our old stompin' grounds

We're on vacation - and staying at a Bed & Breakfast in Woodstock, New Brunswick right now...haven't been in this town for soooo many years, and just being here brings back so many memories...our old NBBI days -- all the fun and friendships that were made in those 3 years...still to this day some of my very closest friends are friendships that began at 'the Institute'...and years after graduating...re-uniting with an old friend, and falling in love with that man who is laying beside me right now...what a beautiful thing to share my life with someone who shares so many of the same memories and friends. We're going to NBBI tomorrow to see a few friends, and hopefully have a little time to 'explore' before we head to Maine to visit his family. I love being here, and sharing this sweet little room with my husband and my little boy...Jonah was sooooo excited today -- such a great little traveller, just so happy to finally be on our trip!!

We all laid on his bed tonight and prayed, and his prayer was: "Dear God...thanks we're on our loooong trip...and Mama and Daddy are my best friends...and thanks for my special bed, and Mama and Daddy's special bed. Amen."

I love it. I do...for the most part, just love my little life.

pooping

...while I am glad my kid is finally pooping in the potty, after being potty-trained for over 9 stinkin' months -- it is annoying that the times he chooses to poop are when he's supposed to be sleeping in his bed - nap-time AND bed-time...argh.

he is currently on the potty, and his Daddy is helping him, 'cause his Mama is annoyed and venting on the computer.

he loves to prove me wrong

...my last post was about Jonah's new-found terrible sleep habits...its been taking over an hour some nights in the past week to get him to sleep -- yesterday for his nap, he laid in bed (well - 'laid' is not the best choice of words -- he was 'in and out' of bed) for over an hour before he finally fell asleep -- he woke up around 4:00, and though a late nap has never before hindered his bed-time...it did lastnight - taking almost an hour and a half before he finally settled (and when we went in to check on him before WE went to bed...I couldn't open his door, 'cause he was LAYING ON THE FLOOR with his blankie and puppies, sound asleep...talk about heart-breaking.

So anyways. My point: I decided to try to NOT nap him today -- I told myself, I'd put him in his room, and if he did NOT fall asleep after an hour, I'd go get him, and we'd just put him to bed EARLIER tonight.

Well -- guess who fell asleep without a fight in about 5 minutes flat this afternoon? Yep -- my boy, he loves to prove me wrong.

I work tonight...so, we shall see what kind of battle Jason has putting him to bed, and if that crazy little boy will be sleeping when I get home from work at 9:00.

Always an adventure. You are all terribly thrilled with today's blog entry, I feel quite certain about THAT!!

my good little sleeper....

...is turning into a not-so-good-sleeper. And I don't know if I can fully convey both the frustration AND heart-ache I feel, but...he has always been a great sleeper...seriously. I'm not just bragging - I'm not convinced it was me who made him be a good sleeper in the first place, so...I'm just stating a fact. Mom told me last week when she put him to bed when she was babysitting that she's never seen a child go to bed as well as he does.

Well...the last few nights have been a major struggle...which is not something I'm used to, so I really do not have a clue what to do about it. We visited my friend Mel last week for a few days, and me and Jonah shared a bed...and through the night whenever she was up to feed her babies, he'd wake up (they live in a cabin, so...every little noise is very audible!) -- he'd reach over and put his arm on me, snuggle up to me, and go back to sleep. So...now I'm wondering if sleeping with him has ruined his good sleep patterns...every night when i go to leave him in bed, he clings to me, cries for me to sleep with him and not leave...and seriously has a fit when I DO leave and close the door behind me. I don't know what to do...he's never been like this. Its infuriating on one hand, 'cause its taking an hour or more to get him settled...I'm nervous of forming bad habits and having every night from here-on in be a struggle, so I try to be firm and leave him, but his crying and yelling out to me is just too much. what do I do? anyone?

Lay with him 'til he falls asleep and hope this is just a passing phase? Be tough, give him a quick kiss goodnight, leave, and try to ignore his pleas? Punish him if he gets out of bed and cries? Cuddle him for as long as he needs?

I seriously don't know.

ohh....some random, random thoughts...

I sometimes feel guilty for only having one kid. like my life is not as stressful as everyone else's who have more than one kid...almost this weird need to 'defend' my life...to complain 'just enough' about what a crazy day I've had, how rotten my kid is, how the laundry is piling up, and I just can't get ahead. And...I certainly DO have stressful days, when I want to throttle my kid, when there really IS laundry piling up (like these days, for example, when its NOT sunny, and my dryer is not working), and I have days when I think "is this REALLY what I do every single day?"...but, honestly...MOST of the time...I genuinely enjoy my life...and my hilarious, full-of-life kid...who may not always be obedient, but is most certainly always amusing...I worry alot about what people think...I hate people perceiving me as 'having it all together'...for heaven's sake, give me a minute to really share my life, and you will be rudely awakened. But, I also hate to join that bandwagon of people who do nothing but complain and fish for people's pity or compliments...or just attention in general. I feel like I am a pretty 'real' person, but...I'm also pretty private, and not going to be vulnerable unless I know you really care. I'm afraid that I have a very very high expectation of my friends, and...people in general. Which is why sometimes when I think about being involved in 'full-time ministry' again, I think...I'm not gracious enough...I can't tolerate un-kindness or hypocrisy or injustice...so the thoughts of spending my time with...PEOPLE...means I would have to suck it up and...be all the things that are so un-natural for me. I'm hard on myself, I expect alot from others...and I expect a butt-load from myself. I question my own motives, and often don't do 'the right thing' if I fear I have inpure motives...but, I also DO 'the right thing' whether I FEEL like it or not a lot of the time too. I'm weird. And I'm grateful for those people in my life who just love me...and are gracious with ME...and kind to me, and let me know I am loved and cared for...I suck sometimes. I'm cynical and critical and easily disapointed, but...who do I think I am? I am in NEED of grace and kindness and compassion. And I receive it every single moment of the day....from Jesus. I am realizing more and more how much I need HIM. And how He is so kind to give me people who love me and show me such grace and kindness. I have some people in my life who make me think more about myself...not probably THEIR fault as much as MINE, but...still, some people don't make me think about JESUS like some other people may, and I think about all that I am lacking, or I feel that I need, like I mentioned in the beginning, to make my life sound every bit as difficult and unsatisfying as theirs so that I don't...what? appear like I have it all together, and then become a target for their judgment or envy...stupid. OR...make people feel sorry for me that I don't have the good things that they do, or that we are making stupid, irresponsible un-ambitious choices that are giving us the lifestyle we have...Does anybody REALLY think about ME that much? probably not. I love the people in my life who make me more aware of God's goodness, or remind me of the blessings and good things that I have...and I really do have so many. I tend to be a person who 'downplays' the good things in my life too often, too, 'cause I don't like to make anybody feel bad, 'cause I know how it feels to be excluded, whatever the reason...but...I have many, many good things. And I am grateful. I realize this is a completely random, un-finished line of thought, but...nobody's forcing anybody to read my thoughts, so...go ahead and judge me.

Ha ha -- just joking. please don't. I hate that.

Just some things I'm thinking about...would love to have neatly wrapped all my thoughts up to be eloquent and written as if I was writing a devotional that brings you around to the 'application' and the one-liner that let's you know I do, indeed...have it all together.

But. I don't.

sometimes I love it when I'm wrong...

...like today, for example. I finally worked up the nerve to call my Property Tax office. See, I got a Statement of my Account a week or two ago...and I carefully hid it away under another pile of bills, hoping against hope that if I ignored it long enough, it would be forgotten. Reason being: it looked like my taxes nearly doubled, and I was owing...a lot of money I don't have. Well -- I finally called the guy today, and he let me know they did NOT go up, and this was just a statement of what will need to be paid in the next year...what's already currently coming out of my bank payment along with my mortgage payment. Pheuf. I now have it correctly filed along with all the other 'paid' bills that I am no longer afraid of...

See?! Sometimes I like it when I'm wrong, and then I look back on all my worry and fear and laugh. Now, hopefully these other bills piling up are no different. ha. wishful thinking.

Gifts, and being Thankful

I am challenged by my friend, Amy, to be counting blessings, to be really SEEING the little things each day that are such gifts...its easy to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, and to see the things we WANT and don't have, but...I am reminded often of all the good things I have. Some of the things that easily become mundane, when I stop and think about it...are gifts. Gifts not everyone has. Its seems lately when I try to convince people that things in MY life are difficult, too...they throw the good things that I have back in my face, which is annoying, 'cause sometimes I just want a little pity, ya know?! But -- then when I really stop and think about it...they're right...I have some great things in my life. Not a perfect life, but...a really great life. Shared with a husband who loves me, and a little boy who is (most of the time!) the joy of my life and the reason I finally feel like I am who I was made to be...Still. People, when I complain or vent or try to share my struggles...just oblige me, will you?! hahaha. It takes a lot for me to finally reveal my struggles and imperfections...just let me!!!!

So...today I am thankful for:
- a napping boy. I need naps these days, and am grateful that I can sleep and not worry that he is getting into something he shouldn't. 'Cause he surely would - he is a busy little boy!!
- a clothes line; because of this, I have the most delicious smelling sheets!
- fresh, yummy, home-made raspberry jam.
- friends that give me heaps of rhubarb!
- My family living only minutes up the road. When I got married and moved to New York, I never thought I'd live near my family again. It is a huge, huge blessing to be so close to them, and to have them in my life daily. And in Jonah's life! He adores every single one of them.
- being a part of new joys in the lives of two of my dearest girls...and anticipating with them the excitement and happiness of what's to come!
- getting chicken on sale, and knowing hours ahead of time what we will be eating for supper! Anyone else get stuck ALL THE TIME on what to make for supper?!
- Finding Peanut M&M's on my shelf when I was in great need of something chocolate and yummy to eat.
- snuggling on the couch with Jonah before his nap...in part because we were freezing, and I refuse to turn on the heat on JUNE FREAKIN' FIRST!!! Extra cuddles, though...NEVER a bad thing.
- I suppose I can say publicly now, since the few of you that even read this already know: It is the hugest answer to prayer that RIGHT now, I have a baby growing inside my belly. For a little over 11 weeks now. I wondered at times in the past 2 years, if it would ever happen again - would I ever be able to carry another baby, would I ever give birth again, would I ever name another baby, nurse another child, be able to see Jonah as a big brother?! I continue to pray every single day for the health and safety of this little life...and I am sooo incredibly grateful that God is giving us the blessing of bringing another life into this world...that I get to be the Mama of even just one more child?! What an honor, what a huge, huge gift. I am so incredibly grateful.
- And before I write too many more blessings, 'cause I certainly do have more...I need to get a little bit of rest while I can...this little tiny baby just sucks the life right out of me most afternoons. Being pregnant at 34...very tiring. wow.

So -- Happy Wednesday to you, dear friends.