honesty

I like to think I'm an 'open' person, willing to share my heart and be vulnerable and authentic. But, I am really just learning to be that way...and far from being the type of person I want to be. Who isn't, though?! There is a part of me that is so deeply concerned with the needs of others, that I seem to forget how to reveal my own needs...and really - how is that being authentic?! I seem to present myself sometimes in a way that shows I am a happy, content person who doesn't really struggle with anything. soooo untrue. I may just not always have someone who is demanding my vulnerability and authenticity - and so, I can get away with pretending I'm 'fine'. I've owned up to some things in the past couple weeks, though. I've actually let some people 'in' (whether they wanted in or not!) - and I feel so much better for it. Actually admitting hurt, and actually talking to a handful of trusted friends about it...why don't I do that more?! They didn't seem one bit surprised by how I was feeling. I guess I'm not as deceiving as I thought. I am so grateful for the people in my life who let me be me, and love and accept me just the same.

Funny thing, though: my blog is still not public. For now, I kinda like it that way. I don't seem to mind a bit, delving into the minds of others through their blogs, but...I don't want someone seeing mine. just yet, anyways. that may be another lesson for another day. Today - this is my blog. For my eyes only. And perhaps those of the blog-spot owner's eyes. I'm sure they're thrilled.

We've reached another milestone in our boy's life: he is potty trained! Yay!! We started a week ago today, and I will say - he has done fantastic!!! I cannot believe how fast he caught on. The first day, we were wondering if we were going to lose our minds, but - the second day was much better, and by the 3rd day, he definetely had a pretty good handle on things, and each day has gotten better and better. I'm soooo proud of him!! He still won't really poop in the potty, but...I'm sure that will come! I can't believe I won't be buying more diapers for this little fella. (hopefully!) - he's still not 'night trained', but I don't think it'll take long. So, he's consumed quite a few Skittles, but - soo worth it for all he's accomplished!

Fall has proven to be a little cooler than I'd expected, but...I'm loving it - I feel like I'm getting into a bit more of a 'groove', and just enjoying being home, and getting organized, and cooking and baking (a bit) - and...we just went applepicking on the weekend! And I'm excited to bake some apple bread, crisps, pies, muffins, and just chomp on those fresh, crisp, delicious apples. Reminds me of growing up in the Valley - apple and pear orchards surrounding our home - my first "job" was picking the drops from the ground, and the smells and feel of being in the orchards reminds me of my sweet childhood. And I love re-creating memories from my childhood for my boy. I am enjoying more and more, this blessing of being a mama. I'm quite certain its what God created me for. Not that there aren't frustrating moments and days, but...I am delighted to be doing what I do, and raising such a wonderful little boy. He is a delight. Almost 2 and a half, I can hardly believe it. I was going through old clothes of his this morning to give to a friend, and I can't believe how much he's grown already - time flies. It is a challenge and a reward to savour these days...

my boy

I have spent a good part of the evening looking at old pictures of my baby...I can hardly believe the emotions it wells up inside me...for many reasons. He is growing up so fast - almost 2 and a half -- and everyone says how fast time goes - and i believed them, but -- my word - this is ridiculous! I've really honestly always tried to savor each day with him - not knowing if I'll be blessed enough with another child, I've really tried to enjoy each little stage, not wishing time away...but...I MISS all those little stages. don't get me wrong: I LOVE the stage he's in right now: I love watching him learn new things and new words every day - and it really does seem like every day lately brings something new, its crazy! I love seeing his personality develop, and understanding who he is - I feel like I know him so well. We always say how different he is when its just the 3 of us together. He is getting more and more confident and comfortable, though - letting others into his little world! It doesn't take much to win his affections - he's a pretty social, happy little guy! He loves to laugh - loves making other people laugh...I feel so blessed that our home is filled with so much laughter!! It is not filled with many tears. I don't know why, but - it had been such a long time since i had cried...until a few days ago. And what a release it was to just cry. I felt somehow 'cleansed' after...and i am grateful i had my husband there to just hold me. I asked him later how he knew i was sad and needed him - the tears didn't start until that moment he touched me. He just wanted to be close to me -- well: I needed him, and was so grateful for that touch - it was all I needed to let my emotions finally come out! See - I have been trying to have another baby...most of my friends know this - and its good to be able to have people to talk to about it, but...what i can't seem to be able to effectively communicate, even to myself...is that i ache to have another child. I want to say 'its not fair, this is such a good thing to desire, why won't You give this to me?' - I tell myself often, that if all i ever have is Jonah, then i'm nothing but grateful - he's more than i thought, at times, i would ever have. But...all my life, i have wanted a big family - being a mother has been my greatest heart's desire for as long as I can remember. And, though I am grateful to the depths of my heart for having one amazing little boy...I really want to have more. I want to carry another baby, I want to name another child, nurse another infant, and experience all the joys and difficulties of another newborn, toddler, etc...and i'm so afraid its not going to happen. I so badly want to have another baby. I try to trust God that He knows what's best - and I will, of course, be able to handle whatever He decides, with His help, but...I beg Him daily: please, God, let me have another baby. I don't feel like I'm done bearing children yet...I fear sometimes I am - but I believe He can give me a miracle. This is another plea, Lord - Please give me another baby of my own...You have blessed me beyond measure with Jonah - I want him to have a sibiling. I want him to have 3 siblings, but...please, at least just 1...I beg You...

vague-ness

I think I will acknowledge (to myself) that vague-ness typically drives me crazy. when people say something in a status on facebook, for example, that sounds very personal, and insinuates that people will know what he/she is talking about, when in reality, they are fishing for comments...or people sound like they're really 'letting you in', but are not giving enough details to make you feel like you're actually sure of what's going on, but not giving you opportunity to ask...or just never getting quite 'deep enough' in a relationship, even though conversations and time spent together is frequent. i have a very high expectation for my relationships, i think. i have experienced true and meaningful friendship, and surface relationships just don't cut it for me. i feel like i'm always analyzing my relationships, trying to figure out who is worth my time. not in a mean way, but...with a husband who works shift work, and a busy toddler, and 2 nights out a week with church things...i want to be spending what time i DO spend with people, to be people that are worth my time. i am a person who is typically genuinely interested in other people's lives. when i ask questions, i actually want to know the answers. when you pour out your heart to me, i love that...because it is the deepening of a relationship. however...i am not always good at being the one to 'pour out'. and its not because i don't have anything to say. its because not everyone asks - and when they do, i find myself gauging how much time i have to answer, and how interested they really are, because often i can be interrupted by listening, once again, to what the other person has to say. it can be my own fault. i know this about myself. i have a few people in my life, who are good to ask me questions, and loving enough to wait for the answers and dig a little deeper into my life. i have so much to say. i have so much on my heart...be prepared to get an earful if you ever ask and actually give me the time to share my heart.

that sounded like a rant. its not really. just a little explanation about me. which is why i'm not a good blogger - i don't know my 'audience' - and i fear what people will think, or if they will think i'm not being authentic...or that i'm painting my life to look a certain way...people generally write about the good things...i'm not good at sharing the 'bad things', anyways...but it doesn't mean i don't have difficult things in my life i am dealing with. so - for now...i'll keep it a little 'vague'. afterall, its my blog. and as far as i know, i'm the only one who knows about it.

Hello Fall!

So, i think its safe to say summer is officially over. what a weird beginning to September, though! We got back from Maine thinking our beach days would be long gone, but...alas - we had the hottest days of summer in September! crazy. then Earl came and took the summer with him. Fine with me, i guess...i truly love the Fall. i love the cooking - i love wearing sweatshirts and jeans, i love the fresh, local veggies (NOT from MY garden, mind you!) - though i have gotten a handful - and i do mean 'handful' - of tomatoes from my own little backyard garden...Jonah gobbled one up straight from the garden this morning...and i'm accepting the fact that i probably won't be harvesting much else from that sad little garden this year. There's always next year, right?!

We had such a great summer -- the theme everyone keeps saying is how busy it was. and i agree -- but it was good. i feel so fortunate to not have to spend my days working...for the most part, i get to be a wife and mama - and the few hours i work, are the few hours LESS i will be spending worrying about money...not that i don't worry about money - i think that will be a life-long battle for us, but...i'd rather make a little cash for those hours i would otherwise be spending worrying. so - its worth it right now for me to work my 8 hours a week. i think it really does affect Jonah, though, even just having me gone for a few hours. though, since we've gotten back from Maine, he's been sleeping in 'til almost 10:00 every morning, so he's not really missing that much time with me, since i get home at noon!!

And I will say, I am enjoying Jonah more and more. I love the age he's at right now -- almost 2 and a half! I can hardly believe he's that old! He's so much fun - quite a little character - a very happy, fun kid. He loves to laugh (go figure!) - and loves to make other people laugh. He gets that from the Bredins, I'm quite certain! Still a great little sleeper and a great eater - i feel very fortunate we don't battle with him about those two things - i know it is a struggle for some parents.

We're starting to help out with our church's youth group this year. Kinda scary a little bit -- its been 8 years since i've been a youth leader -- and MUCH has changed in my life since then. not that i was ever 'cool', but...i am certainly not possessing that 'cool-ness' factor right now...so, thinking about getting involved in teenagers' lives again is a bit intimidating. but - i'm excited, too! we're hoping to really have a community 'outreach' - there's a lot of kids in our town with nothing to do, so we're excited to see what God's going to do this year, and who He will bring out!

And...this is just an update. Still blogging for my eyes only. not sure if i will ever make this public, but for now, its just a little documentation of my thoughts...

jam makin'

I don't know why I never made jam before this summer. It is really, truly, one of my favorite things to eat: toast and jam. yuuuum!!! The process sort of intimidated me, but I got brave at the beginning of the summer, and have become a little jam-makin' machine...we have gone through....more jam than is right or healthy this summer, but...we love it!! Today's concoction was peach-blueberry...mostly because i didn't have enough peaches, but...i am excited to try it once it cools down! i did have a little bit on some ice cream, and...it did not disappoint...so - our late-night snack tonight will consist of fresh bagels and home-made jam.

Dinner, on the other hand...i find myself struggling MOST of the summer as to what to make. this summer our meals and schedule have been all over the place...not having any consistency for meals or routine...so, there is a small part of me that is looking forward to FALL...my favorite time of the year, anyways...and one where hopefully we can implement some sort of sanity into our daily lives. whatever that means.

We are heading to Maine in 2 days to see the fam...its been over a year and a half since we've seen everyone! I'm excited to see everyone, and for Jonah to meet his American family!! He is at such a fun age, and is so easily endeared to people who pay attention to him! I'm looking forward to it! Now, i'll see what i can come up with for supper, since we will, in fact, all be here tonight to eat together!

summer days

I love summer days. I love all the visits we get from people 'from away'. I was thinking this morning, how really blessed i am. i will have seen 4 of my 7 closest girlfriends from Bible school by the time this summer is through. that's pretty neat...and seeing each other's kids and being able to pick up where we leave off...what a blessing old friends are. and what a blessing to live in such a beautiful little island, with any number of beaches to choose from and drive to and see such BEAUTY. Jonah LOVES the beach - he is a true Island boy. just up for anything. i love that about him. he's so easy to lug around, and he loves going places and meeting new people. I debate sometimes whether he should miss a nap, whether we'll get back too late, whether he should sleep in his own bed, or we should put him in the pack-n-play at someone else's house...and he's really so adaptable...i feel very fortunate that we can cart him around so easily and he will go to bed so well at someone else's house. today, i am working, and this will be the first time i have had to pay someone else to look after him. between mom and Erin, and Jason when I'm working, we've been very fortunate that we don't pay someone to babysit. i don't mind paying someone to look after my kid -- he's worth it, for sure, but...i think i am realizing how lucky i am to have family close-by who love my kid and love spending time with him. and i wouldn't want to PAY someone else to look after him while i go off and work. i am happy i have a job that i don't have to work very much, and that i get to spend most of my time raising my little boy. its important to me. and, man, i love that kid. he is really so enjoyable to be around - he's so happy and funny, and just my dearest joy. well - i will be honest - Jason is really my dearest joy...and jonah is a close second. i would not be who i am without these two boys in my life. i love them with all my heart.