I have never been unloved

been spending a lot of time talking about relationships and friendships and birth order and family dynamics and stuff of that sort lately. I feel overwhelmed sometimes getting into the 'heart' of people and hearing struggles and real stuff. I am a 'real stuff' kind of person, to be honest...I find myself very disappointed in relationships that are not really made up of the real stuff...yet I am also a person who tends to 'hang on' to relationships that are not as 'up to par' as some other relationships I have, maybe I'm hopeful, maybe I'm a sucker. I don't know. But its exhausting sometimes. All of my relationships that are of any depth take effort - mutual effort. And ones that are not so mutual...are a little more 'give' than 'take'...for at least one of the parties involved. And its exhausting. yet I, like many others...can't just 'give up'...for guilt, maybe,  - for that 'what would Jesus do?' mentality...for a victim-type syndrome...whatever. I just feel the weight of it sometimes. I care. That's the thing. I actually really, really care. And I WANT to know people and what makes them tick, and what they love and what brings them sorrow and pain...i WANT to help...I want to 'be their person'. But I can't be. Nor would everyone 'choose' ME even if I WAS available for everyone. I have 'my people' and I am learning -- ever so slowly -- to stop TRYING to be everyone's person. To be ever so grateful to have a FEW...a few who love me beyond what I could hope or dream...and to be grateful that I have them...and to stop TRYING to 'get more'...or to feel bad that I don't have more...or to fool myself in thinking that 'everyone else' has so many more friends than I have, and such a more active social life than me. Significance. WHY do I sometimes feel so terribly insignificant? And to whom do I even feel that way? To Jesus? NO -- I absolutely know I am of utmost value and significance to Him, and that He loves me BEYOND my knowledge or mind could comprehend. I do, indeed, know this and believe this to be true.

So -- to my husband?! no!!! a thousand times no!! I know...for HIM...the sun rises and sets on Me. I know I am his favorite person in the world and I have already won him over. I am significant to him and he loves me and values me for who I am...if he's truly being honest...I don't disappoint him very often. So...right there....the two MOST important people in my life...Jesus and Jason...I am significant to them.

So...who, then? Jonah? Levi? I sometimes wonder, having a 4 year old who is a little too much like his Mama...do I drive him crazy? am I too hard on him? does he like me - does he resent my strictness sometimes? am I important to him? does he really, truly love me?

Absurd to even ask. I know he does. I am probably the MOST significant person in his life. by default. not because i'm any better than his Daddy...but i'm here. All the time, I'm here. I'm significant to him. And to Levi?! Well -- if the sun rises and sets on me according to their Daddy...the entire universe rises and sets on me according to this little dependant 7 month old baby boy. I am his entire world right now.

And...beyond these people...I STILL have people who love me. Who accept me and HEAR me when I speak and ASK me to share my heart and SHOW me its okay to be vulnerable, and that I am STILL loved and cared for.

So...I say to myself: Kristi. Be content. Be grateful for who you have. you are blessed. beyond imagination, you are blessed. Poor, yes. Unskilled in so many ways, yes. Unsuccessful...I suppose it depends on WHO you ask to define 'success'...but. I am loved.

Which makes me think of the words to one of Michael W. Smith's songs that i love...and...read them here if you like:

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I've been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I've been unapprochable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware - I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

Unaware - I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of you
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I remember in Bible School, Angela and I would come to the conclusion whenever we would be discussing the deep things of life and figuring out things...if ALL we had was salvation and the love of Jesus...it would be ENOUGH. it would be MORE than enough, in fact.

So. I'm grateful. that Jesus loves me...and not only the blessing of knowing HIM...but of Him giving me relationships that matter. maybe not a million of them...but relationships of depth and significance and utmost importance.