Sunny disposition

Ha!

That's what I wish I had. And in some ways, I suppose I do...I don't go griping to every single person who has ears...not that those ears want to hear my stories anyways, but -- for the few who DO...they know I don't possess that 'sunny disposition' I appear to have to some others who don't know the 'whole story.' There's been some relationships in recent past that have 'come to a head' - the real truth has been told of what they think of our character. Not MINE in particular, and not even my husband's, per se - but 'not personal' attacks and criticisms of 'the elders' - when your husband is one of FOUR elders - and when you and your husband are two individuals with one heart, really...it becomes quite personal, thank you very much. Perhaps not to you - but...it is quite personal to me.

And therefore - the 'sunny disposition' you may THINK I have...is exposed for what it is: a fierce loyalty and love and respect for the man I love - and the claws come out when you attack him...when you question the integrity and leadership of someone I live with - and therefore know much better than anyone...when you think you have the RIGHT to beat him up and criticize him and the others he stands with in this role of 'elder' - that he did not ASK for, by the way - he does not get one cent for - even though he has spent countless hours over the months and years he's been in this un-paid position...and though I have seen and read the criticisms and attacks and questioning - I have stood there and WATCHED people yelling and pointing fingers directly in their faces -- in Jason's face -- I have heard the mean words and untrue accusations...and seen the gracious response and composure of every single one of those men, who have never retaliated, never responded in anger or unkindness even while their character and ability has been PUBLICLY questioned...so...yeah - my 'sunny disposition' is quite deeply buried these days...

I can't pretend that everything is 'fine' like I normally am able to do...not when I walk into CHURCH week after week, trying to supress my anxiety and insecurity - so I can worship, so I can learn more about Jesus - be drawn into His presence, even though sitting behind me, in front of me, beside me...are people who I have seen the 'ugly', all the while they are the ones lifting their hands in worship, their smiles plastered on their faces, giving warm and loving hugs to others that were once shared with me...telling others of the 'hurt' they experience, the words of love for God and the church they have...while I know another side of these people...its hard to not judge - its hard to not question THEIR character and integrity - and to fight the urge to expose them

...but...for what? What good would it do? Do we defend our husbands, our families, ourselves - and expect that everyone will take our side if we expose the truth?? Do we not all have our own 'versions' of the truth, anyways? We believe what we want to - we see only what we want to...we cannot change anyone else's mind, anyways....so - what's the point, honestly?? Its not the preferences and differences that I'm bothered by, anyways - in and of themselves, the differences of opinions aren't the real issue here, in my opinion...its what's come out of these differences that has been most revealing...unkind words and criticisms and judgments that are wrong, ungodly, unkind...and not what I want to be associated with anymore.

There does come a time to leave that which is dragging you down - to stop 'fighting' for the truth - to stop waiting for it to all unfold...and to stop attempting to hold something together which is out of your control. But with that comes some sadness, too...saying good-bye is never easy - leaving one thing to go to another, unknown thing...for reasons that could have and should have been avoided...seems so crazy...and so familiar. Starting over is not easy. But when God is finally giving release and leading and redeeming and showing you He is still in control - He is still good...you have to trust Him...even when the steps ahead seem unclear and uncertain...knowing His character makes me know He can be trusted...so why would I not follow??

He's been more and more real to me in these months, and recent weeks especially, as I cling to Him and read His Word and see His deep, deep love for me...as I am both reminded and shown anew truths from the Bible that are a practical help and comfort for me...as I choose to see His blessings and goodness, I realize more and more the hugeness of His gifts and blessings...and the 'compare and contrast' analogy makes me count my deep and true relationships as even greater and more appreciated than when I sometimes just carry on as if 'all is well'...its in the difficult times when people show up and just love without judgment - listen while knowing your heart, and love and show kindness, that you know you don't need 'everyone'...you already have what you need...and Jesus...HE really is 'more than enough'...but He goes beyond just giving you Himself...and gives you people - extensions of His heart, to love you and hug you and bless you in tangible, practical, emotional, spiritual ways...

I am blessed. He is so good...He is redeeming my heart in this hurt - restoring something that has been lost in me for awhile - as He speaks truth and we listen to His voice above all the noise of other voices seeking to tear down...reminding me of the importance of walking by faith and not by sight...of trusting His heart, of counting my blessings, of planting His Word in my heart.  Of knowing I am, indeed...loved. I feel His peace as He leads us each day...not all days have a 'sunny disposition', but...He is certainly shining His light on my soul and on my heart these days...and I'm grateful for that...even amidst pain and confusion and injustice...He restores my soul.