ohh....some random, random thoughts...

I sometimes feel guilty for only having one kid. like my life is not as stressful as everyone else's who have more than one kid...almost this weird need to 'defend' my life...to complain 'just enough' about what a crazy day I've had, how rotten my kid is, how the laundry is piling up, and I just can't get ahead. And...I certainly DO have stressful days, when I want to throttle my kid, when there really IS laundry piling up (like these days, for example, when its NOT sunny, and my dryer is not working), and I have days when I think "is this REALLY what I do every single day?"...but, honestly...MOST of the time...I genuinely enjoy my life...and my hilarious, full-of-life kid...who may not always be obedient, but is most certainly always amusing...I worry alot about what people think...I hate people perceiving me as 'having it all together'...for heaven's sake, give me a minute to really share my life, and you will be rudely awakened. But, I also hate to join that bandwagon of people who do nothing but complain and fish for people's pity or compliments...or just attention in general. I feel like I am a pretty 'real' person, but...I'm also pretty private, and not going to be vulnerable unless I know you really care. I'm afraid that I have a very very high expectation of my friends, and...people in general. Which is why sometimes when I think about being involved in 'full-time ministry' again, I think...I'm not gracious enough...I can't tolerate un-kindness or hypocrisy or injustice...so the thoughts of spending my time with...PEOPLE...means I would have to suck it up and...be all the things that are so un-natural for me. I'm hard on myself, I expect alot from others...and I expect a butt-load from myself. I question my own motives, and often don't do 'the right thing' if I fear I have inpure motives...but, I also DO 'the right thing' whether I FEEL like it or not a lot of the time too. I'm weird. And I'm grateful for those people in my life who just love me...and are gracious with ME...and kind to me, and let me know I am loved and cared for...I suck sometimes. I'm cynical and critical and easily disapointed, but...who do I think I am? I am in NEED of grace and kindness and compassion. And I receive it every single moment of the day....from Jesus. I am realizing more and more how much I need HIM. And how He is so kind to give me people who love me and show me such grace and kindness. I have some people in my life who make me think more about myself...not probably THEIR fault as much as MINE, but...still, some people don't make me think about JESUS like some other people may, and I think about all that I am lacking, or I feel that I need, like I mentioned in the beginning, to make my life sound every bit as difficult and unsatisfying as theirs so that I don't...what? appear like I have it all together, and then become a target for their judgment or envy...stupid. OR...make people feel sorry for me that I don't have the good things that they do, or that we are making stupid, irresponsible un-ambitious choices that are giving us the lifestyle we have...Does anybody REALLY think about ME that much? probably not. I love the people in my life who make me more aware of God's goodness, or remind me of the blessings and good things that I have...and I really do have so many. I tend to be a person who 'downplays' the good things in my life too often, too, 'cause I don't like to make anybody feel bad, 'cause I know how it feels to be excluded, whatever the reason...but...I have many, many good things. And I am grateful. I realize this is a completely random, un-finished line of thought, but...nobody's forcing anybody to read my thoughts, so...go ahead and judge me.

Ha ha -- just joking. please don't. I hate that.

Just some things I'm thinking about...would love to have neatly wrapped all my thoughts up to be eloquent and written as if I was writing a devotional that brings you around to the 'application' and the one-liner that let's you know I do, indeed...have it all together.

But. I don't.

sometimes I love it when I'm wrong...

...like today, for example. I finally worked up the nerve to call my Property Tax office. See, I got a Statement of my Account a week or two ago...and I carefully hid it away under another pile of bills, hoping against hope that if I ignored it long enough, it would be forgotten. Reason being: it looked like my taxes nearly doubled, and I was owing...a lot of money I don't have. Well -- I finally called the guy today, and he let me know they did NOT go up, and this was just a statement of what will need to be paid in the next year...what's already currently coming out of my bank payment along with my mortgage payment. Pheuf. I now have it correctly filed along with all the other 'paid' bills that I am no longer afraid of...

See?! Sometimes I like it when I'm wrong, and then I look back on all my worry and fear and laugh. Now, hopefully these other bills piling up are no different. ha. wishful thinking.

Gifts, and being Thankful

I am challenged by my friend, Amy, to be counting blessings, to be really SEEING the little things each day that are such gifts...its easy to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, and to see the things we WANT and don't have, but...I am reminded often of all the good things I have. Some of the things that easily become mundane, when I stop and think about it...are gifts. Gifts not everyone has. Its seems lately when I try to convince people that things in MY life are difficult, too...they throw the good things that I have back in my face, which is annoying, 'cause sometimes I just want a little pity, ya know?! But -- then when I really stop and think about it...they're right...I have some great things in my life. Not a perfect life, but...a really great life. Shared with a husband who loves me, and a little boy who is (most of the time!) the joy of my life and the reason I finally feel like I am who I was made to be...Still. People, when I complain or vent or try to share my struggles...just oblige me, will you?! hahaha. It takes a lot for me to finally reveal my struggles and imperfections...just let me!!!!

So...today I am thankful for:
- a napping boy. I need naps these days, and am grateful that I can sleep and not worry that he is getting into something he shouldn't. 'Cause he surely would - he is a busy little boy!!
- a clothes line; because of this, I have the most delicious smelling sheets!
- fresh, yummy, home-made raspberry jam.
- friends that give me heaps of rhubarb!
- My family living only minutes up the road. When I got married and moved to New York, I never thought I'd live near my family again. It is a huge, huge blessing to be so close to them, and to have them in my life daily. And in Jonah's life! He adores every single one of them.
- being a part of new joys in the lives of two of my dearest girls...and anticipating with them the excitement and happiness of what's to come!
- getting chicken on sale, and knowing hours ahead of time what we will be eating for supper! Anyone else get stuck ALL THE TIME on what to make for supper?!
- Finding Peanut M&M's on my shelf when I was in great need of something chocolate and yummy to eat.
- snuggling on the couch with Jonah before his nap...in part because we were freezing, and I refuse to turn on the heat on JUNE FREAKIN' FIRST!!! Extra cuddles, though...NEVER a bad thing.
- I suppose I can say publicly now, since the few of you that even read this already know: It is the hugest answer to prayer that RIGHT now, I have a baby growing inside my belly. For a little over 11 weeks now. I wondered at times in the past 2 years, if it would ever happen again - would I ever be able to carry another baby, would I ever give birth again, would I ever name another baby, nurse another child, be able to see Jonah as a big brother?! I continue to pray every single day for the health and safety of this little life...and I am sooo incredibly grateful that God is giving us the blessing of bringing another life into this world...that I get to be the Mama of even just one more child?! What an honor, what a huge, huge gift. I am so incredibly grateful.
- And before I write too many more blessings, 'cause I certainly do have more...I need to get a little bit of rest while I can...this little tiny baby just sucks the life right out of me most afternoons. Being pregnant at 34...very tiring. wow.

So -- Happy Wednesday to you, dear friends.

thoughts

I come from a family of thinkers...we are all overly-thoughtful...sometimes 'thoughtful' like, we think of others, but...mostly thoughtful like, we're always thinking. Analyzing, trying to figure out things/people/ourselves...and because we are thinkers, its hard for most of us to just 'let things go' when we are hurt, or when we see injustices...we notice things, we get involved sometimes when maybe we shouldn't...we turn our backs on people who have hurt the ones we love...we 'dare' you to just try again to hurt them...and then we will show you -- yep -- watch out. In thought, anyways. We've also been raised to 'do the right thing'...my dad, especially...just always does the right thing. And if he doesn't, you can be guaranteed he will be apologizing and making things right in about 10 seconds flat. That has been ingrained in all of us, too. We have to 'talk about things'...hash it out, right then and there...heaven forbid we ever 'let the sun go down upon our wrath.' All of these things that make us 'us'...have good parts and bad parts about it...like everything, I supposed...sway a little bit one way, and what is a good thing, very easily becomes a bad thing...I feel I have good discretion about people -- I am an observer, I study people, I love to figure out what makes you tick -- and I seem to have a pretty good judge of character...but that discretion can easily turn into judgement or cynicism if I'm not careful...sometimes not giving people a second chance. I can be critical -- expecting a lot from people, and when I feel those expectations aren't being met...I can withdraw, give up, and fall back on the people who rarely let me down. Which brings me to another point: gratitude for those people in my life who love me so deeply and faithfully, and know me well...its a blessing...really. One I've come to be more and more thankful for over the past few years, when realizing what a rare and precious gift true friendship is...

And...I am totally rambling...but...I'm just thinking. Thinking about people I love, and thinking about HOW I love...and how I am loved. Its a difficult thing to love someone who doesn't love you back the way you feel you deserve to be loved -- or in comparison with how someone else loves you...sometimes I find myself analyzing my friendships too much, labeling acquaintances, hang-out friends, kindred spirits...and putting walls up with people who are anything less than a true kindred spirit...but how is that really loving? How is that letting people in? And doesn't God want me to LOVE...everyone? How on earth do I do that?

I don't know the answers...I just know that He has so much to teach me in the way of love...

And that's okay...

Zombie

I've been feeling like a zombie lately...sleeping a lot, like -- a lot...and feeling like I don't have the energy to even care about what I'm missing out on. Except that I do. I feel literally like I'm in another world sometimes...and just on this weird turf, trying to figure out where I fit...I'm married and a mama...and honestly those two are my absolute favorite people to be with...but I can still feel like I want the best of both worlds, ya know? Like I want to be a part of everybody's life, hanging out with everybody, even though there are too many 'groups' to even try to be a part of all the time...and on top of working and family life, and extended family time...I'm left with...not much time. I just don't like missing out on anything, even though I know I can't be everywhere, nor do I really WANT to be...these days it seems I'm just happy to be HOME when there's actually time for the 3 of us to be together...and it makes me the happiest, but...I still feel pulled sometimes...and don't like to feel like I'm letting people down, or not investing enough in those I love. I'm just one girl. And a wife. And a mother. and a friend, and a sister, and a daughter...how can I be enough to everyone?!?! And still manage to squeeze in enough naptime in a day to survive?! ahhh. I do not know the answer. But...its almost 11:00 and...I must go to bed. Goodnight.

Mother's Day

...I think is one of my favorite holidays. Its a day to not only celebrate your own Mom, but to BE celebrated, if you are, indeed, lucky enough to BE a Mom. I was aware for so many years that it might be difficult for me to HAVE a baby. And I was right. So...to actually BE a living, breathing, real-live Mama...is still something that I realize is a GIFT. I am blessed. I have stressful days and acknowledge the fact that there is no-one who brings my blood almost to the point of boiling like my 3 year old son, but...I could not imagine my life without this little boy in it. I really am 'a happy little Mama', like the name of this blog indicates! (who would ever dream of not telling the whole truth on the world-wide-web, anyways, am I right?!)haha! but, today is a day that I am aware, also, of those who are NOT Moms, and WANT to be...and today can be a sad day for some...I felt that sadness for a couple years, myself. So, my heart goes out to people today who have to keep waiting...I know how difficult that waiting can be. I am happy and incredibly grateful to be on the other side of that waiting, and to have, sleeping upstairs as I type, a happy little boy who is MINE...It is my greatest joy to be his Mama.

Happy Mother's Day to YOU. I have so many examples of amazing moms in my life, and I think it is so necessary to have people with children of all different ages and types, to be walking this journey of motherhood with...

That little boy is no longer sleeping, so...I must go and rescue him!

8 years...

...and I still love this man.

(and this boy, BUT...this post is NOT about him. Not today.)

We celebrated our 8 year Anniversary today. So, it takes me back to our wedding day...and I was hit with the conclusion that was true of me back then, too: I am more interested in being with the ones I love than I am in the details...we were laughing about all the 'little things' we didn't remember about our wedding day...'cause we didn't make those decisions. (thank you ANGIE and AMANDA for making so many of them FOR ME!!) we just wanted to BE TOGETHER...I beat myself up sometimes for my lack of attention to details...in some respects...in other ways, I am too anal, but...anyways. this is a post about my marriage, not my flaws, so...moving on.

I do not have a perfect marriage. Who does, though?! I am married to a man who loves me...who thinks I am beautiful and wonderful and good...he is, absolutely my soul mate and very best friend. I'm not kidding. He knows me better than anyone, and loves me more than anyone...so crazy. He is so good to me. We are poor. We really are, but...he is never stingy, and always encouraging me to buy things and do special things - never makes me feel bad about any purchases I make, or money I spend when I go out with friends. He works so I can stay home - He never makes me feel bad for staying in bed when he gets up at ridiculous hours to go to work!

He loves the Lord. He leads our marriage, our family, our HOME with Jesus as the Centre...He is an example of love and compassion far beyond the 4 walls of our home, with his love and concern for others, especially teen-age boys who don't have good male influences. I have sometimes resented the time he has spent with different boys over the years, but...really, I am grateful to have a man who has such love and concern for others...he has a lot to give, and I am glad he is not selfish in this area. My own boy is so incredibly blessed to have THIS MAN as his Dad. I'm grateful for that.

And he really is the best Dad. I love watching these two play together -- the minute Jason walks in the door, Jonah wants to wrestle and play with him...and he always seems to summons up the energy to do this with our very energetic 3 year old, who wouldn't understand that his Dad just might be tired after working for 10 hours...I love watching the man I love be a father. He's such a good one.

We laugh. We have the best time together -- and just 'get' each other and find each other hilarious, like no-one else would. We sing our hearts out - with Jonah joining us everytime we sing/dance/hug...we are 'that' family...the ones people might look at from the outside and think we were embarassing or nerdy or something, but...we love each other so much. And are so happy together...

He loves my family...and my family adores him...really. But, I love that...he's just such a real part of our family...I'm thankful to have a husband who is so close to my family.

I love that he loves his job. And his clients and co-workers love him. I know he's the favorite - of course he is!! He is kind and approachable and non-judgmental...

I love him. I am so incredibly grateful God brought him into my life as my friend over 15 years ago...and that we have shared life together in this sweet marriage for 8 years. I am blessed, indeed. He respects me, he thinks I'm great, he compliments me, he tells me every day that he loves me...he still makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world, and never gives me reason to doubt that is true...he is my biggest fan, and also not afraid to gently rebuke me when I'm wrong, or 'calm me' when I am out of control...he's such a perfect balance for me...such a PART of me...I am quite sure I could not breathe without this man, he is such a part of my soul and heart.

I look forward to sharing many more years with you, Jason Paulino....for...as long as we both shall live.