thoughts

I come from a family of thinkers...we are all overly-thoughtful...sometimes 'thoughtful' like, we think of others, but...mostly thoughtful like, we're always thinking. Analyzing, trying to figure out things/people/ourselves...and because we are thinkers, its hard for most of us to just 'let things go' when we are hurt, or when we see injustices...we notice things, we get involved sometimes when maybe we shouldn't...we turn our backs on people who have hurt the ones we love...we 'dare' you to just try again to hurt them...and then we will show you -- yep -- watch out. In thought, anyways. We've also been raised to 'do the right thing'...my dad, especially...just always does the right thing. And if he doesn't, you can be guaranteed he will be apologizing and making things right in about 10 seconds flat. That has been ingrained in all of us, too. We have to 'talk about things'...hash it out, right then and there...heaven forbid we ever 'let the sun go down upon our wrath.' All of these things that make us 'us'...have good parts and bad parts about it...like everything, I supposed...sway a little bit one way, and what is a good thing, very easily becomes a bad thing...I feel I have good discretion about people -- I am an observer, I study people, I love to figure out what makes you tick -- and I seem to have a pretty good judge of character...but that discretion can easily turn into judgement or cynicism if I'm not careful...sometimes not giving people a second chance. I can be critical -- expecting a lot from people, and when I feel those expectations aren't being met...I can withdraw, give up, and fall back on the people who rarely let me down. Which brings me to another point: gratitude for those people in my life who love me so deeply and faithfully, and know me well...its a blessing...really. One I've come to be more and more thankful for over the past few years, when realizing what a rare and precious gift true friendship is...

And...I am totally rambling...but...I'm just thinking. Thinking about people I love, and thinking about HOW I love...and how I am loved. Its a difficult thing to love someone who doesn't love you back the way you feel you deserve to be loved -- or in comparison with how someone else loves you...sometimes I find myself analyzing my friendships too much, labeling acquaintances, hang-out friends, kindred spirits...and putting walls up with people who are anything less than a true kindred spirit...but how is that really loving? How is that letting people in? And doesn't God want me to LOVE...everyone? How on earth do I do that?

I don't know the answers...I just know that He has so much to teach me in the way of love...

And that's okay...