ohh....some random, random thoughts...

I sometimes feel guilty for only having one kid. like my life is not as stressful as everyone else's who have more than one kid...almost this weird need to 'defend' my life...to complain 'just enough' about what a crazy day I've had, how rotten my kid is, how the laundry is piling up, and I just can't get ahead. And...I certainly DO have stressful days, when I want to throttle my kid, when there really IS laundry piling up (like these days, for example, when its NOT sunny, and my dryer is not working), and I have days when I think "is this REALLY what I do every single day?"...but, honestly...MOST of the time...I genuinely enjoy my life...and my hilarious, full-of-life kid...who may not always be obedient, but is most certainly always amusing...I worry alot about what people think...I hate people perceiving me as 'having it all together'...for heaven's sake, give me a minute to really share my life, and you will be rudely awakened. But, I also hate to join that bandwagon of people who do nothing but complain and fish for people's pity or compliments...or just attention in general. I feel like I am a pretty 'real' person, but...I'm also pretty private, and not going to be vulnerable unless I know you really care. I'm afraid that I have a very very high expectation of my friends, and...people in general. Which is why sometimes when I think about being involved in 'full-time ministry' again, I think...I'm not gracious enough...I can't tolerate un-kindness or hypocrisy or injustice...so the thoughts of spending my time with...PEOPLE...means I would have to suck it up and...be all the things that are so un-natural for me. I'm hard on myself, I expect alot from others...and I expect a butt-load from myself. I question my own motives, and often don't do 'the right thing' if I fear I have inpure motives...but, I also DO 'the right thing' whether I FEEL like it or not a lot of the time too. I'm weird. And I'm grateful for those people in my life who just love me...and are gracious with ME...and kind to me, and let me know I am loved and cared for...I suck sometimes. I'm cynical and critical and easily disapointed, but...who do I think I am? I am in NEED of grace and kindness and compassion. And I receive it every single moment of the day....from Jesus. I am realizing more and more how much I need HIM. And how He is so kind to give me people who love me and show me such grace and kindness. I have some people in my life who make me think more about myself...not probably THEIR fault as much as MINE, but...still, some people don't make me think about JESUS like some other people may, and I think about all that I am lacking, or I feel that I need, like I mentioned in the beginning, to make my life sound every bit as difficult and unsatisfying as theirs so that I don't...what? appear like I have it all together, and then become a target for their judgment or envy...stupid. OR...make people feel sorry for me that I don't have the good things that they do, or that we are making stupid, irresponsible un-ambitious choices that are giving us the lifestyle we have...Does anybody REALLY think about ME that much? probably not. I love the people in my life who make me more aware of God's goodness, or remind me of the blessings and good things that I have...and I really do have so many. I tend to be a person who 'downplays' the good things in my life too often, too, 'cause I don't like to make anybody feel bad, 'cause I know how it feels to be excluded, whatever the reason...but...I have many, many good things. And I am grateful. I realize this is a completely random, un-finished line of thought, but...nobody's forcing anybody to read my thoughts, so...go ahead and judge me.

Ha ha -- just joking. please don't. I hate that.

Just some things I'm thinking about...would love to have neatly wrapped all my thoughts up to be eloquent and written as if I was writing a devotional that brings you around to the 'application' and the one-liner that let's you know I do, indeed...have it all together.

But. I don't.