Discipline...for the Mama...

I grew up in a pretty disciplined home...going to a very conservative, traditional church with lots of rules and a school with even more rules...then, even when I had the choice...I chose to go to a Bible College with...even MORE rules...so...in all honesty, I've spent most of my life having someone else dictate to me the behaviors and lifestyles I must live by...So, the first taste of freedom...I don't remember when I first had that taste, but...let's just say the 'disciplines' in my life these days...are lacking. I am my own boss. Well -- my boys give me great competition there, but...really...I'm the boss. Interspersed throughout the day of looking after 2 little boys, and taking care of my home...I have nuggets of time that I am feeling lately that I should be excercising a little more structure and discipline into. Excercise is a good choice of words, because...I am sorely lacking in that department.

Throughout the last half of my pregnancy with Levi, I was so anxious for when I could begin being active again...determined to lose my pregnancy weight and then some...certain I would be healthier than ever, and surprise even myself with the gusto I was sure I would have.

Well - Levi's almost 6 months old. And I am, indeed, the chubbiest (I hate that word...but I hate 'fattest' even more) I have. ever. been. And I hate it. I hate how I have no energy and I feel so weak and when I think about how much weight I want to lose and how much work its gonna be...it feels so daunting...and so unnattainable...I find myself heading into the kitchen to rummage up something sweet to make myself feel better. Which it does. For about a minute, then I feel even worse.

So. Let it be said: I am going to get active. Whether that is following a dvd, walking with my newly-loved double stroller!, running around with Jonah...whatever it is...I need to try to work it in every day, whatever it is...I need to. I feel like my very life depends on it...I'm 35...my health is NOT going to improve on its own. So, my goal for now is not too lofty, but...I will be active for 20 intentional, uninterrupted minutes a day...

I'll have to give the food part of it some thought, 'cause I need to think about the easiest, most realistic approach right now...and budget-friendly, as well...but, I will try to be more conscious about the foods I am eating...and stop eating 'cause I'm bored or sad.

Speaking of THAT...I will try to be more intentional about what I do for 'me time'...its pretty limited in a day, but...I do have some, so...I will try to spend it reading more, talking to actual PEOPLE (instead of just using facebook and blogs to connect!), and maybe actually DO some of those great ideas I pin from Pinterest...

I will make my bed. Huge goals, I know!! But, Levi is still in our room, so...I don't spend much time in there, but...I truly hate going in there and having my bed a mess...but it also seems redundant to make it, just to 'unmake' it every night before I put Levi to bed so we don't make too much noise when we go to bed. But...I like my room so much better when my bed's made.

I also need to get that darling little boy into his brother's room. This is ridiculous. So...before he's 6 months old...that's the goal here.

Lastnight I didn't wake him up for his 11:00 feeding, and...though I heard him once or twice -- I didn't feed him 'til almost 7:00 this morning, and...even then he didn't seem to be absolutely starving, so...I am going to drop that feeding...which should help in my goal to move his bed into Jonah's room.

Healthy snacks. I have intentionally tried to not bake so much the last little while, though I LOVE baking...I will try to find healthier options than cookies and cakes...like the little granola bites I made this morning...still a little bit unhealthy, but not in comparison to the other things I so love to make.

Reading my Bible. I am ashamed to admit that I barely do this anymore for my own personal growth and enjoyment. But I miss it. I will try to be more intentional, without being religious about it...

Writing things down. I love making lists, but rarely do so anymore, because I feel like I have so much TIME, since I am home so often now without a car or anywhere to go...but...I still don't DO as much as I feel like I should do...so...I'm going to start writing things down. Jobs to do, things to buy, wish lists, people to call or write, menus, verses, books I wanna read...whatever. I am VISUAL...and I am hands-on...so...writing things is how I learn and do things the best...

I need some discipline in my life...I never thought I'd miss it, but I do. Though my boys dictate much of my day...I need to be more in control. Or rather, let HIM have more control. I've become lazy in more than one aspect of my life and I'm determined to see some changes.

So...for me...this is my first step: I've written it down. I will refer back to this. And if you notice it deleted someday...its because I've failed. So...write me and ask me about it! hahaha.

14 hours

Levi is going into his 14th hour of sleep from lastnight. its 9:00am - i woke him at 11:00 lastnight to feed him, and he woke at 6:30 this morning and went right back to sleep...I never thought I'd see the day. now, i know better than to expect it again, but...I'm recording it here so I don't forget the hopeful possibility that it could happen again!!

Jonah didn't win...

They had the results of the radio contest this morning, and...Jonah didn't win. He is a performer, let me tell you -- anytime someone new comes over, he whispers to me, asking if he can do a 'concert' -- hoping to sweeten the offer to me by adding "just one song? please? Baby Oh?"

Poor little fella. He was a little disappointed, actually. He didn't cry, but he was on the verge...I let him be sad for a couple minutes, 'cause...its a normal reaction...I find sometimes I am quick to make him 'do the right thing'...but I don't want to always be crushing his spirit, ya know? Emotions are real. Disappointment, and anger, and frustration...especially when he must feel like he's always being told to 'stop' or do something...I'm trying to find creative ways of 'diverting' him, because I, for one, would hate to constantly be told 'no' or to stop, or follow whatever commands or orders applicable for the moment...I know I get tired of saying it, so I'm sure he gets tired of hearing it. oh my word, parenting is hard work, isn't it?

Anyways. He loves performing and singing and dancing...he does not get this from Jay or I, that's for sure...but, darlin' little fella has it in his soul, so...hopefully his disappointment today will not make too big of a mark!

I love this animated, hilarious, energetic, happy boy. I still think he was the best contestant!

ya win some...ya lose some...

I read the Momastery blog (me and a million other people) -- if you haven't read her post today...read it! And change a few of the specifics, and...pretend like its MY post...'cause oh my word, Jonah is becoming a staller. I suppose its par for his age, but just a couple months ago, I admit I smuggly breathed a sigh of relief when I'd hear people's 'bedtime routines', thanking God MY kid went to bed like an angel every night. Never calling out. Never needing anything. Sleeping soundly for 12 or more hours. Well, shame on me. 'Cause that has changed, and someone, somewhere is saying "I told you so." And, like most things 'parent'...they will change again, just when I think I have things figured out. And, I actually know better than to think I have anything 'figured out', 'cause I constantly question what I'm doing, how my kids behave/sleep/eat/look/play/learn, etc; and, if I'm doing my kids justice in how I'm raising them, etc, etc...So, I should just accept that this is mothering: never actually 'mastering' anything...and having my children prove me wrong time and time again. Which is why we barely utter the words, when we make a claim about them. So...I will not say that Levi is NOT waking up a million times in the night now...and that on Friday, we decided to let him cry, rather than me running to his every whimper in the night to soothe him back to sleep by nursing him, or rolling him over onto his back...and I will not say that it only took him 2 nights to catch on to this new routine. Or that he sleeps quite well on his back now. But I will tell you how adorable he is, and how I love seeing his dear little face when he's asleep (now that he's not exclusively sleeping on his belly!)...and I will say that Levi is such a sweet, happy, cuddly, darlin' baby...drooly as can be, sucking on anything that comes within an inch of his little face...and I am absolutely smitten with him. And I LOVE watching him watch Jonah - he is absolutely smitten with Jonah...in the car, he barely takes his eyes off him. I have to make Jonah stay out of the room sometimes when I'm trying to feed Levi so that he will pay attention and eat, rather than watch his big brother. Its sweet, though. And Jonah is every bit as in love with Levi. And I have started praying that they will become the best of friends for all of their lives...siblings are such a huge part of life. I am so incredibly grateful for all MY siblings. We'd barely have a social life if it weren't for them!! haha. (seriously, though.) And Jonah is so hilarious these days...we laugh so many times in the day - and I don't 'fake laugh' at him to make him feel good...he is actually quite hilarious. And its his greatest joy to be an entertainment: making you laugh, singing, dancing...chatting your ear off. Good heavens, there are days when he's being as good as gold, but his constant chatter is almost too much... And he wants to talk to everybody these days. Our neighbours are very gracious in saying 'hello' back to him a million times a day. I started writing this post a little frustrated at how long it was taking to get Jonah to settle down...(really, it was only about 15 minutes...)...but now that I'm writing about these darlin' boys...I can't remember why I was frustrated. Well...not entirely true, but...now I'm thinking about their sweetness and how adorable they are. Mind you, we got OUT several times today (Tuesdays are my one day a week that I have the car)...and that seems to make a big difference in how sane I feel at the end of the day. And....I'm heading to the movies in a few minutes with some girls...and I haven't been running up the stairs every 15 minutes to roll my baby over...and the weather has been amazing the last few days. And...I am hopeful I will get to sleep for several consecutive hours tonight. And Jonah got his hair cut and if its possible, is even more adorable today than I thought he could be. So...really. Its the little things...that for the most part make me honest when I say...I am a happy little Mama.

Mother's Day

I woke up early this morning to hear lots of 'chattering' in the little bed a few feet away from my own...I don't know exactly what time, or for how long, as I kept being lulled back to sleep...but finally pulled myself out of bed to feed the littlest babe...and I love how even though I HATE being woken up (even if by a sweet little 4 month old), he redeems himself with smiles and cuddles so instantly that I (almost!) forget how incredibly exhausted I am...It is Mother's Day. And it is not so long ago I remember feeling so 'excluded' and lonely and wondering if I would ever be the "mother" on Mother's Day...and so I can't help but think today of the others I know who must be feeling this very same way, aching for their bodies to bare children and experience the blessing I know: of just being a Mama. Its been a good day. I got a breakfast sandwich (my fave!), a delish smoothie, coffee, and delicious little pastry things...and a sweet little card made by my biggest boy...and Levi had a nice long nap before we went to my Mom and Dad's church...which doesn't always happen on a Sunday morning...and my kids were GOLDEN during church (always nice when you are visiting someone else's church) - and we had a yummy meal at our place, on the deck -- FRIED Chicken!!! made by Jay - and salads, and yummy cake!...and its been a good day...even if Jonah peed the bed during his nap (what on EARTH?!?!) and is sitting beside me instead of sleeping...and JAY is napping instead of ME!!! (is it FATHER'S Day, I asked him?!) -- but, I am feeling blessed...blessed to be a Mama. For real. Even if my days are not perfect, and my children are not perfect, and life is not always as I hoped or expected...I am blessed, for I have so much love in my life.

9 years

I am married nine years today...and happy to say I'm still in love with my husband. He is still my favorite person to be with. (Most of the time!) - for real, though. I love him. He is my best friend, and truly cannot imagine my life without him in it - he is a part of me - I feel quite certain I would not even be able to breathe if anything happened to him. And its not braggin, really truly its not, but -- I just feel so grateful to still be in a loving marriage, with the rates these days of divorce and cheating and broken families...I feel so grateful to have what we have. Sometimes when we're feeling sorry for ourselves, for whatever reason (usually money!) -- we stop and remind ourselves (after we complain for a bit!) of how lucky - how BLESSED - we are -- how blessed our children are, to have two parents who love Jesus, who love each OTHER - and who love these kiddos of ours...we are blessed, indeed. To have the amount of love we have in our lives...is such an enormous blessing...I am so thankful for this man (who is napping beside me) - and happy that we have loving family around us who love our kids, and will take care of them tonight so we can leave the Island - just for a short little while -- and have some Mexican food - and see Michael W.Smith in concert! I'm so excited!! just waiting for babes to wake up from his nap (Levi, not Jason!) so i can feed him before I leave him to starve so I can enjoy my date!! hahaha. hopefully that's not the case - but he is not super interested in a bottle...hopefully he'll change his mind after he realizes I am not here with my boob to satisfy his darlin' little belly....wish us both luck!! Anyways. I get very easily side-tracked....this is about my anniversary, not my babes... So, yeah -- Happy Anniversary to my hubby (who doesn't seem to be interested in reading my blog anyways...geesh!) -- I am more in love with you today than I was on our cold and windy wedding day, baby!

Discipline

A battle of the wills seems to be taking place waaaaay more than I'd like, these days. My will vs. Jonah's will. Oh my goodness. I read 50 pages of Dare to Discipline tonight in between shows Jay and I were watching. And that's saying something; I am a very slow and easily distracted reader. But I am NOT going to raise a brat. He's a good boy. He is actually a very good boy. Very charming and sweet and funny and cute...when HE chooses to be. Which seems to be most of the time, to be honest. But, he is not very obedient if he is asked to do/not do something HE doesn't think is a good idea. And its incredibly energy-sucking and frustrating. For an hour - an HOUR!!! - he fiddled with his supper. A variety of methods in attempting to get him to finish, did not work. And we finally sent him to bed. But, it was not an enjoyable way to spend the evening. I am eager to start a new day tomorrow. Dear heavens, parenting is tough work sometimes. Rewarding, as well. I love being a Mama - and I adore my darling boys. But...tonight was not fun.