Significance...

Just been thinking about some 'stuff' lately...here's a little glimpse into this head of mine:

My whole life, I was a pastor's daughter...I was a "Bredin", which...in my circles...actually meant something. At Bible school, having the last name Bredin, carried some significance as well, because one of the founders was my grandfather...people would tease me to 'play the Bredin card' if I wanted special privileges or recognition (which never worked, by the way!!...quite the opposite, if anything...the teachers may have been a little harder on me, truth be known, because of my last name, and who they thought I should be because of the family I belonged to.) At my church, I always had that sense of belonging because my Dad was the 'leader' of the church -- they HAD to love me, didn't they?? (I know better now!!)  And going to Awana camp, where I was the little sister of one of the popular high-school campers, meant people kinda liked me, too, because of my relation to who she was...

Being a 'middle child' (there are 5 of us kids -- I am the second oldest, the middle daughter - and technically, I share the title "middle child" with 2 other siblings)...but, I learned to 'make a name for myself' outside of who my older sister was...and I made friends quite easily and early on, remember my friendships being of most importance to me -- I never really was 'the smart one' or 'the athletic one' or 'the funny one'...certainly not 'driven' where school or entrepreunership was concerned...but I always had a multitude of friends...My 'drive' was to have good friendships. And I always have. I count that a huge blessing - one of my greatest blessings, in fact. 

It was never really a struggle for me to have good friendships, aside from the odd junior-high kerfuffel (how on earth do you spell that word???)...and maybe some tensions in Bible school, just broadening the scope that much more from a tiny Christian high school...(not that Bible school was huge, but...much bigger than my high-school and graduating class of 8!!)

After Bible school graduation, and NOT going right into ministry or marriage...I didn't know WHAT to do, and for maybe the first time...felt SUCH a lack of significance, especially being one of the few to not be headed in either direction of marriage or ministry upon graduating...I came back home, but most of my friends were either gone and 'doing' ministry, or home and being educated...becoming 'secular successes' (how terrible!). And I was neither, and at a complete loss as to what to do. I had imagined graduating NBBI at 21 years old, and marrying a pastor and becoming a Mom, like I had dreamed of since being a little girl...and when neither looked like a possibility...I felt like a failure. I filled life up with a little bit of 'ministry', some short-term missions trips, and less-than-satisfying jobs, and eventually decided to go to CompuCollege and learn about computers and accounting...

I made friends at CompuCollege, for the first time not already first being associated with anyone...my first time 'on my own.' I had to 'make a name for myself' simply by being me.  So nerve-wracking and satisfying all at the same time. Life prior hadn't been difficult by way of friendships, but this was my first time really venturing out on my own...

Right after graduating, I got a job...a 'temp job' (i.e...horrible pay!!) but my boss loved me!!! I only worked there a few months and found it quite dis-satisfying and un-fulfilling, and gave it up to go work at Camp Joy in New York...to be Jason's "personal assistant." (his first time having a 'personal assistant'...he convinced the Board to hire ME!!! ulterior motives???? yeah, I think so!!) Anyways, again - I made friends quickly and easily, but there was a bit of tension being the 'new girl' and having that attachment to the infamous 'Uncle Jason' and heaven forbid, I might take away from any relationships with other girls or kids or anyone who might find me to be 'intruding' and taking up too much of Jason's attention, and causing some changes in how things 'used to be.'

Well -- we fell in love, and a year later got married and 'did ministry' together (ahhhh - finally...'doing ministry'...I could finally feel some sense of significance!) But starting life in a new place, new job, new church, new people, new COUNTRY!!....it wasn't easy. First time I did not have a huge group of friends to call my own. Summer staff was one thing - and I loved them! - but they didn't stick around. We tried to connect with a large and 'cool' college-age group from our church, but...we were just old enough, just 'married' enough, and just busy enough with 'rescuing' these kids from the Bronx, to have time to really spend investing in them...so, for the 2 years I lived in New York -- really, truly, honestly...I had about 3 friends. Scott, Heather, and Tim.

And THEN...2 years after living in New York, we moved back home to PEI -- but in a lot of ways 'started over', after a really...ummm...crappy ending to Dad's ministry at our church of 14 years. Still some friends, but started a new church. Which is not easy. A few connections, but really mostly felt like it was a new start for us. Which has been good, really -- we've been there for over 7 years now. But in a lot of ways I still feel 'new' -- alot of people come and go, and alot of the people I have known for 7 years now...I don't really feel like I know.  And some of these people I have spent a lot of time with, actually. But -- I don't know that I really 'let my guard down' easily, to be fair. We talk, we do 'play dates' - we chit-chat after church (when I'm not chasing my 4 year old around or appeasing my 9 month old, that is!)...but we don't really share our hearts...and...I wonder sometimes why.

And I started going to a new Bible study on Tuesday mornings at a church in town a few weeks ago.  There are alot of different churches represented there - probaby bout 60 women in this group - and we've been broken up into smaller groups of about 10-12 people...and I don't know anyone in my small group...so, in the discussion and study (Becoming Women of Purpose), I've talked some - but think about what I say and how it might be perceived, seeing as these women don't know a thing about me...it changes how you speak and how much/how little you share of your life a little...they don't have any background information on me, nor I them...we are just coming as we are...which is something I am getting used to, but...still find myself wanting to make some sort of connection. Its an Island thing, to be honest.  Any introductions made, anywhere...people want to know your last name, where you came from, who you're related to...trying to make a connection...any connection...And seeing as I'm not a true Islander (even though I certainly consider this home)...and I don't have an Island name...this has always been a bit of a stretch for me...I have to first let them know I am, indeed...'from away.'  Not significant.

So...its just weird. Just makes me realize who I AM...is who I need to be...not because of who I'm related to, where I work, how smart or successful I am, where I live...whether or not my beliefts are legitimate because of where I go to church, what version of the Bible I read...

It makes me feel vulnerable...I want to be liked...I want people to care about me, to respect me, to value me and listen to me...and that's hard to find - I'm not a demanding person - I'm easily disappointed because I set my expectations so high in my relationships...and because I have some friendships that are so deep and so true...the bar is already set high and I'm not sure I give some people enough chance to 'compare'...it takes so long. And it requires so much effort - so much mutual effort...its not easy.

And I don't know exactly how to invest in new people...I find myself feeling insecure and thinking probably everyone else already has 'enough' people in their lives, they don't have room to squeeze me in.  So I sometimes hold back...I remain content with who I already have in my life because its easier...the risk isn't as great...the possibility of rejection isn't there - the foundation has already been laid...and the history -- ohhhh, the history. I love love love old friends. I love family...I love so many of the beautiful relationships I have in my life, I don't always want to open up myself to new ones. But...yet, I do still want to, at the same time. Its likely a defense mechanism. I want to feel safe and significant and secure. But, how do I get there?? Who could expect to be instantly loved and cared for?

So...I need to just BE who I am...not pretending to be anything more...and not holding back...that's so hard for me. I love hearing other people's stories and digging deeper into their lives.  But...sharing my story and my heart isn't as easy for me...not so much because I am 'private', as I don't know how much I believe other people generally CARE...soooo....my challenge to myself is to be sure I am loving and caring for others the way I want to be cared for...paying attention and really listening to other people...and being willing to open up and share my heart when I'm asked. Not trying to make myself appear any more 'significant' or cool or spiritual or funny or sweet or anything...other than just who I really am.

I do, actually, believe...I am enough. I am loved. I am cared for...I am significant in at least, the lives, of a few...and I am blessed. I don't need the applause of everyone...but I do want to love and be loved...and there's always a bit of risk involved when opening your life for another to step in.  Worth it, though.

Absolutely.