now and our Sunday School consists of three or four kids...I want to be part of something where I am valued, where I can show up and have opportunity and be challenged to give of myself, and not just show up and expect to be 'fed'...I am glad that I have a husband who is different than I am...and that his example and leadership and loyalty and perseverance is not as flighty or selfish as mine.  I need that challenge.  I may have almost walked away a hundred times...and I don't know for certain what the future holds for us...but...for now...I am thankful to have a husband like I do...that man...drives me crazy sometimes.  Absolutely.  But...I have utmost respect for him, and am challenged daily by his ability and desire to minister to others...Not to say he doesn't need ME, as well...my high-and-low emotions and my flighty convictions and commitment...must have a place there too...right???

But. Its all grace.  it is really ALL grace.  That God just continues to pour His goodness and grace over me...despite my lack of commitment and my lack of vision and heart for others at times...that He lets me serve Him and experience Him...and be blessed by the kindness and love and encouragement...of so many...and...that I see HIM more clearly in the presence of some of the people He has placed in my life...and right now...I see His heart through seeing my husband...because Jesus...loves ME like I am the most important soul in the world...He pursues me and gives grace to ME and mercy to ME every morning...He gives me joy when I don't expect it...He offers me forgiveness and another chance to try again when I fail Him...He lets me read His Word and be spoken to even when I often, often fail to look there to hear from Him...He lets me SPEAK to Him...He lets me cry out to Him on the behalf of others who I love and hurt for so desperately...and He shows me that His care and compassion is far greater than mine...and He shows me His goodness and His love for me when He has chosen to let me be the recipient of such love and kindness from others...He has not forgotten me...I have been so unlovable...and He has never, for a moment, stopped loving me...or stopped showing up for me even though I have stopped looking for Him to show up...even in a tiny little congregation...its like I think He's forgotten us...or that He is meeting in some other churches' congregations, but maybe not in ours, because so many others have left...like I think perhaps we're the fools who keep showing up...and for what????

But...its not really, actually...about me. Or how I feel.  Or how Jason feels, either, for that matter.  But...his heart, his conviction...the wisdom I see in him from Him...I am grateful for.  And as I anticipate church tomorrow morning...I want to go looking to meet with Him...looking for ways to allow Him to shine through me...to look to the hearts of the other ones who show up...and how I can love them and encourage them...and try not to feel discouraged by who doesn't show up...but to be encouraged by who does.

Wow. There's a few unedited ramblings I may or may not regret posting. But...its my blog. And how I am processing thoughts these days it seems.  Others of you reading...probably checked out several paragraphs ago...I wouldn't blame you. 

Anyways.  That's all for now.  This man I love...is sound asleep on the couch beside me...so I think we should head up to our comfy bed and get some rest after a busy family day celebrating Thanksgiving. The hike through the woods and the turkey and activity...is definitely causing me some sleepiness even though its only 10:30...

A good day.  A good 24 hours, filled with goodness and things to be thankful for.  I have much, much, much to be thankful for.  I was taking note of some of it tonight...and reminded of the importance of actually 'counting your blessings'...which is why it is important to be intentional about recognizing the gifts. Something I fail to do too often. But...tonight.  I'm grateful to have a husband who loves the Lord, who loves his family, and loves the world around him. 

on writing

I've mentioned before that I don't claim to be a 'writer', or even a real blogger, for that matter...I have a blog, but...mostly 'cause it seems to be easier for me to write thoughts down here than to comfortably find a pen and write down on one of the many journals I have lying around here. I'm not sure why, 'cause I do actually enjoy the art of actually 'writing', rather than typing. But...I am concluding that, either way, I need to write. On paper, on computer...on random little pieces of paper...its how I process...how I remember.  As I am watching my boys develop their little personalities and figuring out what makes them tick, what works or doesn't work to teach them or discipline them...I reflect on my own style of learning and being disciplined...

I was never an over-achiever academically, that is for sure.  I was more interested in the social side of things.  And I used to feel 'less-than' when report cards came out, or exam grades came in, because my grades were...certainly 'less than'.  But I do wonder if it was just the style of learning, and the fact that I had to be good at memorizing...and I was for the most part, 'lecture' taught....I am a visual learner.  I have to see something if its going to sink in to my brain.  Which is why I always loved writing papers in school...it was about the only thing I enjoyed academically...the opinion ones more than the research ones, mind you...but still: writing. It helped me learn, it helped me process. 

And I have been neglecting this art of writing lately.  On purpose, in some ways...as I feel there is a lot going on in the world around me...that really does need processing...but instead of processing...all the thoughts and feelings and sadness and anxiety and emotion of it all...just keeps swimming around in my head and heart...occasionally showing itself in tangible ways...but mostly just swimming around...and lately it seems when the thoughts come to the surface...they are coming out in frustration...not at all aimed toward the cause of frustration...but at my little boys.  Who don't seem to know how to be quiet when I need silence, or stop running around and being crazy when I need stillness. 

But...its actually not their fault. 

Not their fault that there is stress and sadness and sickness and heart-ache in the lives of so many that their Mama loves...and I internalize it all, and don't know how to not be able to do anything about most of it...and when I snap, and can't keep it all in or hold myself together...they are there...being the unfortunate recipient of said emotion and frustration...

And they are gracious, and forgiving and love their Mama despite it all.  Its humbling, really.  But, not fair.

So. I need to write...I'm not really the type to pour my heart and soul out onto a public blog, but...sometimes its not just pouring my heart and soul out...its recognizing and taking note of the little things...the sweet boys I get to raise and their adorable and peculiar and hilarious shenanigans...and food, and the great joy I seem to get out of making it and sharing it with my family...and pictures...and songs...and whatever else I feel like I need to write about to just...get it out!!! To notice, to be a little 'One Thousand Gifts' from time to time...I need it.

So...little blog...you need some more action.  And you're about to get it.

This day, for the record...is gorgeous.  Breezy and sunny and perfect...exactly as Fall should be. 

Invisible Buckets...

So....I think besides MISSING Jonah every day...the thing that is so weird about him being in kindergarten...is just imagining him spending all those hours away from me...sitting in his little class, building relationships, doing stuff...without me there to interfere...control him...discipline...observe and perhaps offer advice if need be!! I sometimes fear I am 'on him' too much...not always knowing that balance between shaping him and adjusting his behavior as needed...and just letting him be...him. 

He's always been really good at communicating his thoughts and feelings...and he's much more detail-oriented than I may have expected, considering who his Mama is...but, I love hearing him tell me things about his day...some of it prompted by me while he eats his snack after he gets off the bus...and little bits and pieces intersected within other 'less pointed' conversations...

He's been telling us about who he plays with at recess and who he sits with in his class...I try to encourage him to ask people questions...and especially their names so we can know a little more...and simply because its polite!

He has been hanging around with a little kid...we're pretty sure his name is Drew.  Drew asked Jonah to sit with him the other day, and it seems they have been buddies every since...he says Drew calls him 'friend' instead of 'Jonah.' Which seems very cute to me.  He says they laugh and play at recess and sit by each other in their classroom.

But today he told me his teacher said they can't sit by each other anymore, 'cause "they act too crazy."

Yikes.

He said they didn't get in trouble...and assures me his teacher never got mad at them...

But I just got to thinking...about how much of his day I can't observe...I can't be there to make sure he's acting the way he should act...I can't prevent anything from happening before it happens (like Mama's seem often, to be able to do!)...I can't discipline him after he's done something he shouldn't have...I can't tell him to stop throwing dirt at a kid who just threw sand in his eyes...even though all he did was throw dirt on the other kids' jacket...I can't make him eat the carrots I send in his lunch...I can't pick his friends, or tell him where to sit...I can't offer suggestions about what he should do at recess...

And I've really purposely not been a super structured, hyper controlling mother for his first five years of life...but I have tried really hard, to shape his character, to teach him to listen and be respectful and kind...and have taught him so much about Jesus love for him and how that love changes us and shows others that He is good...

And now all I can do is trust that while he is not under my watchful eye...he is still developing into the little person God has created him to be, and continue to do all I can when he is with me.

On the way in to pick up Jay from work...Jonah was in the back seat, trying to get me to turn around and look at the bucket he had on his lap.  I kept saying "I know you don't have a bucket on you, Jonah...I can't turn around while I'm driving..." But he kept insisting.

Then he says "its invisible."

Which triggers a memory of something he mentioned the other day about his teacher talking about how they each have buckets.  He may have missed some details about how to fill up these buckets...but, basically he was connecting that a full bucket is when you're happy and an empty bucket is when you're not...and little things happen that either fill or empty your bucket.

So, as I convey my understanding...He tells me his bucket got a little bit empty when he wasn't allowed to sit with Drew at circle time.

His first of many drops out of a full bucket...and I wasn't there.

I do hate that a little bit. 

But I do love to see how already...in just a few days...he has experienced such joy and such independence and had so much fun learning new things...and I am so proud of that little boy...and grateful even more, that I get to be his Mama...and that I can spend time with both my boys...and consider it a great great privilege and blessing to be raising them...

Increasingly so...I am a happy little Mama.  The seven hours a day that I now DON'T get to spend with Jonah...make me so much more grateful for the remaining 6 that I do.

Kindergarten

This is my baby's first day of kindergarten...He did so well, that dear boy of mine...Jay and I both took him to school, as the school request you do that on their first day of kindergarten...he was pretty excited...but once we stepped into his classroom and reality was setting in a bit, he got a little nervous...and a little teary when it was time for us to go...I gave him a Kleenex to put in his pocket if he needed it...when he came home on the bus that day...he told me he didn't need his Kleenex, 'cause he wasn't sad for long at all. So -- that's good!! I knew he'd do great...and every day since, he's done well...its still not quite real to me that this is now the new normal...I miss him...I think about him soo many times during the day...I'm used to spending all day, every day with him...I really do miss him.  But I'm so so happy he's enjoying school...and I LOVE when he gets off that bus and comes in and tells me about his day while he eats his snack.

I'm so happy that his little friend Hunter is in his class...Hunter and Jonah have known each other since they were babies...and I'm so happy they get to play together every day now.

Seriously. Where does the time go????? I love this kid. I am so proud of him.  He comes home every day from school and tells me all about his day...and its strange, to have so many hours that I am not with him...but its such a relief to know he is happy and having fun...and I'm so grateful I get to be here when he gets off the bus, and that I still have over 4 hours to spend with him before he is completely exhausted...I'm still so grateful that I get to be home instead of working and missing out on time with these boys. 

And its been really nice spending more one-on-one time with Levi...the first two days Jonah was in school, Levi was soo so happy!! He just seemed delighted to have my full attention!! Now yesterday and today, I think the novelty wore off a bit!! haha....he seemed to be missing Jonah a little today.  But I am enjoying having some time to spend with Levi...and he is changing so much - learning new words every day...and just developing his little personality more and more. He is BUSY!!!! Does not stop moving...until I take him to bed...which he fights sometimes...but by the time I step into his room, his head is snuggled in to my neck, and his thumb is in his mouth...and he is more than happy to lay down in his bed with his blankie...he seems to say 'menay' like Jonah did, about his little blankie...and he LOVES LOVES that little blue blankie.

I'm exhausted tonight...but felt like I should record SOMETHING about Jonah's first few days of school...I tend to spend more time on my ipad these days than on my laptop...and though I've gotten much better at typing on my ipad, I still can't quite imagine doing a whole blog post on it...so I have to make it more of a point to actually turn my laptop on so I can write on here...

So. that is all for tonight.

School

I bought Jonah a BACK PACK today for school. Like...my kid. is going. to school. in four. days. I'm not ready for this. I froze a piece of our home-made pizza tonight, so he can take it in his lunch. at school.  Where he will open his lunch box himself, and sit at a little desk and eat his lunch and spend 6 hours a day away from me. How is this possible?? Isn't he, like...2??? or maybe 3??????

That is all.

getting back into the groove

...and oh my soul...I forgot how at the end of the day, I near wanna pull my hair out...or Jonah's hair...or someone's -- anyone's -- hair. Levi is as exhausting as he is cute...the boy is vocal, and stubborn and bu-sy!!!! good grief, that child never.stops.moving. Its funny, though, 'cause he doesn't seem to mind being confined to his stroller, or car seat, or high chair...once we get him there...but, unless he's strapped down...he is on the move.  We went to visit some friends tonight for dinner...and I wondered 10 minutes in why in the world I thought I'd have a chance to catch up with my friend...and why in the WORLD I thought I wouldn't need to bring his high chair??? Thank goodness these friends have literally had dozens of kids in and out of their home over the years, with 5 of their own, and dozens of foster children over the years -- they are laid back, and very non-judgey...and still a joy to be around, even if the conversation is interrupted every...oh, 5 seconds or so...

Pretty much FINALLY got most of our stuff from the summer put away today...now, to find places for the things my dear mother is slowly, but surely sending down to our house...she re-decorated, spruced up, re-organized, took advantage of the fact that we weren't home and couldn't refuse her things she was donating...offered to freshen our house up just before our renters arrived this summer...and...we have a few little extra's hidden in various locations in our house...and some other extra's my great-aunt so graciously gives us every time Mom goes through Moncton...to add to our already over-stocked house that is quickly running out of storage and floor space...and its driving me crazy. Sorry, Mom. I wouldn't say I'm a pack rat...and I wouldn't say I'm a minimalist, but...I am really finding the lack of storage, and all these toys and books and blankets and STUFF that I have no space for...a little overwhelming.  A Yard Sale seems like so much work, but...I think it is going to have to happen in the near future, or this Mama is gonna lose.her.mind.

But -- its Friday night...we have just completed a download of a movie...Jay has just woken up from a power nap...and...I'm signing off.  Randomness...I don't put much thought into these posts...I write...don't re-read...hit 'publish'...and that's it...that's how this blog rolls...won't be making it into the Top Ten Blogs to Read List or anything, but...sometimes it just is nice to sit down and type a few words for the cyberspace world. You're welcome.

too much to process...

I don't even know how to begin to write about:

• a summer immersed in a Christian community at the place we began our married life together ten years ago...first time back in 8 years...'doing ministry'...uprooting my little family and plopping ourselves into a fish-bowl life...with two little boys in tow...and how different I feel at the end of it than I did in the beginning...or even half-way through, for that matter...
• leaving our car in a junkyard in New York...getting 200 bucks for scrap metal...
• coming home, and all the kindness and generosity we were shown from people having pity mercy on us...a friend who drove 30 hours in 2 days to rescue us and bring us home...
• how home is awesome...but things are different...
• my Dad is not well...and though I've never before dreaded getting old...I do now
• my best friend moved away
• my baby only has a few more days before he goes to kindergarten and life as we know it...changes again
• my church...is still 'in transition'...and I have no idea where I fit...
• I see people around me striving and seeking goals and ambitions...and I have no idea what mine are...within the four walls where I sit...or outside...I reprimand myself for my lack of discipline...and reprimand myself for feeling like I need it...I'm a mess.
• I consider a paleo diet...yet can't seem to stop eating junk food
• I bought a car that will fit a third child in the back seat, yet I wonder if that will be necessary...and am not quite ready to go down the road of 'trying' just yet...and wonder if I even have the patience for a third child...I'm barely hanging onto any smidgen of patience as it is, these days.

So. there ya have it. my first entry in quite some time.

Nice to get THAT down on paper...errrr....screen.