thoughts on writing

I've been more hesitant in my writing lately, because there's a few blogs I follow that have huge followings - and I read them, and feel connected to their writings, and then I feel like "what can I possibly write about, when I am not nearly as 'skilled' a writer, and don't know if I connect with anyone like they do...or if I have any 'following' at all for there to be anyone to connect to. Which...really, doesn't actually matter. Because, truth is...I need to write for myself. Not only for therapy and 'remembrance' sake, but...this is all I have I'm writing in lately...I have an easier time typing on this computer these days than picking up my pen and journal and writing in it...so...this is my journaling. Not pouring out my heart, mind you -- but...recording my thoughts...stats on my kids...photos of our days...and 'penning' down things I think about and write out to process and remember. I don't need to try to connect with people. I'm not a writer. Its not who I am or who I strive to be...I am just writing for me.

I was talking to my Mom the other day - about her writing, about my older sister's writing (she has a blog ), and I am not an 'embellisher' like they are...I am more 'factual' in my story-telling, which means I can't take a tiny event like they can, and make a whole 'story' about it. So I say, in this conversation "I am just not interesting enough - I'm not dramatic enough or something...I just can't tell a good story...I'm not a good story teller."

And Jonah, who was in the other room, and apparently eaves-dropping...pipes up with great concern "Mama -- you are...you are a great story-teller. You are."

Be still my heart.

He's my biggest fan. and that's just fine with me. I record my thoughts so I can remember these days with my little boys (so long as blogger continues to exist!) and have written down the thoughts and events of my simple little life...

Today we were at the grocery store - and walked down the cereal aisle. (Jonah's favorite aisle!) He's always asking for the 'little cereals'...which I usually tell him I will get "when they are on sale." And -- today they were on sale, so I obliged his request...and he was delighted!! (the fact that I can bring such joy to my boy for only 3 dollars...and get 8 breakfasts out of it...quite lovely, really!!)  Not a minute later, holding his box of cereals...He looks up with a huge smile and says "Ohhh -- thank You, Jesus! Thank You!"

I love his little heart. And how God uses him in my life daily to remind me of the little joys and the amazements of this life. And how God is the One who gives us everything. You should hear him sing this song:

We sing it together often at our piano...and I get tears in my eyes every single time...hearing this little boy sing that Jesus is everything...well, its quite something, really. My heart is full. (I'm happy to record my thoughts tonight when my heart feels 'full' rather than frustrated. I want to remember this feeling.)

 

talking to Jesus

I love listening to Jonah talk to Jesus. I love the words he knows about Him and I love listening to him thank Him for the things he got to do in the day...just talking to Him like He's right here. 'Cause He IS, isn't He?!

We were just sitting here at the table, him playing with Magnetix, me on the computer, and in our quietness, he just says "I want it to be night-time, Jesus. Jesus?? Can you make it dark outside, please?"

I think he's surprised its still bright out.

He sings worship songs at night that he makes up. Sometimes it brings tears to both of our eyes (me and Jay) as we listen to him sing - and as much of a performer as he can be...when he sings his worship songs, it is different - he's serious and not doing it for us...though I think at the end he doesn't mind our appreciation!  He's really singing to Jesus - telling Him all the things he knows about Him. I want to sneak our camera up so I can do a recording of it, but I don't want him to know the camera's there.

It is so amazing to see how this little child - only 4 years old! - can have such a simple trust in this huge God that he can't see, but...he believes in Him anyways. He SINGS these very words:

"we can't see Him, but He's here, He's everywhere - He's in the room, He's across the street - and we love Him and He loves us - and He loves everyone, but not everyone loves Him - so we need to tell them that He's good and that He loves them - and He was born on Christmas Day, just like Levi - and He died on a tree, but He didn't stay dead - He's alive and He's everywhere - and He's in heaven making us a house in the huge City, 'cause He's perfect and He's the only One who could rescue us, and we love Him so much. He's wonderful and beautiful. That's right." (he likes to add the 'that's right' at the end. almost every time. not sure where he got it from but we love it!)

very good theology, if you ask me. its humbling hearing such truth from a child so young. I understand why the Bible talks about a 'child-like faith'...

lazy rainy summer day

Since this is only maybe the 3rd time we've had rain this summer...it was actually kind of nice...to have an excuse to be lazy and be inside and not feel guilty...and it cooled things down a little, which is nice. I am not wishing for Fall yet, which is odd for me, since I LOVE Fall...I have enjoyed this summer, and all the beach days we've had...even if they're not QUITE as frequent as I'd like (a big Thank You! goes out again to Jay's boss for not letting him take the van home anymore and thus allowing me to have our car!) ahem! But, its been nice. And Levi and Jonah BOTH love LOVE to be outside - and so its been so fun! But today was a nice break, just mostly playing inside. Except this morning we went in to Charlottetown and had a little picnic and played at Victoria Park for a bit before heading home for naps and a lazy rest of the day!

And today I just couldn't stop looking at my boys and thinking about how cute they are...and how cuddly they were today...even if Jonah's chatter is almost non-stop and sometimes a little too 'much'...they're such happy boys and I'm so happy to be their Mama.

I have never been unloved

been spending a lot of time talking about relationships and friendships and birth order and family dynamics and stuff of that sort lately. I feel overwhelmed sometimes getting into the 'heart' of people and hearing struggles and real stuff. I am a 'real stuff' kind of person, to be honest...I find myself very disappointed in relationships that are not really made up of the real stuff...yet I am also a person who tends to 'hang on' to relationships that are not as 'up to par' as some other relationships I have, maybe I'm hopeful, maybe I'm a sucker. I don't know. But its exhausting sometimes. All of my relationships that are of any depth take effort - mutual effort. And ones that are not so mutual...are a little more 'give' than 'take'...for at least one of the parties involved. And its exhausting. yet I, like many others...can't just 'give up'...for guilt, maybe,  - for that 'what would Jesus do?' mentality...for a victim-type syndrome...whatever. I just feel the weight of it sometimes. I care. That's the thing. I actually really, really care. And I WANT to know people and what makes them tick, and what they love and what brings them sorrow and pain...i WANT to help...I want to 'be their person'. But I can't be. Nor would everyone 'choose' ME even if I WAS available for everyone. I have 'my people' and I am learning -- ever so slowly -- to stop TRYING to be everyone's person. To be ever so grateful to have a FEW...a few who love me beyond what I could hope or dream...and to be grateful that I have them...and to stop TRYING to 'get more'...or to feel bad that I don't have more...or to fool myself in thinking that 'everyone else' has so many more friends than I have, and such a more active social life than me. Significance. WHY do I sometimes feel so terribly insignificant? And to whom do I even feel that way? To Jesus? NO -- I absolutely know I am of utmost value and significance to Him, and that He loves me BEYOND my knowledge or mind could comprehend. I do, indeed, know this and believe this to be true.

So -- to my husband?! no!!! a thousand times no!! I know...for HIM...the sun rises and sets on Me. I know I am his favorite person in the world and I have already won him over. I am significant to him and he loves me and values me for who I am...if he's truly being honest...I don't disappoint him very often. So...right there....the two MOST important people in my life...Jesus and Jason...I am significant to them.

So...who, then? Jonah? Levi? I sometimes wonder, having a 4 year old who is a little too much like his Mama...do I drive him crazy? am I too hard on him? does he like me - does he resent my strictness sometimes? am I important to him? does he really, truly love me?

Absurd to even ask. I know he does. I am probably the MOST significant person in his life. by default. not because i'm any better than his Daddy...but i'm here. All the time, I'm here. I'm significant to him. And to Levi?! Well -- if the sun rises and sets on me according to their Daddy...the entire universe rises and sets on me according to this little dependant 7 month old baby boy. I am his entire world right now.

And...beyond these people...I STILL have people who love me. Who accept me and HEAR me when I speak and ASK me to share my heart and SHOW me its okay to be vulnerable, and that I am STILL loved and cared for.

So...I say to myself: Kristi. Be content. Be grateful for who you have. you are blessed. beyond imagination, you are blessed. Poor, yes. Unskilled in so many ways, yes. Unsuccessful...I suppose it depends on WHO you ask to define 'success'...but. I am loved.

Which makes me think of the words to one of Michael W. Smith's songs that i love...and...read them here if you like:

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I've been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I've been unapprochable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware - I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

Unaware - I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of you
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I remember in Bible School, Angela and I would come to the conclusion whenever we would be discussing the deep things of life and figuring out things...if ALL we had was salvation and the love of Jesus...it would be ENOUGH. it would be MORE than enough, in fact.

So. I'm grateful. that Jesus loves me...and not only the blessing of knowing HIM...but of Him giving me relationships that matter. maybe not a million of them...but relationships of depth and significance and utmost importance.

7 months

Goodness, gracious - where does the time go?!  7 months - are you kidding me?! The first couple months seem like a blur in some ways - but I can hardly believe he's closer to being a year old than he is to being a day old.

So, just a little update on my babe. He is a great sleeper...I feel like I work really hard to get my kids to be good sleepers - when they don't sleep well, I am not a happy mama...its like they're personally insulting ME and my mothering. ridiculous, i know. Annnnyways. good sleeper. is in bed by 7:00 most nights, and sleeps some mornings 'til 7:30ish - or if he wakes around 5:30-6:30, usually goes back to bed 'til 9:00ish. on those days he usually naps twice - on the earlier days he usually naps 3 times, depending on how long the naps are - but usually 2 to 2 and a half hours each. He's 15 pounds and 2 ounces. a tiny little thing. But very happy and content (unless he's tired and not in his bed -- he doesn't like that very much!) Started him on cereal around 5 months, as advised by my doctor, since his 'percentile' had dropped some. well -- at his needles 2 days ago, his percentiles had dropped even more -- he went from 50th percentile in height and weight - to 2nd percentile in weight and 9th percentile in height. oh well. He nurses still about 4 or 5 times a day - and is eating veggies and fruit and cereal...and moving and happy and sleeping well - so i'm not concerned. he is moving -- kinds slithering at this point - moving his arms to move his body, or moving his legs and belly -- but not really hands AND legs at the same time. i suspect he will be crawling any day now. he's sitting up really well on his own now -- just kinda happened in the last week or 2 i think. he LOVES being outside...if he's fussy, almost as soon as we even open the door he stops fussing. and he loves the grass -- loves being in it, loves pulling it - and doesn't seem a bit bothered by its tickly-ness. He likes his swing outside, and loves being in the stroller and going for walks. we've had his feet in the ocean a few times and he seems to be okay with that! loves being there even if he's not IN the water. he's serious, i think - but loves to smile at people if they talk to him. we have to work a little bit harder for a smile than we did with Jonah but -- he seems to enjoy people just the same! he's not a huge laugher, but loves making noises and does occasionally giggle. but he's happy and content and i will take that over a baby who laughs uncontrollably every once in awhile and is grumpy the rest of the time! haha!

he's still very smitten with his big brother - and jonah is still so awesome with him. I have only really seen Jonah upset at him one time so far - and that was when Levi was crying in the middle of the night and woke him up. i can understand not liking that very much. We put them both in the same room when we got back from Maine - and they are doing awesome sharing a room! I think they both really like it! Jonah didn't nap yesterday 'cause he said he couldn't sleep alone anymore. ha! I think he is like his Mama, and just doesn't want to miss out on anything -- he didn't like knowing me and Levi were downstairs without him!! Their schedules USUALLY co-ordinate and that is much better for everyone. especially me!!

I'm enjoying these boys. most of the time, anyways. Jonah can be a little 'much' sometimes, just with his energy and chatter and will....but, i couldn't ask for better kids to mother. I love them!

vacay and recuperating

(This was a draft from June 25 that I never 'published')

So. I love vacation. I count down the days, I dream of it all year long ...and then it comes, and...by day 3 we can hardly believe its only day 3. not neccessarily in a bad way, but...its just so weird being out of your world, ya know? not eating normally or sleeping normally, and visiting, and being in and out of the car a dozen times a day - and teaching the babe to try napping in his carseat, after I've worked so diligently to get him to be a good napper in his bed. But -- he did well. Seriously, so well. And so did Jonah - though he woke up much earlier every morning than I really wanted him to.

We stayed in a little cabin on the coast of Maine -- outside the deck, less than 20 feet away was the ocean. not swimmable, but...beautiful to look at, with its rocky, sea-weedy coast, and boats and sunsets and sunrises shining on the sparkly water. But - inside the cabin....well -- let's just say, when they said "rustic"...they weren't lying. haha! it wasn't awful - but we had to clean the kitchen counters and table and floors to get rid of the mouse poop everywhere. and we re-used the same dishes and utensils so we knew they were clean. but - it was a pretty good price. we're just not sure we're going to be returning to that same spot again next year. i'd rather pay a little more and not be worried about touching mouse poop.
Anyways. We shall see. We're trying to 'tweak' our vacation every year...figuring out the best way to visit and still have some alone time as a family so it really feels like 'vacation'...and not waiting for other people to call the shots, or decide what we should do every day. ugh.

we love our little vacation though. Getting to visit family, and road-tripping, and eating out and shopping in American stores (mostly Target, Bath & Body Works, and grocery stores!!), and getting to visit with some of our dearest friends who we only get to see once a year...and just being 'away' and out of normal routine...we love it, for the most part.

But we always love getting home, too...unpacking everything and settling back into our life. Jay says "nothing like a vacation to make you realize how much you love your life"...we couldn't wait to sleep in our bed, and sit on our couch and make our own meals and shower in our own shower. (which is really saying something, 'cause our shower is TI-NY!!!)

So. we're home. and settling back into life as we know it. And glad to do so.

Just so I don't forget...

really, truly, I don't feel like writing, but...this blog/journal...has really become my 'reference' in regards to specifics in my life, since I rarely write in my 'real' journal anymore. This and the many, many, MANY pictures I take that document my little family's life very well...but, still...a picture doesn't capture little specifics...

Like the fact that Levi is not a huge, huge fan of 'solid food' yet. I started him right around 5 months at the advice of our doctor, since he's dropping a little in his "50th percentile" label. good grief. anyways - he does seem to be a little more petite, but I'm honestly not worried about it, because he seems to be quite happy. he's always been a pretty quick nurser, so sometimes I worry he's not getting enough, but - he's growing and look healthy and seems satisfied, so...I'll try not to worry. In all fairness, I'm not 'consistently' feeding him solids, 'cause...sometimes its just not convenient, especially in the summer where we're out and about a bit more...and he's not crazy about it so....sometimes its just easier to not bother. But -- tonight he did eat a few bites of sweet potato without too much trouble, so...that was encouraging. And, I need to be using my Baby Bullet more, 'cause I do want him to be a good eater and to enjoy different flavors and textures, etc. All in good time, though. He just turned 6 months, so it shouldn't be a big deal yet.

We've gone to the beach quite a bit already - and I am continually reminded of the blessing of living on this beautiful little island, with so many beaches to choose from. Its crazy beautiful here. And Jonah is a little beach bum - he LOVES the water - loves climbing on the cliffs, floating in his little tube (or on Erin's mattress!), and swimming and exploring the beaches. so fun! its a little different having a baby around this summer - we told him today he was cramping our schedule a bit, but...he was pretty obliging for a little while and he really does seem to enjoy the beach, too -- I think mostly the sound of the waves and being cuddled...but who can blame him?!

Levi has 2 teeth now. I did get a little bite once, which now makes me nervous every time I feed him, but...hopefully he's forgotten that bite and won't let it happen again. ouch.

Jonah and Levi share a room - our first night back from our vacation we moved Levi in, and...he's been sleeping better the last 2 weeks since he's been in there than he has his whole life prior. Praises. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever sleep the whole night through again. A few mornings last week, Jonah was up close to 8:00, and Levi up at 9:00, but...the last few mornings they seem to be back to their normal 7:00 rise time.  Which is fine, since they're both in bed before 7:30 pm most nights. Levi can't seem to stay up past 7:00, so it works out well to get him in bed and then put Jonah to bed a little bit later. And jonah's been doing really great to be quiet, and he's good to ignore any crying Levi does (most of the time)...so its working out well, i think. I'm so happy about that. and its nice to have our room back.

We've been busy with family since we got back from Maine...a few days after we got home, Matt came home, so we of course soaked up all the time we could with him. I love seeing him with my boys - he's quite smitten with both of them, and they're quite fond of their Uncle Matt, too! its so sweet. Then 3 of my 5 cousins and my aunt and uncle came for a few days to visit, so....more hanging out...and soaking up all the time we could together! So fun hanging out with family - and laughing and eating and 'figuring out' our crazy family dynamics! And this past weekend, we just needed to be with our own little family and had nothing 'planned'...ended up going to the beach a few times, and relaxing and just being together...it was so nice! And the weather's been awesome.

Keep in mind if you are reading this...this is just some 'online journaling' for me right now...nothing exciting or detailed or 'blog-worthy'...i'm just writing, so...feel free to click on over to another, more exciting blog.

This is actually all i have for now, i guess.