I feel...

...very, very uncomfortable. so much pressure and so very heavy. and I'm soooo tired of wearing the exact same pair of pants...every. single. day. I hate bending over, but yet I seem to be dropping everything lately. I feel the imminence of this baby, and the knowledge of how hugely different my life is about to become, but...all i can seem to do is THINK about it...I don't seem to be DOING much of anything to actually 'get ready' for this baby to arrive. except for growing this babe. I'm nervous about the sleep-deprivation, I'm nervous to not just have my one little boy all to myself anymore...I'm nervous about WHERE this baby will sleep and where we will store all of his/her things...and how we will work buying diapers into our budget again...and how we will afford our bills with my income being depleted. Yet...

...I'm reminded that in my anxiousness and discomfort and blah-ness...I can't wait to meet this baby...and I am realizing more and more as the days draw nearer to actually meeting this baby...what a tremendous gift this is...and how short of a time ago it was when I wondered if I would ever birth another child, whether Jonah would have any siblings, whether I would nurse another baby, if, indeed, God would listen and grant me the pleadings of my heart and soul...to have more children. What a gift. I pray for this child every day, as well as the one who is sleeping upstairs...and, though I'm not always aware...I have moments of acute awareness of how incredibly blessed I am...that I get to be a Mom. That I am living out the dream I have had since I was a little girl. I sometimes feel 'less-than' when people talk about dreams and hopes and aspirations that have something to do with success and education and prospering...because, really...my deepest heart's desire is to be a wife and mother...and the fact that I GET to do that...blows this little mind of mine sometimes. I wouldn't trade it for a lucrative job, for long hours working in an office, seeing my bank account grow...its absolutely not worth it to me. I laugh a little when people insinuate that it 'must be nice' to be able to afford for me to stay home...if they had any idea the cost...but...everything costs something, doesn't it?! We just have to weigh what is worth it...and the COST is most definetely worth it for me to be home, raising my own children. I am grateful I can do this. I am grateful my hubby has a job that he enjoys, though also not lucrative...he is making a difference in people's lives, and bringing joy to people who often are ignored or forgotten. I am grateful we have food on the table every single day...and grateful for a marriage that is still one based on love and friendship and faithfulness. I am grateful I have family and friends, near and far, who love me...that is a gift I hope I do not take for granted...

so...my body is weary. But my heart is happy. Right now, I am just reminded that I am blessed beyond my dreams, carrying my second baby in my humungous belly...and just weeks away from holding a newborn in my arms.

I feel happy.