working

I am getting ready for work (well...taking a minute, literally, to blog, too, but...you know that already!) -- its almost 8:00, and Jonah is still sleeping...I normally work at 8:00, but since I have to take Jonah to a babysitter today, because my Mom is away...I asked if I could come in a little later, so we didn't have to rush too much, and...I'm so thankful I don't have to do this every day. One morning a week is good enough for me...I'm so happy I get to be home with my little boy. He's almost 3, and time is going by sooo fast...I'm soo incredibly thankful I get to spend the majority of his time with him...

And now...I must finish getting ready.

Sayings of Jonah

While this dear boy has been a little more...ummm, frustrating over the past week of sickness and 2-year-old-ness....he is really quite a little charmer...he seriously is always complimenting me...telling me I have nice earrings, nice hair, nice shirt, nice cheeks (he seriously does tell me I have nice cheeks...isn't that hilarious?!)...honestly -- this boy is good for the ego, that's for sure!! Yesterday, out of the blue...waiting for supper, he had his elbows on the table, and his sweet face resting in his hands...and he says: "mama? You're my best friend." oh my goodness...today, i'm getting supper ready, and he says: "thanks for making supper for me, Mama." Oh...you're welcome you darling boy...

and these days, he is LOVING helping me with everything. ev.ery. thing. seriously -- it can be a little annoying/time consuming sometimes, but...he's got the sweetest little heart, I don't want to break his spirit...and I DO want him to really be an actual 'help' to me someday, so...I let him set the table, and put the peanut butter on his toast, and carry his milk to the table...and I can barely step foot by the fridge or sink or counter, without him running and getting his little chair and dragging it over to the end of the counter to help me...He's the sweetest. Not without incredibly frustrating moments, but...he's really just the joy of my heart...

Update

For the record...today was much better. I think Jonah's crankiness/sickness is contributing to MY crankiness...he is still just NOT himself...I keep hoping he's not just turning into a sobby bratty little boy...I don't think he is...oh my word, he can drive me crazy sometimes. But, my goodness, I love him. We had some yummy food with some friends tonight, and a game that I WON at, so...today was better...even though we got more SNOW, after it was almost ALL GONE...what on earth?!

Emotions and Steven Curtis Chapman

I don't consider myself to be a super emotional person...well, I AM, actually, but...I feel the need to 'control' my emotions, and feel compelled to always 'do the right thing', or tell myself what I 'should' do, or how I 'should' feel - or I do/don't do something out of worry about what someone ELSE might think I should or shouldn't do. Its ridiculous, really. But, sometimes, when my emotions run wild...I often talk myself out of it; spiritualize it; rebuke myself; give myself a 'pep talk'; journal, instead of venting; etc, etc. I don't know why I'm like this. I have a lot of 'people pleaser' in me, and while I have a huge frustration with people who aren't 'authentic', I find that sometimes that is the very thing that frustrates me about myself: when I can't be/say/feel the way I want to...because, the truth is, sometimes its ugly, and I don't want people to see that. I don't even want to believe, myself, the ugliness about myself sometimes, so I...suppress. Oh, dear...anyways. Today I was grumpy. Just grumpy. I don't hardly remember the last time I've had a day like today. Not sad, not lonely, not discouraged, not insecure...just. mad. grumpy. I kept wishing someone would call or drop in so I could just give them an earful. Not that I would have, but...I kept imagining scenarios in my head of all the angry words I would say, and the fury behind them...if only someone would just ask me how my day was going. Ha. I guess God knew that wasn't what He wanted to happen. By the time Erin stopped by, and I had FINALLY found that stupid chocolate bar I was craving (in between our two couches -- what on earth?!)- I had simmered down a bit. She seemed to think it was funny to see me this way, but...she was kind enough to stay here with Jonah while he napped so I could get out of the house. She's the best, really. Anyways...I can't understand exactly WHY I feel the way I do...and seeing as this is a public blog, I will NOT go into details of my emotions, except to say that: I think my emotions and spirit are being challenged because...I just had the most spiritually high "high" I've had in a long long time...

I went to see Steven Curtis Chapman in Moncton on Wednesday. Him and Michael W. Smith have always been the top two Christian artists I've wanted to see Live. They've both been such a huge part of my life for so, so many years...so: to actually SEE Steven Curtis Chapman was seriously a dream come true...And it was the most amazing night, spiritually, that I've had in the longest time...he was so personal, so transparent about his struggle with losing his little girl in that awful accident almost 3 years ago...so honest about the hurt, the confusion, the challenge to be able to sing his songs again and mean what he was singing...and his music, his stories, his passion for adoption, his beautiful testimony of God's amazing redemption and presence, caused me to really think about my life, and to be challenged and humbled before Him about what truly matters in life...and if I am allowing God to have His way in MY life, to really be MY EVERYTHING...I cried pretty well the entire way through the concert...some of those tears because of sadness, for the Chapman family, for myself, and some of those tears of just a realization of Who God is, and His incredible love for me...and the desire to be a person who really allows His love to shine through me...what on earth are we doing on this earth, sometimes, I wonder? Why do I care so much sometimes about status, my weight, my lack of fashion, my lack of money or success, the things I want, the places I want to go and can't...does any of that really even matter? Its a shame the amount of time spent worrying about such temporal things...and yet I do...far too often.

So...I am totally rambling, but...my conclusion is this: I had a spiritual 'high' (I haven't even uttered those words in years, I don't think!!) and of course, my spirit is being attacked...seriously: HOURS after i felt like I had such revelations of truth and conviction and joy and redemption...and today was one of my grumpiest and most 'ungodly' days...and...I blame...well: it doesn't matter who is to blame: myself, the devil...whatever...but...I know I don't like it. And I know I need Jesus. And I really WANT Him to be my everything...He is stirring in my heart about so much right now...I do not want to be complacent...I hate the selfishness of my heart sometimes...I am so grateful for His mercy.

really.

Sick Boy

I had a sad and sick little boy today...he seriously hardly said anything, and didn't play AT ALL...and just laid on the couch all day long...poor little fella. (Yeah, I loved all the extra snuggles, but...still...way too sad...) AND...I had to go to work tonight...he woke up this afternoon before I had to go, and I told him I was going to work and that Daddy was going to come home and take care of him. He had actually been smiling a tiny bit 'til I said that...then he puts his head back and his eyes fill with tears, and he says "I sad a bit." oh my word. And he did NOT want me to go to work...and kept trying not to cry and kept giving me hugs and kisses...all I could do to walk out that door. I hope he's feeling better tomorrow, poor little darlin', breaking my heart....and we're going to see Steven Curtis Chapman in Moncton tomorrow, and it will be REALLY hard to leave him here if he's sick, so...I'm just really praying he feels better through the night. I love that boy. so much.

Parties, friends, and other happy stuff

It depends on WHO is at a party, whether or not I'm having a good time...whether or not I'm 'myself', whether I'm quiet or loud or fun, or bored, or insecure...and I'm sure I'm not alone...some people love a crowd, love to be the center of attention, the life of the party...I would say, as a rule, that is NOT really my thing...but...I LOVE to be with people who I enjoy, crowd or not, especially when everyone is just chatting and having a good time, and no-one is making anyone feel excluded or stupid, and...I will say, when there's lots of yummy food -- and its a POTLUCK -- I'm probably enjoying myself even MORE...and playing games like "I Have Never", and you're actually learning things and getting to know people better as opposed to useless small talk all evening long...well -- that' why lastnight, when we were at a party, with a whole mish-mash of people, we were the LAST to leave, as opposed to the first...we had a GREAT time, seeing old friends, meeting new ones, and just having a genuinely good time...I love that. I love enjoying myself and feeling like I can BE myself, and just having fun. I sometimes miss having a whole crowd of people around me, all people I love and feel close to, but...life changes a bit when you get married and even more when you have a kid...I still sometimes long for those 'old days' when life is all about friends and having fun...but, having little bits and pieces of that every now and again, along with having a happy home and marriage...really is more than I could ask for. I had a great weekend. And its not even over. I got to hang out with 3 lovely ladies on Friday night - eat some yummy food (why do i talk about food all the time, anyways?!) - and am just feeling blessed and happy to have people in my life who I love, who I know love me. I think I had myself convinced at times in my life that absolutely EVERYONE loved me...and as I get older, I realize that is definetely not the case...and certainly not necessary, either, as i sometimes beat myself up for when i am fully aware that is NOT the case...but then I'm reminded of the people I DO have, and how very very blessed I really am...I have so much love in my life...and i am just so grateful. And, though my hubby does NOT read my blog, I will say a special little shout out to him, too, 'cause he really is the PERFECT guy for me...never makes me feel judged or like I have to be anyone other than who I really am...and he loves me so much...that's an amazing thing, to have someone see your complete vulnerability and love you all the more because of it. I'm feeling blessed today. And I get to hang out with my siblings (and my baby brother's girlfriend, too) tonight...and I spent the afternoon with my sister, and she bought me socks and earrings...2 of my favorite things to purchase! - and...I just feel happy. A good time to blog. And the sun is shining. and its the first day of SPRING!!! oh - and I cut bangs. on a whim yesterday. but - I actually like them. and my cow-lick...is co-operating, so...i'm happy about that too.

Youth Group and potlucks

We had a potluck with our church tonight for youth group -- and Jonah came along with us and had the TIME - OF - HIS - STINKIN' - LIFE. I'm not kidding. I don't think the boy stopped running from 5:00 until we dragged him out of there at 8:15...he could barely sit up when we got him home - but he insisted on a 'tiny tiny tiny tiny snack' - so he pretty well ate a banana lying down and then zonked out, poor fella. I LOVE watching him have fun - and he comes alive in a crowd -- especially a crowd of crazy teenagers who are all chasing him and paying attention to him. I love it!! There's something about seeing such joy in your child that just makes you sooo happy, ya know? I love watching him participating in the games and being so uninhibited - its so cool.

Anyways...it was a fun night - and I'm excited to anticipate the years ahead with these kids...we have a young youth group - all junior highers -- and I sometimes struggle with the 'lack' of closeness, but -- I know it will come if we stick around, and if they stick around...it may take awhile, but...I'm excited to see these kids grow in the years to come.

I'm not sure if Jonah will be so keen on staying home when we go to 'goup goup' after tonight...Erin, you'll have to really up your anty with him! :)